As a former member of Generation Dumb Sheep I have been to many conferences. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes the lights go out and you hear someone blowing into a large shell. Baarroooo. Baarroooo. For those of you who can’t make it to the Generation I Won’t Be Redefined by Homo’s in 2005 conference, let me take you for a walk down “I will never be the same again” lane. It begins: The sanctuary is dark, but not so dark that you can’t see the interns running around with their GU tags hanging around there neck. Suddenly a light appears on stage. "Is Jesus here already" you ask? No, it’s just the lead singer standing there with his hand pointed to the sky. Dunt,dunt dunt dunt, dunt dunt dunt, dunt dunt dunnnnnn. The music begins. First the drums then guitar, then…wait the lead singers wife is already crying. This is going to be the best conference ever. Worship is a wild ride filled with jumping and shouting and that guy playing his shell again. Baarrooo. Baarroooo. Baarrooooo. Then, just as quickly as it started, the music ends, and the hype is put on hold. It’s time for THE WORD. (Quick editors note: It used to be THE WORD OF GOD, but now the bible has very little to do with it so we simply refer to it as "THE WORD") Some young pastor runs up on stage starts yelling at you. You yell back. He yells, you yell, he yells, you yell. OK, now stop. It’s time to get serious. After a quick and lame joke, the pastor makes his new wife stand up and he tells everyone that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Nice try pastor, but you are still not getting any action. You married a church girl who was taught to protect her purity and you will never be able to shake that. Now, the sermon is ready to begin. Everyone get out your bible, hold it in the air, and look around at all the pretty Bibles. Great, now put them back under you seat. Today we will be speaking on……you guessed it, Purity. All the guys groan, the girls start crying, and now nobody is going to get any. Great work buddy. The sermon continues. Blah, blah, blah. Protect your mind. Blah, blah, blah Respect your gift, blah, blah, blah. Something about a rose, blah, blah, blah. Don’t listen to rock and roll music, don’t do drugs, don’t smoke, and for the sake of God don’t break the 6” rule. Here comes the Alter call. You are all sinners headed for hell, but God can redeem your soul if you come down to the alter now. Somehow you find yourself at the alter in tears, holding hands with someone you don’t like, singing "I will never be the same again". (No one ever is the same after surviving 45 minutes of "hands on prayer" where you can’t breathe, you have to pee, and you are being groped by someone whose breath really stinks.) Amazingly enough, there you stand crying, hugging, and singing. At this point someone yells “Let’s go all night”, and you are ready for it. You leave the church later that night convinced that things have changed. You go home and tell your parents. This is followed by more tears, hugging, and perhaps even some singing. Unfortunately, life isn’t a generation conference and eventually you have to return to the real world you slowly get tempted back into your old lifestyle.

Don’t worry, there is always next year.

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