As usual, the funniest posts mention my family.

Dear LT,
Here @ City Business Church it only takes one comment to make you a member of the family and so I am wondering if you wouldn’t mind helping me clear up a few things.

On Sunday I had a conversation with my mother about Christian prayer lingo. For those of you who don’t know my mom, I would describer her as a Moaner-Groaner with a touch of Quaker-Shaker. To say the least she knows how to make a scene in church. Her latest craze is 24 hour prayer and worship which she experienced on a recent trip to Kansas City. On her return she ran right out bought a new stereo system and filled it with cd’s from whatever church in Kansas City she was at. Her plan is to have praise and worship music piping through the house 24 hours a day; I’m not sure how that’s going to go over with the fam, but she’s gonna try it.

Anyway, my brother Jesse and his should-be fiancé Andrea were listening to the cd’s and they noticed that the person praying was asking for God to “turn hearts like channels of water”. This sparked our conversation in which we had to ask, what does it mean to “turn hearts like channels of water”?

Discussing this quickly led to “gap standing”, “bridge building”, and “hedges of protection”. And, let’s not forget about the “river”. You can wade, jump, step into, and drink from “the river” which appears to have something to do with “ocean’s of love”, but we’re not sure how they’re connected.

It seems to me that all to often people just go with the flow (apparently down the river), and rarely stop to ask the all important question: “WHAT???”.I’m going to give that a try:

1.What is the “gap” and why are we standing in it?
2.How many “rivers” does it take to make “oceans of love”?
3.Is the “bridge” for crossing the “gap” or the “river”?
4.Are we really supposed to “drink” from the same “river” that we just jumped in?

After about 30 minutes of discussion with my mother here’s what I understand. The gap is the space between sin and righteousness (man and God). The bridge crosses that very gap; and no one knows where the river flows, but if you see it, be sure to jump in. I actually think it helps explain the Trinity. Jesus is the ultimate “gap stander” (her words, not mine), the Holy Spirit is in the “river”, and that leaves God to tend to the “hedges”. Which leads me to my next question:

How much protection does a hedge really offer?

Can you picture Satan gathering an army of demons, preparing for an attack on an unsuspecting Christian, when suddenly he hears:

Demon: “Um Lucifer, I think we’ve got a problem”.
Satan: “Yes Rage, what’s the matter”
Demon: “We couldn’t get him”
Satan: “What do you mean ‘you couldn’t get him’?”
Demon: “Well, Lust, Envy and I were right on his tale when suddenly… he ran across the bridge, jumped into this river, swam right past your gap, and then dove behind that hedge for protection.

Sure, we could all start putting up links to Frank’s latest sermon or TBN’s giving hotline or Pat Robertson’s latest mistake, but I’m ready to move on to something worth reading.

Here is a link to an article written by our friend Pam Hogeweide about what is happening in today’s church.

http://www.off-the-map.org/idealab/articles/idl0511-1-empty.html

The article is titled “Why does the church feel empty” and it is worth reading.

I’ll leave you with a teaser quote:

“Christ summed up all the mystery of religious philosophy and kingdom culture with the simple message of Love God and each another. And that is what I hear in the words of so many disillusioned Christians around me – a hunger for Jesus and community.”

Thank you Pam, we appreciate your thoughts.

Since every blog I visit has posted this article about Pat Robertson, I suppose we might as well get in the act as well.

Apparently, Pat thinks God will judge the town of Dover, Pennsylvania for voting the wrong way. Must be nice to be Pat.

And here via The Moderate Voice , a pastor blogs his thoughts about Pat’s comments. The post is titled:

Sorry, Pat I just don’t buy that

The best quote is here:

The God I know in my life and the God I preach from the pulpit looks nothing like the God I hear Pat Robertson talking about. My God is the Beloved and does everything out of and for love, not out of or for control. Control has to do with certainty. The God I see in the Bible is the God who is always surprising us with grace.

good times… good times…

We’ve been discussing taxes and whether pastor’s pay them. (They do.) When I came across this link, of a church that had its tax exempt status pulled for speaking about politics.

Best Quote:

The IRS notified the church of the investigation in a letter that cited an Oct. 31, 2004, sermon by Pastor Regas called “If Jesus Debated Senator Kerry and President Bush.” Church leaders say they have done nothing wrong.

(So much for free speach.)

For my money, churches should pay taxes, and churches should be free to speak about political candidates.

Of course, if I was given the choice between paying taxes or speaking about politics. I would promptly shut the hell up.

Clearly anytime you can capture Dougie shouting "I love poo" you’ll make the top ten. This is one of my favorites. Here we go with #6:

Friday, December 10, 2004
Running Diary of Gen Church Sermon

This is my running diary of last weeks Gen Church Sermon. The sermon is entitled,"Generation Church Culture Part 4". I missed the first three parts, but I’ve got a feeling I’ll still be able to pick it up in the middle. Pressing play and here we go:

8:20 - Pastor just asked audience how many people love the bible. You hear a faint "Woohoo" in the background. (I’m gonna see about getting him an audition for Saved Part 2).

8:22 - Mentions Willamette Week article. I’m getting excited. Will he read the Abercrombie section?

8:24 - Excitedly reads this quote from the WW article. "Portland’s Christian soldiers may seem queer, but they’re here. Get used to it." Did I hear that correctly? I think he just called himself a queer? And how did I miss that quote. I apologize to all my blogging fans for missing that one. (5 minutes into this sermon, and I know its gonna be great).

8: 25 - "This paper is so big its like an octopus, eight arms." - This must be some tithing humor.

8:30 - Of course he skips over the Abercrombie quote. I should’ve known.

8:35 - He just yelled out "Greater is he who is in" and then the audience yelled back "Me". Did it again. And, yes he did it again. Can’t believe it, he did it again. Now he’s doing it and screaming "Oh" after they say "Me". Just yelled, "Someone needs to get into the Bible."(Forget sequal to Saved, this guy could be the whole movie himself. He’s also really supporting my hype theory.)

8:37 - Erik and Natalie are getting married. Natalie has huge wedding book she carries everywhere. Editors note - Erik needs to rethink the marriage.

8:40 - Just used a "talk to the hand" joke. Apparently pastor didn’t get the "Its not 1995" memo.

8:42 - His jokes are bombing so bad, he’s asking the audience if they’re doing okay. One girl in the front row is giving him the only courtesy laugh, and she sounds like she’s getting hoarse. Someone better pick up the slack.

8:50 - Starts talking about Pilgrims and their look. Mentions high school Pilgrims. Pulls random kid out of audience and says kid is high school pilgrim. Mentions that the Willamette Week article calls the youth group an Ambercrombie youth group. Says this is what makes the youth group so different. (Pastor must subscribe to the, "Any publicity is good publicity" motto, at least he mentioned the Abercrombie section, and Abercrombie & Fitch makes you different? Different from what? Gap, Banana Republic, Nordstrom?)

8:51 - "Pilgrims can even look different. Pilgrims can even be from a different country." Sounding incredulous, "Pilgrims can even be women." (Wow, he just offended everyone who isn’t an American male. This is really quite impressive. And he has an odd obsession with Pilgrims.)

8:53 - Acknowledges that the rapture might not come for another 5,000 years. (First statement, I’ve actually agreed with. Good for him.)

8:55 - Acknowledges that he shouldn’t have taken his wife to youth camp for their honeymoon. (Second thing I agreed with.)

8:58 - Tells story about his young daughter on vacation at Disneyland and how much she loves Winny the Pooh. The whole time at Disneyland she’s carrying around a pen and paper looking for Pooh’s autograph. Time comes to leave, she still hasn’t found Pooh, and so she starts screaming, "Pooh, I love you." (This is actually a really cute story. But if you happend to walk in and missed him talking about his daughter, you would just hear the pastor screaming at the top of his lungs, "Poo, I love you. I love Poo.") I’m telling you, this stuff writes itself.

9:00 - Finishes up with a bunch of nice stories about martyrs. (I really liked his Pooh story, and after that, I kind of feel bad for making fun of him. I don’t think he’s the greatest speaker, but he sounds like a good father. I’m starting to become sentimental. I probably shouldn’t have drank that fourth glass of wine.)

There was an article in the Washington Post discussing the annual salaries of pastors and nonprofit CEO’s. (Odd comparison, since I think pastors and ceo’s serve two completely different functions, but whatever)

Read the article here: When Pay Seems to Charitable

And here are the best quotes:

I love my large church, even though, with more than 7,000 members, I often have to worship from an overflow room. But there is one bothersome downside of attending a megachurch. You’re often put in the position of defending your pastor’s personal finances.

In a look at pastoral pay, including housing, the National Association of Church Business Administration found the average annual salary to be $91,200. The low side in the survey was $13,700 a year, and the high was $249,600.

($91,200 seems like a lot of money to me. But maybe I’m naive.)

And here’s the author’s conclusion:

I’ve never looked at what kind of car my pastor drives, nor do I care what it is. When I give, I look at whether the charity, church or pastor is meeting the needs of the people and communities being served.

I think that’s a good mentality to have. I just wonder whether the church is really meeting the need of the community. I’m skeptical.

One year ago when we started this blog we felt like we needed an inside source for all our gossip. This role fell on our sister Angela and she became know as the Monday Morning Mole. Unfortunately, our Mole wasn’t very good about details. Most conversations went like this: “How was Church?” – “Fine” – “What did they talk about?” – “I don’t know.” – “If we paid you would you start taking better notes?” – “Leave me alone.”

As you can see this became very difficult for us and so we were often forced to make things up (it’s funnier that way anyhow). That is how this next post was formed. From Monday, December 20th, I give you #7.

Monday Mole Update

Our mole went to Church on Sunday, and she told me they actually preached about Jesus.

Several members of the congregation were shocked to hear a sermon about Jesus. Leading to this exchange between two members of the church:

Member #1: (whispering to friend) Whose this Jesus they’re talking about?

Member #2: Uh, I think he has something to do with Christianity or something like that. I don’t really know though, since this is the first I’ve heard of him here.

Member #1: Well, what am I supposed to do with all my money this week? No one has told me to give it to them.

Member #2: (shrugging) I don’t know, I suppose you could spend it on yourself.

Member #1: AND GO TO HELL! No way.(preaching continues)

Member #1: (leaning back over to her friend) You know, when I’m eating at a restaurant and I get a free meal, I usually just give the waiter a really good tip. You know to compensate for the free meal.

Member #2: Yeah, so…

Member #1: Well, since I guess the sermon is free today. I think I might just tip the usher.

Member #2: Good idea.

[Editors Note: I owe this idea to The Holy Trinity (of blogging).]

The “Eternity” play is now showing at your local CBC campus and I wanted to share a few excerpts from their website http://www.eternityproduction.com/index.html and then give a few thoughts of my own.

For those who don’t know, "Eternity" is a play where they show people dying and going to either heaven (if you’re a good person) or hell (if you’re gay). It basically uses scare tactics to get people to the alter. Yes, it’s effective for short term results; NO, it’s not effective for long term goals. Fear only motivates for a short time; people get numb too quickly.

With that in mind, here’s what they have to say:

They said: “Eternity" is an intense dramatic presentation of the Gospel that shows the reality of life after death… Heaven or Hell.

RP said: Really? Maybe a better title would have been “Heaven’s Gates/ Hell’s Flames”.

They said: City Bible Church determined to better impact their community for Christ. In 1996, Senior Pastor Frank Damazio and Pastor Ed Schefter set out to develop an outreach that would win souls by activating the local church. As a result, Eternity was built to be a relevant and hard hitting ninety-minute stage presentation to preach the gospel of Christ.

RP said: Let me re-write this accurately:
As you can see, not only do I think “Eternity” is a waste of time; I also think it’s a plagiarized waste of time. Now, what does the Bible say about stealing? (Exodus 20:15 Thou shalt not steal). But, I suppose if you change the music it’s not really stealing. Isn’t that right, Ed?

City Bible Church determined to better impact their community for Christ and make a little cash on the side. In 1996 Senior Pastor Frank Damazio and Pastor Ed Schefter stole an outreach that would win souls by activating the local church. As a result, the play "Heaven’s Gates / Hell’s Flames" was renamed "Eternity" and they’ve been taking credit for it ever since.

For those of you interested in learning about the real “Eternity” please visit http://mze.com/heavensgates/

For those of you not wanting to waste your time; please don’t visit either site.

With CBC announcing their plans to launch 9 or so new stores, what message does that send to the other local pastors?

“Attention Bob MacGregor, Senior pastor of City Harvest Church in Vancouver, you’re not doing a good enough job. We’re taking over”

“Attention Dr. James Martin, Senior pastor of Mr. Olivet Baptist Church in North Portland, You’re not doing a good enough job. We’re taking over… actually… no… we won’t be going anywhere near North Portland. Carry on. ”

Seriously, is this the formula set up by Christ? Is this the way an “A2” (Acts 2) church would act? Did Paul go around acting like Wal-Mart and pushing existing churches out of “business”?

I don’t think so. Shame on you City Bible Church, shame on you. I for one would like to treat them like a large box store and start a petition to “Keep City Bible Out of Vancouver”. I may not be a local resident, but I’ll be the first to sign.

KEEP CITY BIBLE CHURCH OUT OF VANCOUVER, WA

1. JOHNPAUL MORTON
2. ________________
3. ________________
4. ________________