Who Burns First
Posted on July 3rd, 2005 by Reformed Pope into the Favorites categoryWhat amazing timing. Right when I’m posting CBC’s top ten list from "Who Burns First" they release an updated version for 2006. Good news for Samuel John Klein it looks like Catholics have dropped from the list and have been replaced by the dreaded Non-Tither (CBC’s most feared).
Here is the new list for 2006:
1. Irreverent Bloggers
2. Gay’s (w/aids)
3. Non-Tithers
4. The Poor
5. Aaron Tuck
6. People who drink alcohol in public places*
7. Pregnant Teens and their promiscuous partner.
8. Feminists
9. Those who voted NO on Measure 36
10. Democrats
*There is a slight loophole for drinkers. If you only drink on vacation, preferably while you are out of state, you will be exempt from burning. This rule does not apply to other area’s (i.e. – If you get pregnant out of state, you will still burn)
RSS feed for posts
July 3rd, 2005 at 7:17 pm
Thanks for the clarification on number 6. It’s a huge relief to know I’m not going straight to hell.
HSH96
July 3rd, 2005 at 10:20 pm
Poor Aaron Tuck…9 years later and he still can’t catch a break.
July 4th, 2005 at 2:45 am
ha! i totally agree with #5, although i am unsure why he isn’t further up the list?
July 4th, 2005 at 5:31 am
I have only one thought about this list.
I’m not sure “promiscuous partners” burn. I’m pretty sure its just pregnant teens that go down in flames. The church doesn’t care so much about sex, just don’t get pregnant.
Its not sex unless you get caught.
July 4th, 2005 at 9:23 am
While it’s a relief to have the “heat” (heat…it’s funny joak, get it?) taken off me for being Catholic, I’m still gigged for voting No on 36, being a Democrat, and being a feminist.
Mind you, I count being a feminist as someone who believes that absolutely nobody should be prevented from aspiring for whatever they want to be based on thier sex. In as much as women, largely, still get the short end of the stick around here, then I’m a feminist.
July 4th, 2005 at 12:46 pm
SJK,
Welcome to the feminist club. I think I might have you beat for reasons to burn, though….#1, 3, 4, 6, and 8 have me nailed, and I’m only missing 9 and 10 on technicalities (#9 because I don’t live in Oregon, and #10 because I’m registered as an Independent).
RP and cat,
Of course “promiscuous partners” of pregnant teens don’t burn. They’re men. Everybody knows it’s the female’s fault if she gets pregnant….it’s part of the curse specific to Eve. Duh. Men have urges, and it’s not their fault….it’s just that those skanky little wenches aren’t dressing modestly enough. If they were, they’d have never gotten themselves into trouble in the first place. Good grief, the things we have to explain to people!
Now, does this list go into effect immediately, or are the new standards applied in the calendar year 2006? My guess is the former, since a new fiscal year just began, and since non-tithers are now on the list, it’d be expedient to start burning current offenders right away.
July 5th, 2005 at 2:21 am
You know, the woman, the serpent, and the apple. It’s all Eve’s fault, so only the woman burns.
Did we clear up the incineratory time line? So if you miss the first Sunday tithe of the new fiscal year do you burn? or do they figure you might be vacationing at Black Butte with Hank and his buddies and give you a “grace” period?? Or are you supposed to pre-pay your tithe before you leave for vacations to avoid burning? Of course dedicated CBC’ers would look at their lifestyle and never go on vacation in the first place.
July 5th, 2005 at 8:00 am
I can hear it already, ” it’s just a joke lighten up, don’t spoil our entertainment”.But what is so funny about people burning in hell? Do you believe in a biblical hell, a place of eternal destruction, absent from the presence of God and suffering for all eternity? Step back and think about it for a moment, is it a humorous thought, does it have you just doubled over in laughter? ” We are just pointing out cbc’s list of worst sin’s”. Fine then drop the hell aspect because words have meanings and you dilute and water down the seriosness of these biblical truths that are used as props for your jokes, and paint yourself irreverent. Finally is being irreverent a big deal, is anything sacred, what are we to take seriously, if not the eternal destination of souls?
July 5th, 2005 at 9:56 am
If I were you, I would worry a little less about heaven and hell, and worry a little more about your next 30 years on this earth.
Maybe you’re going to heaven. Maybe you’re going to hell. I certainly don’t know, and I’m not going to judge you. But I do know that you get just one life to live on earth, and you might as well enjoy it.
July 5th, 2005 at 10:57 am
Who’s Aaron Tuck, I must have missed this one. Can someone inform me please. Thanks.
July 5th, 2005 at 12:51 pm
You all have brought forth some excellent questions. The City Business Elders will have to do more work on this list.
As for “Anonymous” who wants us to not mention hell I would like to point out that at no time during my comment did I mention hell. I simply mentioned burning; that could be a sun burn, I don’t really know.
However, I follow a creed set forth by the Refreshments (they’re a band, mom) which states:
“Let’s skip the formalities and get down to what were here for.”
July 5th, 2005 at 5:14 pm
Hey Cat and RP, I will enjoy the next 30 years of my life thank you, while at the same time stand up for biblical truths and what they represent. Christ commandments are not burdensome and are a joy to walk in if done in His strength and Spirit. As for getting down to what we are here for, you have the complete freedom to exercise your clearly well developed “gift of discernment” upon cbc, which God allowed you to go to and go through all that crap for a reason which might entail more than making fun of them. Just a thought. I am sure cbc will delight that non- tithers will get a really bad sun burn.
July 5th, 2005 at 6:30 pm
In response to “who is Aaron Tuck?”.
He is a highschool friend who attended TCHS with me and JP.
Its kind of an inside joke for those who attended TCHS and every teacher and elder who had the pleasure of making Mr. Tuck’s acquaintance.
July 6th, 2005 at 12:09 am
Can I stand up for biblical truths and stand in the gap at the same time?
July 6th, 2005 at 3:08 pm
Wow, I am really screwed. By using SJK’s definition of feminism, I fall into six out of the ten categories. 1,3,4,6,8, and 9. I just thank God I am registered as an independent.
July 6th, 2005 at 10:18 pm
spade, i got you beat. i’m at 7 of the 10 burn-guaranteed criteria: #1,3,4,6,8,9,10. from this list, i think we’re going to be having a great time, clearly we’ll be in good company and won’t have to worry about being pestered by those righteous non-burners.
July 7th, 2005 at 10:50 am
Well Olie, I guess if I am going to burn hotter than you I am going to half to switch political parties and knock someone up. But as long as I am let in to the real party I will have attained my goal in life. Is the party BYOB? Well either way I am going to pound some Irish car bombs. Anyone care to join me?
July 10th, 2005 at 8:31 am
its difficult to talk when the flames and the sweet burning get in the way………and by god that greed demon he always wants attention….what a prideful person…yes hell is hard but you know what ..its okay…….the burns….they heal and the constant remarkes about my past life… I’m over it…I mean come on people how many times can you hear about the mistakes you made….it gets a little old….so I deal…..but I must say ….pride…. he is one annoying demon….geeeezzz get over it already….well I cant say you wont get it …..but maybe someday you just might see what Im saying……..peace……I guess…….
July 10th, 2005 at 8:53 am
so here we are years later….leaving our little comments. Parents lets unite…what have we done to make our children feel this way? What have we not talked about to make poor disturbed teenagers who made this blog feel okay? Let us show them…..let us make them feel that our example is a hard but true position. My children have been homeschooled.. and they know right and wrong…they know about drugs and about puberty. They are not limited in growing up. How dare you tell me that christ does not help them in their upbringing and that church is not a great support group for complete sheltering. I love the fact that my children have no idea about birth control…..in fact i love the fact that even though my daughter has been “emotionally involved” with her best friend its all about growing up with christ….well by all means ….he was open to the lesser then and by all means she is..what a bad dresser……”sorry god she tithes a lot”……and my lovely son……he is 18 and loves his life as a jesus searcher!……thank god…….because you know…..he searched for jesus all over…..you have to you know……to truly find christ you have to realize he is right there…..we all went through that…..I sure did…….and thats why I hope my family understands that they have to see excatly what I did…..because if they didnt ……then that would be just themselves…..and we all hate that…….love #5
July 10th, 2005 at 4:43 pm
Huh? I’m confused. Were those two people just mumbling to themselves?
July 11th, 2005 at 8:02 am
Dear Anonymous On Crack: You are a homeschool parent? If the life examples you are showing your kids are on par with your grammer and oratorical abilities, your kids are doomed (by your definition).
July 31st, 2005 at 10:22 pm
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?
WHY ARE YOU TALKING SHIT ABOUT AARON TUCK? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW
July 31st, 2005 at 10:29 pm
JP? YOU THERE????
HAHA. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THIS BIBLE_THUMPING SITE?
THIS IS THE WEIRDEST BLOG I”VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME…..