Lately, there have been a lot of comments about meeting with church leaders over coffee.
From what I hear, City Business leaders think Christ is most powerful whenever there is a strong aroma of French Vanilla in the air. The French gives Christ his strength and the Vanilla gives him his spirituality… …at least that’s what I’m told.
However, no matter what they think, this conversation is never gonna happen. At least not with me.
I spent four years attending the high school on the hill, and as such, I have a little experience meeting with church elders. You circulate a petition demanding they fire the principal for his incompetence, and it pretty much guarantees you a one way ticket to the church offices.
On the other hand, you drop the word “porn†during a high school graduation speech, and it guarantees no one ever speaks to you again, but I digress.
For those of you who are unaware, let me give you a rundown of how a typical meeting with the church leadership goes.
Upon hearing of your transgression, they will promptly call you into their large conference room. You will walk into the room alone, a little nervous, and regretting every sin you’ve ever committed. You will also notice six or seven elders on one side of the table and you on the other. (Church leaders also believe in safety in numbers. Its just a smart concept.)
They then sit you down, calmly explain what you have done wrong, how much you have hurt them and how badly you need to repent. Next, because it must be written in the church leader handbook, they will tell you how much they love you.
This is always an unnerving experience for a young kid; being surrounded by 40 year-old men professing their love. In fact, I will go so far as to say, it is the most awkward situation in the world. And by the time it is over, you are sweating fiendishly and frantically searching for the nearest exit.
So you panic, you promise them whatever they want. You apologize. You swear you’ll never do it again. Yes, you’ll join a small group. Yes, you’ll raise your hands more during worship. You want jumping up and down during cool worship songs. I’m your man. Call me tigger. I don’t care, JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Because what generally follows can only be described as the most homoerotic experience of a young man’s life. In closing the meeting, they will decide to pray with you. (You can’t close a meeting without prayer. It’s in the Bible, I’m sure). And someone always suggests, that to really get the full affect of the prayer, they should lay their hands on you.
So, there you are. 15 years old, just trying to make it through the tough teen years, and you are surrounded by eight older men, all with their hands on you, speaking in some crazy language.
I promise you, there is less sexual tension in a gay bar, then at that particular moment.
And that my friends, is why I’m not sitting down with anyone for coffee. I’ve had my gay quota for a lifetime, thank you very much.
(of course, not there’s anything wrong with that.)
Now, in the interesting of avoiding a lawsuit, let me say that I am not suggesting any of these men did anything wrong or even acted inappropriately. I am just saying that what passes off as earnest prayer, often turns into a ridiculously uncomfortable situation.
So again, I’m not having coffee with you….
…of course, if you offered to buy me a beer… well… that’s a different story….