HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND PISS OFF PEOPLE
Posted on February 18th, 2006 by Reformed Pope into the Favorites categorySomeone recently suggested that I write a book on Insults. And while I sensed a hint of sarcasm in his comments I’ve decided that I’ll accept the compliment and take the challenge (I’ll be covering “Turning Sarcasm into Compliments” in chapter 3) and so here’s the first (and probably last) entry in my book.
I’ve decided to call the book “Witty Comebacks and Humorous Banter, a Morton's guide to life” which is a terrible name, I know (Chapter 4 covers “Beat them to it” When you say/do something that isn’t very good… beat them to the insult. It totally diffuses them.), but it gets the general theme across rather well.
I may get ex-communicated from City Business Church for sharing these Morton (and Saucier) traditions which have been passed down from generation to generation, but I’m tired of winning every argument. So here we go.
Chapter 1: THE KEY TO IT ALL
Before we can get to great rebuttals we first need to discuss how to handle insults.
When someone makes a comment about you (good, bad, or otherwise) there are two ways to take it.
- They are telling the truth.
- They are lying.
Option 1 (the Truth) If what they say is true, well… then it’s true. If you don’t like it, then decide to fix it; if you don’t mind it, move on. The truth only hurts if you are lying to yourself.
Option 2 (the Lie) If what they say is false, well, then they are a liar. Enough said. Defending yourself against a lie only makes you look guilty.
Understanding this simple concept is the foundation for getting under someone’s skin. It all starts with how well you can handle their comments.
If someone calls you and Idiot, how do you respond? If someone says you’re a complete sucker, what do you do? If someone calls you an M-F’ing SOB how do you take that?
Some say laughter is the best medicine; I say laughter is the best weapon.
You see, it isn’t about what they say or even what you say…it’s about how you take it. If you can put yourself in a position where nothing bothers you, then you can’t loose. It isn’t really a battle against someone else it is actually a battle against yourself.
Either it’s true or it’s not, but it doesn’t really matter. Maybe I am an idiot, a sucker, an M-F’ing SOB; so what? As long as there is a smile on my face I’m sending the clear message that I enjoy my life. And that is why you can’t win.
When in a debate, always remember the golden rule of verbal combat: IF YOU AREN’T LAUGHING THEN YOU AREN’T WINNING.
Laugh with. Laugh at. Laugh.
It’s really that simple.
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February 18th, 2006 at 10:19 am
I like this a lot, and would buy the book. I may even teach it to my elementary students.
KM
February 18th, 2006 at 11:20 am
Justin is a drunk
Johnpaul is a asshole
Jesse is a drunk sissy unfunny asshole
Joel is a bum
February 18th, 2006 at 11:55 am
mortons are scubs, I think you made it really clear in your blog name that you do not like the mortons, but thanks for the elaboration.
February 18th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Mortons are scrubs -
Unfunny really? I’m kinda funny.
February 18th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
I know I’m funny.
February 18th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
My girlfriends are all hot Italians, my cars are all red Italians, my clothes are all Italian, and my non-alcoholic wines are Italian—all because I’m funnier than all of you and I tithe. (not to mention the money I hand out to bums on the street and my offering of 4 percent, which of course is an unlucky number in Japan)
blessings (financially, of course)
February 18th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Just one small edit:
1. They are on crack and are telling the truth.
2. They are on crack and are lying.
Other than that, I agree with you. The best response is to smile sincerely, provide a witty repy that illustrates you couldn’t really give so much as a weak fart about what they think, and then turn the other cheek.
Works every time.
:)
February 18th, 2006 at 4:52 pm
“Justin is a drunk”
No argument here.
February 18th, 2006 at 5:04 pm
Here are some suggestions for your book on how to lose friends and piss people off:
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.”
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace.”
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X - BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains such as “Feliz Navidad,” the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
February 18th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
You make me laugh!
I would buy your book!
Ha!
p.s. you sure do have a lot of thin skinned posters.
Whaaa! you hurt my feelings!!!!! sniff………
HA ha ha!!!!!
February 19th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
Wow, and I am moving into this in two weeks. Where’s my label? Oh yeah, it’s “Morton”
Justin- hilarious
John-Paul- funniest
Jesse- slightly hilarious
Joel- Bum, but slightly funnier than Jesse
February 19th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Justin is a drunk?
I can tell you I have been to Vegas with him and I was with him in New York on new years eve, and both nights he was in bed by 9:30. Sober. This Justin is a drunk thing is little bit over played.
Another Morton asked where his label was. So here it goes
Erik - Hilarious Drunk
February 19th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
Thanks for the shout-out Jesse.
John-Paul: Have you lost friends? Really?
February 19th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
MAN does every one no i’m a bum!!!
hey do you think mom and dad know?
can we not tell them cause i’ve still got a couple years to squeeze out of that basement.
and actually im a dirty bum (just so next time you can be option 1 and not two)
February 20th, 2006 at 12:51 am
“Witty Comebacks and Humorous Banter, a Morton’s guide to life”
From A letter written to sub-demon as told by CS Lewis
Humour is for them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing,grace of life .Hence it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame . If a man simply lets others pay for him, he is mean; if he boasts of it in a jocular manner and twits his fellows with having been scored off,he is no longer mean but a comical fellow. Mere cowardice is shameful; cowardice boasted of with humorous exaggerations and grotesque gestures can be passd off as funny. Cruelty is shameful-unless the cruel man can represent it as a practical joke. A thousand bawdy , or even blasphemous,jokes do not help toward a man’s damnation so much as his discovery that almost anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval but with admiration of his fellows,if only it can get itself treated as a joke.
If prolonged ,the habit of flippancy builds up around a man the finest armour -plating against the Enemy that I know, and it is quite free from the dangers inherent in the other sources of laughter. It is a thousand miles away from joy;it deadens,instead of sharpening , the intellect; and it excites no affection between those who practise it
Your affectionate uncle
Screwtape
February 20th, 2006 at 1:28 am
If you make a joke out of it, you always win.
:]
February 21st, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Cat,
Weren’t you the one to say “it’s all lunch to me.”
February 21st, 2006 at 6:29 pm
…And we’ve come full circle.
February 21st, 2006 at 8:00 pm
I go to CBC and have for years. Totally love the church and am very involved. I still think this blog is hilarious and read it regularly! Thanks.
February 21st, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Me Too.
August 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
[…] For further understanding of how I work please see this post: How to lose friends and piss off people […]
August 10th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Aaaah, freedom to partake is one of the greatest benefits of detoxing from the church world!
August 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I like this and I am learning.
August 10th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Wow, finally found someone who has longer lists than we do! Gonna have to print this out for later reading!
August 10th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
DeTox Church Group said:
August 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
As long as there is a smile on my face I’m sending the clear message that I enjoy my life. And that is why you can’t win.
When in a debate, always remember the golden rule of verbal combat: IF YOU AREN’T LAUGHING THEN YOU AREN’T WINNING.
Laugh with. Laugh at. Laugh.
It’s really that simple.
I like this and I am learning.
This reminds me of the time I went to my sons seventh grade conference. I always had to brace myself for the long list of comments they had about what a smart alec, disruptive, clown he was. When it came to the last teacher of the day I entered his classroom and sat down for another session of “what a jerk your son is and how he pisses me off session”.
To my surprise he greeted me and then proceeded to go on and on about how great it was to have a kid like Aric in his class. He couldn’t say enough about how delightful he was and how much he enjoyed his sense of humor. When he was done I thanked him and said “but at the same time I’m a little shocked because all of the other teachers really had a problem with Aric’s sense of humor in their classrooms. He said that was because most adults are threatened by a kid that has a sense of humor that is as highly developed as Arics was. He said that it was actually a sign of high intelligence and maturity and because he was probably their equal as far as intellect and maturity went they could not stand it!
I think that is what is going on here on this blog. You guys are challenging the powers that be on so many levels and using humor to do it is one of them.
August 10th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
who is another morton? it’s not me. although I am another Morton.