THE PASSION OF THE TITHE
Posted on March 27th, 2005 by Reformed Pope into the Favorites, Seasonal, Biblical Parody categoryRecently I asked my son Aiden what Easter was all about. "Candy" was his reply.
I then realized that many people may not know the real Easter story. Lets pull out our City Business Church storybook and re-cap the story of Easter.
There once was a man named Jesus who came to save the world. He went around performing miracles: healing the sick, raising the dead, and turning water into wine. The elders of the local church became angry with Jesus because he called himself the Son of God but never tithed. The went to him and pleaded for his money.
"Don’t you know the scriptures?" they cried, "Malachi and the curse"? "If you truly were the Son of God you would be giving the temple a full 10%. Instead we find you at parties turning water into wine. No, the real King of the Jews would be a successful businessman. You are not the Christ; you are an imposter."
At this point they saw how he was hurting their image so they began to plot to kill him.
Later, they found him in prayer and said to him. "Jesus, we just went over the Member Tithing Report and saw that you haven’t given enough, because of this we must kill you."
They made Jesus carry a large cross in the shape of the letter "t" in order to symbolize Tithe. As he passed through the town the villagers mocked him yelling "Tithe or Die"; they spit on him and made fun of his cheap clothing.
When he reached the top of the hill they nailed him to the Tithe. As he sat upon the cross he cried out "Father forgive me, I haven’t given to the Faith Harvest Offering" and with that he breathed his last.
Three days later his disciples went to his tomb and saw that he had risen from the dead. Later he appeared to them and said "While you thought I had died, I really was in heaven tithing to the temple. And now know this: He that tithes shall gain all and he that doesn’t shall die. It is for this reason that my Father in heaven has sent me."
"I tithed so you might live"
From that day forward the tithe bucket was always full.
This is the reason for Easter. It is a time to remember the tithe. I pray that you all have been touched by this story and will now bring a tenth of all you own to CBC in celebration of the resurrection of the tithe.
May the curse of Malachi never be upon your household.
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March 27th, 2005 at 11:43 am
Perfect, that should offend just about everyone…
and really, if you consider how CBC perverts the word of God…
March 27th, 2005 at 8:08 pm
If there is a line, you just crossed it.
March 27th, 2005 at 9:43 pm
in your attempt to show cbcers their abuse of tithing you have mocked the work of Christ. Do you fear God? Do you tremble at His word? Apparently not. What really counts in your book is whether or not it is funny , the gospel is really impacting your life as we can all see. way to make much of your humor and little of the work of Christ. Never thought you would sink this low, way to start off your week of fasting, don’t forget to pray. anonymous #93
ps- there is a time for righteous igdignation, why are you doing this?
March 27th, 2005 at 9:53 pm
Good grief, didn’t you people read the article? This is not ridiculing the work of the Cross. Now I suppose you’re all going to get offended because Veggie Tales uses Bible stories to illustrate their points as well.
March 28th, 2005 at 1:31 am
i didn’t know blaspheme was thought to be so funny by people who called themselves christians. anonymous #93
March 28th, 2005 at 4:22 am
Changing the words of Jesus Christ is more George Carlin than Jon Stewart. A better story of Easter is told by Jacky to his grandson. It could be a kitchen table setting, grandson in a highchair, Jacky, also in a highchair.
Jacky loves to use the ATM analogy in his tithing message. So he could treat CBC as a Discover card with 2% cashback rewards program. Anything above 10% tithe earns frequent flyer miles. Typical exchange is this:
Jacky: “Church family, say ATM with me.”
Grandson: “Gaa gaa.”
Jacky: “Wow, your voice is deeper than mine already!”
Then comes the list of benefits that you get with ultra tithing: double super-whammy portion annointing with decoder ring, being called “elder”, Frank actually remembering your name, your kid wins an award normally automatically given to a leader’s kid, 10% off Frank’s new book, “Fork It Over: Heaven Ain’t Cheap”, etc etc etc…
Leave the mocking and distortion of Christ’s words to the pros up on Rocky Butte.
March 28th, 2005 at 6:51 am
It is CBC that “mocks the work of Christ”.
You would think that when Christ came to Earth, teached and preached for three years, He would have Said something about how important it is that we tithe; Or that the building we get together in looks up to date; Or at least how well we should pay our leaders. But He must have forgotten, so the spirit reveiled all that to Paul…oh wait.
March 28th, 2005 at 12:13 pm
How could I have forgotten to use “principalities and powers” in my previous comment? Waaa.
The need for 60″ plasma screens is covered under the same section as speaking in Tongues when the bass drums kick in.
March 28th, 2005 at 12:46 pm
here is an idea, try doing something constructive. this is part of the problem not the solution. you are “fighting mice while lions are devouring the land” people are lost and without christ and what do they see but this crap trying funny( sometimes it is). what a great example to the world of what Christ can do to your lives, He came to make us like Himself, not like a christianized version of john stewart. Didn’t Christ say to the pharisees ” you know not the scriptures or the power of God” they were familiar with Christ and thought they had this religion thing all figured out, they were worshiping Him rightly as from appearences but so far from Him inwardly. I know that this truth is real easy for you to apply to CBC but how about yourselves, win the arguement but lose the discussion. Hope your glad your so much better than the dome clones.
ananymous#93
March 28th, 2005 at 12:47 pm
here is an idea, try doing something constructive. this is part of the problem not the solution. you are “fighting mice while lions are devouring the land” people are lost and without christ and what do they see but this crap trying funny( sometimes it is). what a great example to the world of what Christ can do to your lives, He came to make us like Himself, not like a christianized version of john stewart. Didn’t Christ say to the pharisees ” you know not the scriptures or the power of God” they were familiar with Christ and thought they had this religion thing all figured out, they were worshiping Him rightly as from appearences but so far from Him inwardly. I know that this truth is real easy for you to apply to CBC but how about yourselves, win the arguement but lose the discussion. Hope your glad your so much better than the dome clones.
ananymous#93
March 29th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
Anonymous #39
So, you think we should just sit back and do nothing? Do you not understand that we think there are many lost people in the church who are being devoured by religion?
This might get complicated, but try to follow through.
You are telling us that our problem is that we are telling them about their problems. What does that say about your problem?
Alright then, what is the solution? You tell me and I’ll blog it for the whole world to hear.
I spent 10 years lost at church. I may have been “saved”, but my soul was tormented. Now I know why and I want to tell people about it, but apparently that offends people.
I guess I’ll just wait for your suggestion on the best way to handle this problem.
March 29th, 2005 at 4:05 pm
This post has been removed by the author.
April 22nd, 2007 at 8:50 am
[…] To those who were offended by my last post I would like to say… […]