We were scheduled to post the second greatest blog of the year today, but in light of the recent “City Business Internet Scandal” I feel there are more important things to cover.

That being said I wanted to put a link to all of CBC’s websites so others could take the time to go through and “audit” them for accuracy.

http://www.citybiblechurch.org/
http://www.eternityproduction.com/
http://www.mfi-online.org/
http://www.portlandbiblecollege.org/
http://www.citychristianschool.com/
http://www.citychristianpublishing.com/
http://www.starbucks.com/

Take the road less traveled.

11/30 UPDATE:

This is really amazing,

-President of the Internet.

This blog’s favorite sleuth, Henry Straforelli (or"Joe Hardy" as his close friends lovingly refer to him) recently discovered a violation within the Eternity Website.

Using clues he located from the donation section of Eternity’s Website, "Joe" was able to determine that Eternity used 2checkout to accept "donations" for their services. Unfortunately, this was in direct violation of 2checkout’s own payment policy which clearly stated that

"The following Products and Services CANNOT be sold: firearms, pornography or donations."

Joe quickly contacted his Brother in the Lord "Frank (Johnpaul Morton) Hardy", and they set out to solve the case of City Bible’s Missing Morals.

Thankfully, for us readers, it was a relatively easy case to solve. Frank and Joe both sent emails to 2checkout alerting them to the apparent violation, and 2checkout sent the boys back a case number: 3059-QWEY-5316.

This morning the Hardy Boys received an email proclaiming "Action will be taken." And now Eternity’s Donation site is down.

As City Bible’s Blogfather "Fenton Justin Morton Hardy", I would like to send my thanks to these two valiant amateur detectives. Thank you for keeping City Bible honest, and keeping our internet safe from unscruplous businessmen.

This next blog needs no introduction, will everyone please rise and welcome the THIRD GREATEST POST OF THE YEAR:

Who Burns First

What amazing timing. Right when I’m posting CBC’s top ten list from "Who Burns First" they release an updated version for 2006. Good news for Samuel John Klein it looks like Catholics have dropped from the list and have been replaced by the dreaded Non-Tither (CBC’s most feared).Here is the new list for 2006:

1. Irreverent Bloggers
2. Gay’s (w/aids)
3. Non-Tithers
4. The Poor
5. Aaron Tuck
6. People who drink alcohol in public places*
7. Pregnant Teens and their promiscuous partner.
8. Feminists
9. Those who voted NO on Measure 36
10. Democrats

*There is a slight loophole for drinkers. If you only drink on vacation, preferably while you are out of state, you will be exempt from burning. This rule does not apply to other area’s (i.e. – If you get pregnant out of state, you will still burn)

I copied this from CBC’s bulletin last week. It was written by Pastor Frank and I have done nothing to change it.

TODAY’S THOUGHT

Starbucks has become one of the world’s best retailers of the
$3 cup of coffee. Many of us make our morning pilgrimage to
this Temple of Java. Having spent our $3 to be awakened by the
aroma of the caffeinated black stuff, we’re not appalled that
we just spent that much for a cup of hot liquid - we’re actually
grateful that it’s a part of our life.
The Starbucks culture has become a significant part of the
relational infrastructure of our society. Meeting friends,
hanging out, spending time with people oftentimes involves,
“let’s grab a cup of coffee.”
The fact that coffee and relationships have joined forces in
modern day America is perhaps not so coincidental. Starbucks
has positioned itself as a Creator of Community.
When we look at Acts 2 we recognize that God intended that
His spiritual family would be the Creator of authentic and true
Community. God’s interested not just in what we get done – but
in how we build up the people around us. Perhaps that’s why
Jesus reported to the Pharisees that the second commandment
was as important as the first – love your neighbor.
Take some time this week to read Mark 2:1-12 and explore how
four friends intentionally built community.

This “Thought” pretty well sums up all of Pastor Hank’s sermons. He spends the first 2/3rds rambling about his own personal thoughts, the last 1/3rd telling you what he thinks the Bible says, and the final 1/8th (he always goes over) giving you a scripture to look up on your own.

Now, if your church was call City Damazio Church or Frank Temple, then it would be appropriate to follow such a pattern. However, when you call yourself City Bible Church, you certainly mislead your members.

City Bible Church you are a fraud and I demand that you now change your name to “City Not-so-much-of-the Bible Church”

…Am I missing something? Does the Bible say to “Honor thy Father and thy Coffee Bean”? Can “Barista” be translated to “Elder”? Was Jesus’ first miracle turning water into a caramel macchiato? Is heaven really a Low Fat, Extra Hot, Hazelnut Latte? Does Frank actually own stock in Starbucks?

Now that I’m thinking about it, in the last 6 months I’ve heard 2 sermons that revolve around Starbucks… and when you read the profiles of the Generation Unleashed leaders they list their favorite coffee drink? Is that being “relevant” or are they a little obsessed?

You know, all this time I’ve thought I was upset with CBC for their teaching (or lack there of), but now I realize what it really is:

I’m a Coffee People kind of guy.

For those of you who were concerned about having to spend this Christmas @ church, I have good news: CBC has decided to cancel church (read: close business) for the weekend of December 24th and 25th. Apparently they decided that business would be slow that weekend and so it would be best not to bother.

Ok, so maybe they aren’t into celebrating birthdays, right? Except, it wasn’t that long ago that I remember being stuck in a rather long service celebrating the birth of Frank. This thought led me to believe that while Jesus is the reason for the season…He isn’t the reason for CBC.

And now we sing…

The first Christmas song of the year:

WE WISH YOU A MERRY FRANKMAS
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

a Lasit we bringto you and Louman
a Lasit for Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

LT’s back. He has some good thoughts. And at one point, I found myself thinking, “Oh no he just didn’t.”

It has been some time since I visited the site, but a few friends urged me to read what was being said about PBC lately, so I took the bait. As some of you may know, I have been gone from PBC since the middle of May. There is no need to rehearse the events that led to me being laid off or to try and interpret all the reasons behind the decision. I am very happy attending Gresham Free Methodist Church today while making my living working for a couple of universities.

There are many things I could say about the twelve years I served at PBC but, at fifty-six years of age and having perpetrated my share of damage to people during my years of ministry, I have neither time nor energy to entertain a new round of hard feelings. One thing I have learned: I’m dumb enough to overlook my own hypocrisy when criticizing others at times, but I’m smart enough to know that bullshit is one word. This brings me to the first point: some of you have legitimate complaints but about others I am not so certain. Perhaps you should search deep in your own hearts to discern which category you belong to before logging on.

My wife and I have experienced pain at the hands of religious zealots too. But I prefer to focus on the many happy memories I gained from sharing a small portion of my life with intelligent and precocious youth and with whom I believe are positive contributors to this world. I also have good friends at PBC, including Dr. Asplund and Lanny Hubbard and others. I happen to know that their hearts are always turned toward the students.

My second point addresses the rest of you who have raised legitimate concerns over hurts you received while at PBC. I can only say that I am truly sorry. Please accept my apology as a former representative of the teachers and administrators who hurt you. I also ask any person to forgive me if I intentionally or unintentionally hurt you during your time at PBC. I can only hope that you are able to deal with your anger and use whatever experiences you have had in life to reconstruct something worthwhile for yourself. I wish you all the best for the future.

LT

Since we can’t make it to every CBC service, we occationally have to imagine what it was like to actually be there. This is what catalyst has done.

#4 is hillarious.

Sunday, June 05, 2005
Overheard

Today is the day that City Bible spoke about women being elders. Here is how I imagine the sermon went.

Good Morning, everyone. As many of you know, today we are going to discuss the ordination of women at City Bible Church. I am well aware that the Bible says some specific things about women, and that’s why the leadership and I have prepared a special presentation to help you grasp this complex Biblical issue.

First, we are now selling new Bibles in the bookstore for $49.95. These new Bibles are interepreted by Kevin Connor and edited by Lanny Hubbard. We call them the KCV version of the Bible. And yes, the teachings of Christ are in red. As is Malichi 3:8. My step-father informed me that Christ meant to speak Malachi 3:8, he just forgot.

For those of you who can’t afford this new KCV version, I am going to ask you to take out a ball point pen. Something permanent and indelible. Okay, everyone cross out 1 Corinthians 14:34-35…. well, better yet, just cross out that entire chapter. We’re not gonna be needing it anymore. Thanks… Okay.. well that settles that. Great. Now we’re all on board.

Oh and before I forget, we have bussed in some gays for us to pray for. What’s that? Oh, no, no, no, they’re not practicing homosexuality, they’re gays who don’t want to be gay. The only sin we tolerate at this church is pride.

What’s that? Another question? Ummm, well yes the Bible does say some things about women. But we’ve crossed those verses out. What’s that? "God doesn’t change." No, you’re absolutely right, God doesn’t change, just the Bible.

Okay. Great… well everyone open your Bibles to Malichi 3:8…..

Here is another thought from our favorite ex-PBC student.

I’m just getting to some of these postings, but I have an experience I wanted to share from a group called “Main Street” that was started by CBC in 1997.

This isn’t about a “prayer tunnel” but along the same lines. I volunteered to be on the prayer team down at Main Street, and we were supposed to go on a “prayer walk,” which to me meant praying silently while walking. Kind of like meditation while on a hike or something.

Well, I was mistaken! The group going on the prayer walk through the PSU park-blocks pulled out a map. Then, they asked who would like to lead the prayer walk. I said I would, but then the leader of this group told me that I didn’t have any experience with “spiritual mapping.” I didn’t know I had to have experience, or I wouldn’t have applied for the job, but whatever.

Anyway, the “spiritual mapper” prayed over the map until the Holy Spirit told him where we were supposed to walk. Then, we had to stop in front of certain buildings that he felt led he was supposed to pray over.

One building that was owned by PSU was supposedly previously inhabited by a molestor according to this “spiritual mapper.” I’m not sayin’ any names. The “spiritual mapper” asked that we start praying against the spirits from the person that used to live there. I got scared. It was dark & there wasn’t much light around. Plus, the way these people were talking scared me.

So, I just fell behind the other prayer walkers and went home–I don’t think they noticed that I wasn’t with them when they got back to Main Street. To be honest, that was my last time going to Main Street.

I was unqualified to pray, because I hadn’t been trained to be a “spiritual mapper.”

I wrote this as a comment under the last post, but thought that it deserved a closer look. I am providing a link to The Rick A. Ross Institute for the study of Destructive Cults, Controversial Groups and Movements. Now just to clarify, Rick may study “Cults”, but I am only interested in his work with “Controversial Groups and Movements”(wink). If you would like to check it out yourself go to http://www.rickross.com/.

Let’s look closely at what Rick has to say about “Controversial Groups and Movements”. I’ll write the warning sign in black and then rate City Business Church in red based on the following scale of 1-10 with 1 being Completely Safe and a 10 being Definitely Unsafe. At the end we will look at their score and decide if CBC is a “Controversial Group or Movement”.

Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.

1. Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability. 8
2. No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry. 10
3. No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement. 6
4. Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions. 7
5. There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil. 10
6. Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances. 10
7. There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader. 2
8. Followers feel they can never be "good enough". 10
9. The group/leader is always right. 10
10. The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing "truth" or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible. 4

If your group/leader scored:

1-25: Your group/leader is basically safe, and you should continue to listen and learn from them. However, you are looking at this test so there may be some reason for concern. Always use your best judgement when following a religious group.

26-50: Your group/leader probably won’t be making you drink any cool-aid soon, but probably isn’t the greatest person to follow. Begin considering other options for fulfillment, and keep out a watchful eye.

51-75: Your group/leader is dangerously close to unsafe. You will probably begin noticing them ask for large sums of money, and perhaps even rolling out a “plan” to look to the future. Be very concerned about the direction of your group and NEVER give then any money.

76-100: Get out now. This group/leader is not using concerned about you or your family. They only care more about themselves and their personal goals. Do not go to them for advice, they words will likely be misleading. If at any time they talk of mass growth, report them to the proper authorities immediately and NEVER EVER give them money. For immediate help please seek professional care at a website such as www.citybiblewatch.blogspot.com.

According to my results CBC scored a 77. They are definitely a “Controversial Group”. Get out now…

Disclaimer: The ranking system was created by City Business Church and has no affiliation with Rick A. Ross or the The Rick A. Ross Institute for the study of Destructive Cults, Controversial Groups and Movements. City Business Church is a fictional organization. Any resemblance to a real group/organization is completely coincidental. At no time during this post were the writers accusing anyone of being a cult. The CBC blog should not be read by pregnant women or anyone operating heavy machinery.
Please Read Responsibly.

I just received an email from an ex-PBC student. She gave me permission to share her email. Her thoughts are honest and revealing. I always enjoy meeting others who have left City Bible and share similar feelings. I find her testimony incredibly inspiring. This is the type of honest emotion you rarely see from the pulpit, and it makes me glad I started this blog.

By the way, I sort of think a blog should be started about PBC. There are a lot of people that I know (myself included) who left PBC in a haze and then got f*cked up when they had to deal with reality, after being told they “had a destiny.” I now know that those who “had a destiny” were those who were related or children of MFI pastors.

I for one was told that PBC had accredidation w/ PSU, but when I transferred to PSU, they only took two ‘F’s I got from PE, thanks to STeve Cole. So, I started from scratch…two years at MHCC, and then two years at PSU. I took those F’s and put straight A’s against them, and graduated with a 3.8GPA from PSU with a degree in English.

I have a lot of issues with PBC AND CBC. What was amazing to me is that I thought all these years that I was completely alone in my thoughts on CBC. I used to count the number of Sundays that came and went that neither Frank NOR Jack would crack the Bible. IT was all about the prophetic and saying whatever the Spirit told them to say.

I was looking for something a LOT more grounded. I ended up hanging out with Mult. Bible College students, and when I told the Wager’s that I was considering transferring to Multnomah Bible College, because they had an excellent missions’ program, they scoffed at me and told me they disagreed with my decision, and if I chose to do that, I would no longer be ‘under their wing.’

Anyway, I left CBC, no one noticed or cared, and I am sooo much happier now. I met my husband at Biddy McGraw’s Irish Pub, and we are doing great.

My husband doesn’t have a religious back-ground at all, and so many times, I’ve felt envious of him. He is so much more open-minded & carefree about spirituality & churches in general. Me…I’ve got a big chip on my shoulder, and any time I go into a church that reminds me of CBC, I can’t wait until the service is over. I think there are so many of us out there that have our religious beliefs & spiritual values, but do not want to be a part of the corporate church–and, CBC is a prime example of this.

About a year ago, I went to a bridal shower for this girl I know & Glenda Malmin was there. She used to be my ‘mentor’ at PBC. This is how the conversation went:

G: “Hi K, What church are you going to?”
K: “I don’t go to church.”
G: “You don’t go to church?”
K: “No.”
G: “Comeon, Angie. Let’s go into the kitchen.”
They turned their backs on me right then and there.

Well, anyway, I commend you for having the guts to take a stand & speak up for what you believe is right. So many people up on the hill & those who have left have never done that. Nothing will ever change unless people speak up & those up on the hill take accountability for their actions.