#4: THE FOURTH GREATEST POST OF THE YEAR
Posted on November 21st, 2005 by Reformed Pope into the Top Ten 2005 categorySince we can’t make it to every CBC service, we occationally have to imagine what it was like to actually be there. This is what catalyst has done.
#4 is hillarious.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Overheard
Today is the day that City Bible spoke about women being elders. Here is how I imagine the sermon went.
Good Morning, everyone. As many of you know, today we are going to discuss the ordination of women at City Bible Church. I am well aware that the Bible says some specific things about women, and that’s why the leadership and I have prepared a special presentation to help you grasp this complex Biblical issue.
First, we are now selling new Bibles in the bookstore for $49.95. These new Bibles are interepreted by Kevin Connor and edited by Lanny Hubbard. We call them the KCV version of the Bible. And yes, the teachings of Christ are in red. As is Malichi 3:8. My step-father informed me that Christ meant to speak Malachi 3:8, he just forgot.
For those of you who can’t afford this new KCV version, I am going to ask you to take out a ball point pen. Something permanent and indelible. Okay, everyone cross out 1 Corinthians 14:34-35…. well, better yet, just cross out that entire chapter. We’re not gonna be needing it anymore. Thanks… Okay.. well that settles that. Great. Now we’re all on board.
Oh and before I forget, we have bussed in some gays for us to pray for. What’s that? Oh, no, no, no, they’re not practicing homosexuality, they’re gays who don’t want to be gay. The only sin we tolerate at this church is pride.
What’s that? Another question? Ummm, well yes the Bible does say some things about women. But we’ve crossed those verses out. What’s that? "God doesn’t change." No, you’re absolutely right, God doesn’t change, just the Bible.
Okay. Great… well everyone open your Bibles to Malichi 3:8…..
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November 21st, 2005 at 11:29 am
I would also like to re-post the first two comments under the original version. People used to tell us we were bitter every day…I miss that:
Reformed Pope said…
Here’s how I image the congregation reacted.
Let me get my Bible out. I always use it during church to write my notes on. It makes a handy clipboard.
NOTES:
1. Buy new Bible, see if Kevin will autograph it
2. Cross out 1 Corinthians 14.
Oh my word. I think those guys are gay. I bet they all have aids. I hope they don’t ask us to lay hands on them. Oh, they used to be gay, in that case…Isn’t God good.
(All the time)
NOTES CONT:
4. Women elders = lower salary = large plasma screen @ CBC “the ‘couve”…Isn’t God good. (All the time)
Open my Bible to Malachi 3? I’m pretty sure we all have it memorized by now. If not, isn’t that what the plasma screens are for. I wouldn’t have a clue where to find Malachi anyway.
I did read on a blog once that Malachi is somewhere in the “Gospel of Hank”. Does anyone know where that is?
7:09 PM
Anonymous said…
I was there this morning and, from what I heard, it was a great Sunday morning message. I’m excited about CBC–where it’s at and where it’s going. I like the vision Pastor Frank has and I’m thrilled to be part of such a great church body. Catalyst, in fact, I think you are bitter and maybe have a bit too much time on your hands. Don’t you have a job? You’re like Napoleon Dynamite’s big nerdy brother, hovering over your computer all day long. You must be just waiting all day long for your chance to add commentary to stuff the rest of the world thinks is pretty meaningless.
November 21st, 2005 at 11:35 am
That comment was pretty accurate, as I do spend all day online talking to babes.
November 21st, 2005 at 1:27 pm
They’re just jealous.
November 21st, 2005 at 3:20 pm
And I bet you’re training to be a cage fighter, too. I know I am.
And now, those babes could one day be elders. That means, like, RIGHTEOUS babes. Gosh.
November 21st, 2005 at 8:33 pm
I guess I like meaningless stuff on the internet…What was that guy thinking? Who is he to talk? Napoleon Dynamite is rumored to be a a movie put out by a satanic cult to lure young teens into thinking that you can actually talk to hot babes on the internet via myspace.com.
Mind you bitterness can help in those bloody cage fights…that and a prayer for a *hedge of protection*…
November 21st, 2005 at 10:51 pm
Actually I didn’t think that post was funny.. but that’s just me.
Napoleon Dynamite was certainly right in saying you can talk to hot babes all day.. and you can on myspace.com, it’s the center of the world for emo whores. In fact I know many people who have met their myspace lovers in real life!
What is this world coming to.. srsly.
November 22nd, 2005 at 5:52 am
Hey Napolian didn’t say that about hot babes it was his brother..get it right!
I suppose my love for mysapce has turned me into a whore..oh wait…no that was my sexual represion in 10 years of private school and two years of PBC…I always get confussed….
November 22nd, 2005 at 4:39 pm
Really? from what I hear there isn’t any sexual repression going on at any private schools around here.. All those people seem to be pretty active from what I hear.
November 28th, 2005 at 10:23 am
Remember how we were taught that the world was wrong for having the “if it feels good, do it” mentality? These days, I think there is a lot of truth to that statement. If I had acted more upon what felt good in the moment, I’d have a lot less regrets, and a lot more fun with sex than I ended up having. Oh, well…for now, if something feels good, I always do it.