The Gospel According to Hank
Posted on May 24th, 2005 by catalyst into the Uncategorized, Pastor Hank, Biblical Parody categoryHank 2:18-22 (JPV)
Then the American’s demanded of him, "What miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?"
Jesus answered them, "Destroy this business, and I will raise it again in three days."
The Americans replied, "It has taken 7 chapters to build this business, and you are going to raise it in three days?" But the business he had spoken of was selling the rights to worship God in church.After he started Christian Copyright Co. (C.C.C.), his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed Fortune 500 magazine’s prediction of Jesus’ top 100 ranking.
Now there was a man of named Benedict. He came to Jesus at night and said, "Banker, we know you are a entrepreneur who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him."
In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the business of God unless he tithes every week. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but tithe gives birth to great wealth. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must tithe.’ The stock market blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
Jesus taught his apprentice’s saying:
"For God so loved the wealth of the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever tithes to him shall not perish but have eternal life. [17] For God did not send his Son into the world to be a middle class employee, but to save the world from wearing K-mart clothing and from being seen driving a Ford Focus. [18] Whoever tithes (regularly) is not condemned, but whoever does not tithe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the LAW of God’s one and only Son.
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May 24th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
Hey wait…I drive a Focus! And my kids’ clothes are only from Old Navy. I must not be tithing, at least not enough for God to want to bless me. Too bad I don’t believe in reincarnation, because given one more chance, I just might get it right.
May 25th, 2005 at 10:03 am
Oh, yes. That is a wonderful gospel message. And we know it is the truth because it applies to all people in all cultures through all times. We must tell all those little orphans in Africa, the street urchins in Brazil, the leprous beggars in India… all they have to do is give 10% of the $2 a month they may manage to beg to feed their starving siblings, and they could be driving cars and wearing new clothes! We could teach them to desire and store up treasures on earth!
May 25th, 2005 at 10:12 am
LOL
I especially liked the reference to the stock market. Funnay.
FICM
May 25th, 2005 at 12:00 pm
Gee,
It sounds like you guys think that Jesus meant it as an insult when he told the religious officials of his day that they had made his Father’s house into a house of merchandise. Do you suppose that’s what he was getting at? Is that bit anywhere to be found in the gospel of Hank?
Keep turning over those tables and whipping those moneychangers, catalyst!
May 25th, 2005 at 12:10 pm
Jiminy: Check out our archives. Johnpaul covered that verse within the first weeks of the blog.
Here is the link to the original and the JPV version of that scripture:
http://citybiblewatch.blogspot.com/2004/12/bible-verse-of-week.html#comments
May 25th, 2005 at 4:59 pm
“Flesh gives birth to flesh, but tithe gives birth to great wealth.”
I think we can all agree with that.
May 26th, 2005 at 7:45 am
it appears ( i don’t know for sure)that cat and number of commenters spend more time on this sight than in prayer or humbly reading the word. we are instructed to recieve the word of God with meekness not finding ammunition to tear down pragmatic driven churches. tearing down is easier than building up, building up requires mercy ie.loving in spite of faults.
Christ calls us to Himself to abide in Him and love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. does cbc affect our thoughts and attention, more than the Holy Spirit?
throwing stones can be so fun and relieveing, but is it fruitfull does it glorify the Lord, is that a thought that enters our mind at all before we post something here? isn’t this just as pragmatic as cbc?
May 26th, 2005 at 8:07 am
Good point Anonymous. Let me set your mind at ease. Personally I spent 69 minutes saturating myself in the WORD this morning 69 minutes GEARING UP for the day with heavy prayer and 6 minutes reading another chapter of “Biblical Principles for Releasing Financial Provision” for a total of 2.4 hours given to GOD today. I’ve made my 10% time tithe today, so the mere 4 minutes I spent reading this blog doesn’t matter.
May 26th, 2005 at 8:39 am
Dear Pragmatic Anonymous:
Unfortunately, I do not know what pragmatic means, so I am unable to respond to your comment. However, I do know funny, and this post is funny.
Thanks for reading.
Catalyst
May 26th, 2005 at 10:36 am
Dear Anonymous,
It would seem that the people who are posting in response to Hank’s Gospel are not only scripturally knowledgeable in general, but are using the faculty of critical thought. To be candid, I’m not sure I can infallibly distinguish between the faculties we have to reflect critically on our surroundings and what another person might call a spiritual gift of discernment. How is it that you claim to know what is the working of the Holy Spirit or the result of “humble” scriptural study vs. the functioning of a brain created by God in God’s image?
As for “pragmatism”…..well, there’s much to be said.
Having moneychangers in the temple was pragmatic.
Feeding the poor is pragmatic.
I could go back and forth for a long time between the things that Jesus seemed to back up that were pragmatic and the things he seemed to oppose that were likewise pragmatic. Pragmatic isn’t a virtue in and of itself, neither is it necessarily a vice. We simply can’t use it as a defining point for value assessments, nor can we cite it as a driving force for “Christian” activity. As far as I can remember, we’re supposed to be driven by love and compassion, not pragmatism. One might say that the critical discussion at hand seems to be lacking in either love or compassion. However, I would argue that the honest pursuit of understanding and fairness must eventually bear the fruit of love and compassion. Ignorance leads to fear. Therefore, fighting ignorance is one of many paths to defeating fear and making room for love.
May the light of truth dispel the darkness and save all beings from suffering.
May 26th, 2005 at 10:48 am
lest we forget
1 john 4:2+ This is how you can recognize the spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus (messiah) has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God.
May 26th, 2005 at 9:02 pm
wow dr. holmes, you have a tremendous grasp of the obvious. you’re not actually responding to the conversation at hand but rather playing a wonderful game operating under circular logic. i.e. “if it’s of the lord, it’s discernment, and if it’s discernment,it’s of the lord.” come on, this mode of thinking (or lack thereof) isn’t going anywhere.
May 27th, 2005 at 10:23 am
Oooh! Ooooh! I want to quote a random verse too!
At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, “Do not do it! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.” Rev. 19:10
Now everyone must prophesy or be in danger of not being a true Christian!
Oh, and be at ease, I don’t think about CBC more than my relationship with God. We chat all the time. Mostly about finding a wife…
*ba-dum-psh*
June 15th, 2005 at 10:23 am
um, you’re all aware that “Hank” (charming by the way) did not start CCLI right? Its Howard Rachinski, nor does “Hank” recieve any proceeds from the business.
Howard does however give a tremendous amount of money to the church. a “joyful giver” as someone put it i believe.
just wanted to make sure you knew you’re misinformed…
March 8th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
Yes, and in this story it is actually Jesus that starts C.C.C.
just wanted to make sure you knew you’re an idiot.