And now for something completely the same
Posted on December 9th, 2005 by Reformed Pope into the Favorites categoryI think this blog has started to get a little “heavy”. I’d like to try and lighten things up by posting an old favorite. ILOVETRUTH, this is for you:
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
They Will Be Mocked
Disclaimer:The following post is 100% pure sarcasm and it contains absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. If sarcastic humor offends you, please stop reading now.
I have decided to make it a little easier for us all. Instead of spending hours in church learning the exact same thing week after week, I will now publish the 5 simple steps to receive blessings from God. (I may follow up with the book titled “5 Simples Steps to Receive Blessings from God”)
1. When your church begins to announce the offering start to pray for things that you need (want).
2. As you drop your tithe into the bucket say out loud “Lord in return for my gift I expect to receive _______” (fill in the blank with the things you need [want])
3. After dropping your tithe into the bucket take your hands and form a funnel* above your head. This way it will be easier for God to pour out his blessing on your life.
4. Once the blessing is confirmed immediately start your clap offering**.
5. Repeat
*Have you ever had someone ask you to make a funnel above your head to receive blessings from God? I have, but I don’t get it. Is God getting old? Does he have a case of the shakes? He really needs a funnel?
Here is how I see this going:
God: I will now pour out my blessings on Johnpaul
JP: Thanks God, I’ll help out by making a funnel with my hands.
God: Good idea son. Here we go. Whoops, looks like I poured a bit too much.
JP: Come on God, now I’ve got blessing all over my face; didn’t you see the funnel. Next time I’m asking for the Holy Ghost.
Is the funnel really necessary? I think I am going to take drift wood and spell the word BLESSING in case God happens to fly by my house. That way He will know exactly where to drop off that check for “millions maybe even billions of dollars”***.
**See Clap, clap, clap, clap from Feb 5th, 2005
***See The Jesus Sweepstakes from Feb 4th, 2005
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December 9th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
JP, I have to hand it to you, that was hilarious!!! You’re right, it was time to lighten it up a little and since it’s too early to leave the office for happy hour this is great. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to explain my uncontrollable laughter to my co-workers. If I even attempted to explain your blog to these non-CBCers they’d be worried for my mental health.
December 12th, 2005 at 7:08 am
ROFL!
This is pure genius. Thanks for the laughs.