This post was slipped under my door last night. I don’t know who wrote it, but it sounds vaguely similar to some previous postings…

CBC recently changed their website for online giving. Gone are the promises that God honors online faith (everyone applaud). Online giving is now simply there for your convenience.

We appreciate the change and feel that CBC is moving closer to connect with their congregation. However, nobody wants to read about that. So, here we go…

Wow, Acts 2 giving… wait Acts 2 is about being filled with the Holy Spirit, but maybe by giving we can receive “The Gift”. Its interesting how this all works. You know, they used to just surround you and scream “crazy talk” untill you felt so uncomfortable that you began joining in.

Hhodabalacamatimo (read who - da - ba - la - ca - matimo) actually its really simple…try this slowly who - da - ba - la - ca - matimo….repeat who - da - ba - la - ca - matimo… now faster who - da - ba - la - ca - matimo, who - da - ba - la - ca - matimo …mix in a shandi-bo-bo, and you’ve got it.

I don’t know why anybody would pay for that. (Although this flame above my head is really starting to trip people out)

Last night, Jon Stewart opened his program by showing a segment from the daytime talk show The View.

The panelists were discussing the recent Tsunami disaster.

In the middle of the discussion Star Jones interrupts her co-hosts to confess, “Well, I thank God every day, because one month prior, I was there.” (audience applauses)

“That’s right, you were there for your honeymoon.” her friend adds.

“God Blesses” Star Jones concludes.

The screen flashes back to Jon Stewart staring into the camera looking incredulous and slightly disgusted.

“God killed 160,000 people. Just because you weren’t there, that’s not him blessing. My guess is… that was an oversight.”

I fell over laughing.

I’ll leave you with my favorite quote from noted-homosexual and poet W.H. Auden.

“Of those whom I like or admire I can find no common denominator. But of those whom I love, I can. Each one makes me laugh.”

Update: I realize this post has nothing to do with church. But its kind of tough constantly coming up with anti-church posts. Anyway, I do mention God… so, at least I’m sticking to a religious theme… ….hmm, still not doing it for you… ….all right fine. City Bible Sucks! There. Are you happy?

Recently an ex-City Business member asked me, “Which do you think is better, City Bible Church or the Dreamcenter?”

Like a typical heathen I responded, “What the hell is the Dreamcenter? Is it a mattress store? Because if you’re looking for a good place to sleep, the City Bible pews are not the place; trust me I’ve been trying to sleep there for years.”

But no, I was told, the Dreamcenter is not a mattress store, it is in fact a large Mega-Church in the heart of Los Angeles.

A church, huh. Immediately I was intrigued… A battle of the churches. Now that could be fun.

And in pondering this great mystery, I realized that here was a question only a blogger could answer. Thus, for this next post, I am going to compare the many similar aspects of CBC and the Dreamcenter, and then pronounce a winner. Should be fun.

Let’s break it down: Dr. Jack style.

Church Name
The most important feature of a church is the name. And although I find the name “Dreamcenter” eerily similar to many amusement parks in California, I have to give the Barnetts credit for coming up with something unique. At least they didn’t jump on the “city” bandwagon. Note to churches, just putting the name “city” in your church name, doesn’t necessarily make you hip and cool. Edge: Dreamcenter

Play
I was reviewing the Dreamcenter website and I noticed they recently staged a lavish Christmas production. I believe the play involved a group of overly happy “toy dolls” becoming sad because their friend “toy soldier” was sinning. This was followed by a dramatic confession by the soldier and a subsequent happy toy dance. A rather unoriginal production, if you ask me. And in fact, the only play that might be worse than a “Happy Toy Christmas Production” is a play in which the audience is reminded repeatedly they are going to straight to hell. A play, I am pretty sure Jesus would walk out of. Again… Edge: Dreamcenter

Pastoral Humor
Due to the wonders of technology, I recently had the pleasure of listening to a sermon by Tommy Barnett. And I have to be honest, three minutes into his speech, I thought I had found the most unfunny person in the world. Honestly, Worst. Jokes. Ever. The only thing worse than tithing jokes, are jokes about how your wife is not subservient anymore. If City Bible Church is trapped in the 90’s, then the Dreamcenter is trapped in the 50’s. Someone has to introduce these mega-churches to the new millennium.

Thus, while Frank Damazio is no Chris Rock, I’ve got to say, compared to Mr. Barnett he could perform Live at the Apollo. Edge: City Bible Church

Message on Giving
It is commonly understood that you can not be a megachurch unless you repeatedly hound your congregation for all their money. And, as we have discussed before, City Business is the absolute best at giving this message. As they should be, they’ve had 10 years of practice.

However, in the interest of fairness, I listened to young Tommy to see what he had to offer.

Well folks, he may be no Damazio 3:16, but this little soldier gave everything he had. He left it all on the court. He told his church that God would not perform a miracle in their life unless they gave as much money as possible. (Honestly, listen to the sermon).

And so, right there staring at my computer, without even thinking, I stood up and gave little Tommy a standing ovation. It was no “putting a cap on God.” But is was a phenomenal performance nonetheless.

Edge: City Bible (though this was a close one)

PROJECTED WINNER IN HEAD-TO-HEAD MATCHUP

Did I also mention that the Dreamcenter has over 30,000 congregants, and their campus is a mere 20 minutes from where Linsdey Lohan lives? Hmmm, I guess I didn’t. Well, whatever…

Winner: Dreamcenter

Amazingly enough, this old Christmas Classic is a favorite song of the leaders on the holy hill. I am beginning to think my most faithful readers can be found residing in between the clevage of two large lopslided breasts in NE Portland.

Also, my sincerest apologies to Joel Morton, I am sorry for ever doubting your humor.

DOUGY THE BROWN NOSED PASTOR
(Sung to the tune of Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer.)

You know Scheidler and Mishler and Estes and Louman,
Jaimeson and Rachinski and Joneses and Nashif,
But do you recall, The most famous pastor of all?

Dougy, the brown-nosed pastor
Had a very dirty nose.
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it shows.
All of the other pastors
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Dougy join in any pastor games.

Then one foggy Faith Harvest
Damazio came to say,
“Dougy with your nose so brown,
Won’t you guide my lexus home”?

Then how the pastors loved him
And they shouted out with glee,
“Dougy the brown-nosed pastor,
You’ll go down in history”!

Much like the blogfather, Jack Bogdanski, I am finding it difficult to stop blogging.

In spending a week with the family and meeting with some members of City Business Church, I realized a couple of things about myself.

First, I realized I need a 3000 mile barrier from my mother in order to accomplish anything slightly controversial. Three days with my mom and I was regretting I had ever heard the word blog. It is not that she wanted me to end the blog, she just would not stop talking about it. Literally from the minute I went to bed, to the minute I woke up, it was non-stop chatter. Several times I looked at my father begging him for support, but was ignored. He looked grateful for the reprieve.

The other thing I noticed was that, personally, I have nothing against City Business Church. I have not attended a service there in over three years, and I should not focus specifically on them.

Thus, from here on out, this blog is going to examine mega-churches in general.

Mega-churches are the Paris Hiltons of the Kingdom of Heaven. They look good on the outside, but don’t really offer anything meaningful.

For all you pop-culture fans, you are probably well aware of Paris Hilton’s other exploits. I will let you find your own comparisons.

Finally, please save me the “no church is perfect” line. I am well aware no church is perfect. But what is this, fifth grade? In what world does “I’m not perfect” absolve you of responsibility. I get it, you’re not perfect. Now try a little harder, will you.

If City Business is the Bride of Christ, then perhaps this is what she looks like.