Jesus wants you at home
Posted on March 28th, 2006 by catalyst into the Uncategorized category
When I was in college I used so read an online magazine called Boundless published by Focus on the Family. After about a year, I stopped reading the magazine, because I realized the website was not focused on Christ. Instead the magazine was centered around spreading a conservative Evanglical message. And let's be honest, the American Evangelical message has little to do with sharing Christ's grace and has lot more to do with not having sex until your married.
However, I still receive email updates from Boundless, and one entry recently caught my eye. The author discusses a recent trend in home ownership showing more single woman purchasing their own homes. I had a pretty good idea where the author, Candace Watters, was going to take the article, but I wanted to read it for myself just to make sure.
As you can guess, Ms. Watters, does not want single women buying homes. She couches her argument with a lot of modern understanding reasoning. But essentially Ms. Watters believes that single women should be focused on getting married. And men do not want to marry a woman who does not live at home with her parents. Thus, a single woman should live with her parents until Prince Charming (aka Jesus) proposes.
Here is a good section summarizing her argument:
Before you dismiss this idea of family living as financially foolish, socially limiting and embarrassingly outmoded, remember why women did it. Their goal was marriage. They wanted a husband and children. And living at home seemed to expedite the process. Recognizing that today the age of first-time marriage is as old as it's ever been in history (27 for women, 29 for men), I think it's safe to say our forward-thinking approach isn't working.
Not only does a family home provide protection from unscrupulous, unmotivated men, but also creates opportunities for service and responsibility that foster mature character. It's nearly impossible to create such conditions when you live by yourself or even with likeminded roommates.
As a 28 year old single man, I would just like to add a couple comments. First, this is ridiculous. Men are not attracted to women who still live at home. It's 2006 not 1956. If you're older than 24 and still live at home, it becomes a deterrent to men. And it has nothing to do with sex. Living at home makes us worry about your ability to take care of yourself, and think for yourself. And we wonder whether you are looking for a husband or are you looking for another father to take care of you.
Second, I would like to point out to my mother that the average age for men to marry is 29. I still have a year, Mom. One more year.
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March 28th, 2006 at 8:53 am
Hey Cat, I own my own home.
One year, my brother.
March 28th, 2006 at 8:56 am
This section jumped out at me…
I don’t know whether to laugh or get angry at the author saying that single women my age should hide in their parent’s house so scumbags like me won’t take advantage of them.
March 28th, 2006 at 9:43 am
Can I puke now?
March 28th, 2006 at 9:44 am
My girlfriend tried to live at home, but her parents told her that unless she stoped talking to me she had to move out.
March 28th, 2006 at 10:12 am
Oh crap. Wait till Jiminey reads this.
March 28th, 2006 at 11:19 am
Right on, sister Watters!
Let’s bring back arranged marriages too, after all, the family patriarch knows what’s best for the kids! :rolleyes:
I married at 22 - way too young and immature - and for the wrong reasons - and swore after 16 years of hell I’d never marry again. But the Father had a different idea, and had reserved an amazing spirit-filled woman for me, who had never been married. We were in our early 40’s when we were married the summer of ‘97, after meeting on AOL the year before, which I might add she surfed from her own PC in the living room in her own small house.
My wife amazes me still - the strength of her spirit, her independence, and most of all, her steadfast refusal to compromise her belief that the Father had made someone just for her. I wish I was as strong, and had waited for the Father to bring her along in His time, instead of rushing to the alter with my choice.
The snippet of the article seems pretty narrow - my wife is a teacher, and after obtaining her BA, was hired by a school much to far from home to live with mom and dad. Had she remained with mom and dad until a husband came along, her only employment choice was a canning factory, where she worked in her mid-teens, and was harrassed mercilessly by lecherous old men.
Perhaps the magazine should be called Brainless instead?
March 28th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Yes, Brainless sounds a much more appropriate title for this magazine. Good grief. I suppose the author of this asinine article would like for her readers to see a cause-effect relationship between women living outside the childhood/parental home and marrying a bit older to the divorce rate in this country. Nonsense! I’d question any such assertion. Let’s talk about how her theory promotes destructive behavior in young women:
1) Marrying the first Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along (regardless of whether he’s worthy life-partner material) JUST to get out from under her parents’ thumb; this ends in either a rotten marriage or divorce much more often than not (not to mention the low socio-economic status of most couples who marry young, especially with only one working, which women who adhere to the “live at home until I move into husband’s house” theory likely adhere to, as well).
2) Viewing marriage as her only goal; marrying is something we do along the race of life as we’re pursuing our goals, NOT a goal or end in and of itself; thinking of it otherwise causes us to think of marriage as something other than what it is which leads to implosion or explosion, more often than not.
3) Viewing herself as “on hold” until she become someone’s wife; needless to say, this causes a young woman to think she is of no value with nothing to contribute to the Body of Christ or the world until she has “Mrs” in front of her name. This is bad enough for a 21-year-old, but how about when that 21-year-old turns 25? Or 28? Or 30? Or 35? It happens. The older a woman gets while living with her parents, with the mindset that her life is on hold until she marries, the more miserable she becomes and the more likely she is to either settle for someone unworthy or live a double life (i.e., the virginal goody-two-shoes awaiting Prince Charming AND the wild party girl).
I fail to see how ANY of the above scenarios help develop a young woman’s character or help her to live abundantly or prepare her for a healthy marriage!!!
I myself married in my early 30’s. Like us all, I had many prior opportunities to do so, but I thank God (really!) that he spared me a lifetime with any of the guys I dated before my current husband. Anyone can “get married.” What is hard is having a quality marriage. If you don’t start with the right ingredients, it’s worlds more difficult than it need be (i.e., two halves don’t make a whole when it comes to marriage). Anyway, before I married, I (like John 444’s wife) left my home-town in order to pursue higher education and then my profession, had amazing, enriching experiences professionally and personally both in the US and overseas, and, yes, bought my own house (shock!). I struggled with that last decision because of some pressure from “the church,” and girlfriends who feared getting their own degrees or houses out of fear that “someday” “some guy” might be intimidated by such accomplishments. I say any man who is “intimidated” by a woman with education, earning power and/or a home is too wimpy to have as a life partner anyway. So, actually, my churchy friends’ attitudes helped me to seek the Lord’s will for my life and become even more determined to make the most of my single-hood, as Paul urges, by focusing on the Lord and my relationship with him, working with disenfranchised young people, developing my gifts and being a wise steward. Was my (now) husband a bit intimidated by the fact that I owned a home and he didn’t? Only for about two minutes, until I pointed out that the lawn would be his to mow and the mortgage would be his to pay. Then he got over it. Was he intimidated by the fact that I earn(ed) more money than he? Not even for a minute; he said/says he’s no fool! Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely not slacker wanting a sugar mama, but it’s all “our” money, so who cares who makes it? His attitudes towards those things about me helped me know how strong he is as a person, and made me respect him immensely. By the way, I’m glad the Lord directed me to buy my house when He did because I could never afford it now (even now that I’m married and we have two incomes). God really does direct our steps and he does know much more than we do.
Not only does a family home provide protection from unscrupulous, unmotivated men, but also creates opportunities for service and responsibility that foster mature character. It’s nearly impossible to create such conditions when you live by yourself or even with likeminded roommates.
Nonsense! Many families allow unscrupulous men in, they’re just wolves in sheep’s clothing. Also, it IS possible to “guard one’s own heart” (the Bible wouldn’t direct us to do it if it weren’t possible) and I’ve had some intense roommate accountability in my life; much more effective than my parents (who weren’t believers and regularly verbalized their own frustration over my commitment to save sex until marriage).
Catalyst, thanks for sharing the grown-up male perspective on this.
I could say much, much more, but since I’m preaching to the choir, I’ll stop now.
March 28th, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Jiminy has read it….
It’s too ridiculous for me to even consider formulating some kind of logical argument to respond with, actually. Sometimes I forget that there are people sitting around dreaming up this kind of primeval nonsense…and I feel much better about the world when I have forgotten it. When someone reminds me, it’s not even so much that I get angry…these days, it’s more that I’m just puzzled by the whole thing. Now here I am, living in a converted Franciscan monastery on the Hungarian government’s nickel….so I can’t speak to the virtues of home ownership per se (I wish I could…but, alas, student loans will come up first). However, I will say that I think it’s GREAT that the average age for marriage is going up. That’s the best news I’ve heard all week. Because really, what’s a bigger risk/responsibility? Owning a house by yourself or getting married and having kids? I’d argue that choice B is riddled with a lot more risk on a lot more important capital — human lives. Who are these people kidding? This isn’t about morality or even about traditional values — it’s about oppression and the fear of ANY kind of social change, pure and simple. Give me a break.
March 28th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
My poor poor sisters… can you imagine my anguish as both of my younger sisters 21 and 19 are ecouraged to think like this Ms. Watters. And my mom makes sure this mag is in the home every month.
P.S. I got two years mom but i think I’ll hold out till I’m around 50 years young or so. This way I can actually accomplish something in my life instead of being one of your clueless, but saved, drones.
XOXO
March 28th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
I very briefly dated a girl who went to City Bible, and she lived at home.
It is DEFINITELY a deterrent.
March 28th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
(Not only does a family home provide protection from unscrupulous, unmotivated men, but also creates opportunities for service and responsibility that foster mature character. It’s nearly impossible to create such conditions when you live by yourself or even with likeminded roommates.)
I think this is Hilarious! While I lived in our “family home” with my Godly parents under their “spiritual covering” this coworker of mine I was somewhat involved with at the time (aka unscrupulous, unmotivated man) would sneak into my room at night even while the fam was at home. My parents of course had no idea this was going on or he would have been shot on sight I’m sure. I guess I should also add that my parents were devastated to find out when I was forced by my CBC leadership to fess up to my parents even though I was in my TWENTIES and this unscrupulous, unmotivated man wasn’t required to do the same… don’t get me started!!!
Anyway, when I moved out of the house I gained a sense of responsibility (and self respect!!!). I can honestly say that being on my own helped me give up that immoral lifestyle I had kept hidden and stop relying on my parents’ salvation to cover me. I lived on my own for years before I got married and I think it was the healthiest thing I could have done.
Plus, at this point I wish to God I had bought a house back then. Who is this lady handing out horrible advice? Obviously not a realtor!
March 28th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Boundless isn’t all about the conservative message. After all, they publish articles written by the wonderful Lauren Winner, who is both an Episcopalian and Democrat.
March 28th, 2006 at 8:56 pm
A recruiter for PBC?
March 28th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
Second, I would like to point out to my mother that the average age for men to marry is 29. I still have a year, Mom. One more year.
Only because unscrupulous guys like me keep driving up the median. You’re welcome.
March 29th, 2006 at 7:23 am
If I were ever to marry again (I’m quite happily married now, btw!) I would never even look twice at a girl who is over 25 and still lives at home.
What a turn-off.
I can’t think of too many things more pathetic, then a 25 year old girl who has no career and lives at home just waiting for
JesusMr. Right to come along and get her dad’s approval. I would run the other way, fast, because I would not want this girl to think I’m her newfathersugar-daddy…The writer of that article ought to be buried soon. She’s must be what? 95 years old? sheesh.
March 29th, 2006 at 7:46 am
I’m going to do my best to keep driving up that average for you Catalyst! However, if I end up dating a woman with her own house, I may finally give up and get married.
March 29th, 2006 at 11:55 am
I always ‘preciated a woman with her own place. It’s so much easier leaving by the door, than crawling out her window and down the trellis without waking her parents …
March 29th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Or better yet - it’s probably easier just not being the “unscrupulous man” period!
March 29th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
I gave up scruples for lent, and never went back …
March 29th, 2006 at 1:05 pm
I’m watching you ‘Scrupe … ever read Sinners in the hands of an angry God? Don’t tempt me …
JC
March 29th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
This is the most ridiculous thing ever. It is astounding to me that people still think along these lines. She says it is impossible to create opportunities for service and responsibility while living alone? Who does she think pays the mortgage and utilities when living alone or owning your own home? The mortgage fairy? The holes in her logic are terrible.
One thing to note, some people might need to live with their parents for financial reasons. In certain areas of the country the cost of living is so high that for young people who just graduated and are in entry level jobs and paying for college loans, it might be the only option. But, I’d highly recommend living on your own if you can afford it because it teaches you a tremendous amount of real life responsibility you can’t get from college!
March 30th, 2006 at 9:09 am
Former
Cupbearer, you're 27 and you still live at home don't you?
March 30th, 2006 at 9:39 am
Hardly. Married and own a house. I lived on my own all through college (after my misguided sojourn at PBC) and prior to being married.
I was just pointing out some areas of the country are very expensive for young people to live on their own.
April 10th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product/?item_no=47413&p=1010575
This book is one of her references for the article. My favorite chapter is #10 “Single=Celibate”. Anyways take a look it is quite hilarious.
April 12th, 2006 at 8:00 am
Excellent link Hannah. I’m not reading the book, life is too short for that, but I do love the chapter entitled, “Inspiring Biblical Manhood.”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!