Speaking Out
Posted on November 13th, 2006 by catalyst into the Comments From Others categoryRecently, two former Portland Bible College professors (David Mackin and Tom Sparks) came onto the blog and spoke out against what is being preached at City Bible Church. I do not know who these two men are, but evidently they have a long and storied past with City Bible Church. Here is Tom's story:
First, let me begin by expressing my apology to all of you. I so desperately wanted to be valued and feel significant, that without realizing it I sold my soul to CBC and PBC, so as to have the ministry I so much wanted. There is no question I also wanted it because I truly believed the Lord wanted me in the role of both elder and teacher and I wanted to please Him in all I did. In the end…mixture.
As time went by, and especially after becoming an elder, I began to realize how seriously wrong many elements of the theology and practice CBC was committed to. For a long while I did all I could to navigate around Dick Iverson’s requirements for all of the elders to publicly support his beliefs and still be true to the things God was showing me. It ultimately turned out to be a dance of death for my son Tyler. Religious hypocrsy and addictions don’t just affect the minister. They pollute his family as well, and of course the congregation too.
I owe my son Tyler, and all my students, and fellow congregants a deep apology for needing to be needed, and not dropping out of the leadership and off the staff of PBC long before I did.
When Tyler decided he could no longer stand the hypocrisy of it all, and felt the only way he could express his disapproval was through experimenting with drugs, and other dangerous behaviors, all I could do was negatively react to him and increase the pressure. The more pressure the greater the distance, and soon his life was spinning completely out of control.
For so many years previous, I had put pressure on my family to “look the part,” of a godly elders family, so that the ministry of God in my life would have the opportunity to bless the congregation. Pardon me while I pause to hold back throwing up at this point in my narrative. In other words, my attitudes had nothing to do with protecting godliness, and had everything to do with religious addictions and the need to be needed.
Unfortunately for Tyler, and to some degree my daughters as well, this phoniness pushed them away from God and towards unhealthy things. In time, and continued waywardness, Tyler made choices that hurt him more deeply. I deeply regret his choices, especially as they were reactions to my religious addictions, even though I know he was ultimately responsible for his own choices. I can’t help but feel I share in part of those choices.
Listen folks, since 150 AD, or said in another way, just after the death of the apostles, the Church detoured from the simplicity of loving Jesus and each other, and turned it into power struggles, religious politics, pursuits of money, and developed one doctrine of man after another. The very thing Jesus warned of. Religiosity, religious addictions, and the evil pursuits of man’s agenda stamped with Jesus’ name, became normative for the Church.
Fallen man has a huge difficulty recognizing his inherent tendency towards the very insecurities Adam and Eve felt, the day Jesus asked them why they were hiding among the bushes. When we fail to own these insecurities, then we pursue sinful methods of resolving those insecurities, and when we do so in the context of the Church, then we develop religious practices and doctrines that marginalize Jesus and make room for the traditions of the elders.
I was a part of this, and I’m sure, to one degree or another still am. Religious hypocrisy is far easier to spot in someone else’s life than in our own. I’m suspicious I still embrace more than I’m aware of. To the degree any of us are we hurt the body of Christ, and we develop concepts of Church that end up abusing the Lord’s flock. What a tragedy!
So, when Tyler’s past caught up to him, even though he had been living with us again, and had cleaned up his life and ways, he had thought an issue he faced with the authorities was history, but when it turned out not to be so, and the fear of the potentials of repercussions from the law overwhelmed him, coupled with years of Meth abuse, and he over reacted and took his life before anyone could help him process his fears and walk it through to completion. In all likelihood it would not have gone as badly as he suspected, but Meth had burned out his capacity to reason solidly and he took his life.
He had been such a blessing in our home, for the last two years he spent with us. His childlike nature had returned. We had great times around the property, and he appeared poised for life success. Obviously the enemy of his soul had other plans, and Tyler wasn’t quite ready to fend him off, and we didn’t even get 24 hours to help him make better decisions.
So, why do I tell all of you this? Because to one degree or another Tyler’s death is a microcosmic evidence of the serious dangers of religious hypocrisy, as manifested in my life, and the life of historical Christianity.
Before you rush to console and balance me out, I want you all to know I have received the grace of God, for my errors, but receiving His grace and forgiveness don’t instantly remove all the pain, and to be honest with you I’m glad they don’t. It is just too important that I never forget the seriousness of the errors that my brethren at CBC still embrace, promote, and believe in.
When you challenge them regarding their hypocrisy, while right now they know only to reject your challenges, one day these challenges will be an abiding testimony of God’s love to reach out to them, warn them, and warn all others connected with their errors.
George Barna sees it. Some 50 million American believers have seen it, and have left the institutional Church. Our European brethren are emerging from it all, and around the world small simple Church is happening again. We have a long ways to go, but the journey is essential if Jesus is to be honored as the rightful Head of His Church, in replacement of the false “One man shows,” known as Pope’s and Senior Pastors.
We dont need specialized buildings, professional clergy, control oriented hierarchical leadership, pulpits, pews, and stained glass. We need one thing, and that thing is a Person. When believers come out of these false systems and return to simple worship of Jesus, simple love for the brethren, care for the lost, poor, and disenfranchised of this world, then the world will see the true Church again.
The brother who identifies himself as the “Former inner circle member,” is wise to challenge me about my current beliefs as regards the principle of tithing. My beliefs may still be errant. I continue to pray deeply about this matter. I think if he reads my article carefully he will be a bit less concerned, but perhaps not. In the final summation of that subject all I really believe is that everything we have we have received from Jesus, and Jesus loves folks, and He will guide us to share the things He gives us with those He loves, whether they are fellow believers, our ministering teachers, the poor, the widows, and the orphans. It’s no more complicated than that. This is what my article is all about, and this is where I’m living.
We currently receive no monthly ministry income from anyone, and I discourage those I gather with from doing such for me. I’m no longer Bro Tom, or Pastor Tom, or Elder Tom. I’m just Tom. I don’t want anything else.
As God leads me to travel to different nations then I let those trips, and the needs connected with those trips, be known among those who are close to me, and if they sense a leading to assist with expenses then that is received.
We’re all on a journey folks, and truth is gained slowly, and error goes painfully. I want to embrace the cross and and let it have its full work in my life, and I still have a long journey ahead in that area.
I hope this blogging has not been too wordy, and I hope it helps some.
I pray God delivers all the saints who have been polluted by the garbage I have now recognized and turned from. As for my brethren who are still in leadership at CBC…God bless them! They are good men and women. I truly believe this. Including Dick Iverson and Frank Damazio. I think they adhere to many things I now believe are error, and I pray they awaken to this one day, but I refuse to castigate them as evil men. If there are evil things at work within them I don’t know of it. I experienced some wounding from them, but I hold no malice against them for it.
Listen folks, error gets woven into the fabric of our beings in such a way that we can end up doing heiness things and believe we are doing God a favor. Look at what Paul did to the Church before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus. The same is true of these men. It has been true of me. It is the story of religious history. To whatever degree I have been delivered, praise His name. I want the same thing for them. They are deceived and are deceiving others, but I would be very hesitant to believe that it is intentional. It is ugly, it is hypocritical in many manifestations, but religious bigotry is not an easy matter to deal with in our own lives.
As for Ted Haggard…he is now on a journey of self awareness that will blow his mind. I pray he lets Jesus do an inside job that blows his mind. He needs our prayer support if he is going to get disentangled from the garbage that has polluted his belief system.
Enough for now. God bless you as you struggle with getting free from the errors of man. I’m still in my journey as well.
Tom
RSS feed for posts
November 13th, 2006 at 8:50 am
Hi Tom,
Oh wow. I did not know Tyler committed suicide. We shared many “deep thought” moments during the few years we knew each other. Although our methods differed, he and I we were searching together for the same thing.
Please give a hug to the girls and your wife from me.
And thanks for posting on the blog here. I wish more people knew your background with Bible Temple and PBC, so that your story carries the full weight it ought.
November 13th, 2006 at 9:49 am
Tom ..
Thanks for your candid sharing. I am so sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your son.
It is good to hear from both you and David. It adds validity to all the experiences many of us have had to different degrees. Not that we need validity, but just knowing that our feelings/experiences/whatever were not exaggerated but truly occurred.
I look forward to hearing more from you. Not for “scoop” on the past, but just the fellowship!!
November 13th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Tom,
Joey and I were so sad to read of Tyler’s death. He was a bright and engaging young man and we were always impressed with how respectful he was even while we knew he was struggling.
I can’t thank you (and Dave) enough for sharing your stories. We always wondered what was going on during those years but I think many of us were too afraid to ask (”don’t rock the boat” and all that). It wasn’t until we were part of an outreach church that started developing the same controlling patterns that we learned to start asking. When the answers kept coming back “Because I’m the pastor” we started becoming very wary. We were afraid to leave though because we knew we would be castigated and have very little means to defend ourselves against an “anointed” person. When we got to the point that we didn’t care what was said about us, we left (and yes, we were labeled as”bad apples” by our former pastor).
All we had both known was Bible Temple and it’s ways and we felt so adrift we would have run back to Portland if we’d had the resources to do so. In time God led us to a church where the people (and the leaders) were actually living the Bible. We were shocked, we didn’t know it could exist! We came to realize that our money problems were not a “spirit of poverty” that could be solved by buying a Casey Treat tape series or giving more to the church, but we were just going through hard times (as promised in God’s word) which allowed us to witness God’s grace in our lives. Over time many of the doctrinal errors we had clung to began to be replaced by the truth contained in the Bible. We felt as if somebody had thrown a bucket of cold water in our faces and we were shocked into a new existence (born again-again!).
Although we went through a trying time (and still bear some scars) we would do it all over again in order to come to this place in our lives. We are filled with such gratitude for our Savior’s sacrifice on our behalf and have such a renewed love for the cross. We serve at a church who’s pastors are not afraid to admit that they are dork’s just like the rest of us and we love them for it.
Tom, we are sorry for all that you and Laura (and your kids) went through. We have always had a great respect for you. Thank you for being willing to share your story. It answers so many of the questions we have had over the years.
November 13th, 2006 at 10:55 am
Tom -
Wow… I don’t even know how to begin to express how much I appreciate your candidly sharing such a personal family situation with all of us; I am moved to tears by your honesty and obvious integrity. I could not even begin to imagine how difficult and painful this loss is for you and the family! I was one of Tyler’s classmates in high school and was extremely saddened when I just recently learned of his passing.
Growing up my parents were fully immersed in church-life and 100% committed to the church ministry too, so I know what a difficult position you can be put in at times as a parent choosing between trying to do the right thing with your children while also following the rules or standards that may be imposed on you as a leader in the church. It is a very fine line between what is considered right and wrong from a biblical stance and what is considered acceptable by “community standards” which are established by the church. With that said, I think we’re all guilty of hypocrisy in one way or another.
You’ve shared your experience in such a humble and honest manner, and your reluctance to place blame on the church leadership speaks volumes about your character. I sincerely hope that other parents who are “dedicated to the ministry” can learn from your story and re-evaluate their own motivation and priorities.
Thank you for your honesty and I know that Tyler would be very proud of you for your honesty and for sharing your testimony in his honor.
November 13th, 2006 at 11:54 am
We do miss Tyler so much! No words can describe. Thank you for your words of support and encouragement.
I still very much love the brothers and sisters I worked with in BT/CBC and PBC. While those were very hard years, 15 of them, there were also some incredibly wonderful times too. I don’t walk closely with many of them these days, as so many of them, with a few exceptions, still cling tenaciously to a system I’ve come to recognize is wrong, unhealthy, abusive and dishonoring to Jesus and His flock, but it doesn’t change my love for them.
Hypocrisy is a strange internal phenomena. I’ve come to know it is like carrying around an alien inside our psyche. There are places within us we know to be “off” but the system seems to support it, and we have such profound respect for some of the leaders in the system, that we conclude these alien sensings must not be accurate.
Over the years I accumulated many such sensings, until their sheer numbers demanded I look deeper, question harder, and pray more openly. Fortunately for me, a series of events helped me to step back and take the deep look I’d always feared taking. It changed everything.
I’m like each of you. I hate hypocrisy, and probably more honestly I hate being the recipient of hypocritical behavior, but the fact is that identifying, owning, and being delivered of all hypocrisy is an incredible journey. I’m convinced there are still a myriad of hypocritical dimensions to my personhood, and I’m trying to be as honest with myself and Christ as I have ever been.
Is it any wonder, with all the incentives for hypocrisy (I.e. a title, a position, power, a salary, systems oriented honor and respect, security and significance) that any of us get free of it at all, especially of those who were the beneficiaries of all these bogus perks.
When Paul said, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain,” this brother truly knew what it was like to lose all of the above mentioned perks. Listen brethren, those perks are as powerfully addictive as they are ugly. I don’t know how God disentangles any who benefit from this junk. It’s a mystery.
I often wander around in something of a daze, trying to figure out who I am, now that I no longer experience these perks. I’m just “Tom,” period, nothing more exciting, or religiously significant than just a follower of Jesus. I grant you that is enough, and that is a wonderful place to be, but it is vastly different than the religious space I used to occupy. You may have no idea how intoxicating it is to be called “Pastor Tom,” or “Brother Tom,” or, overseas “Reverend Tom,” and to be paid for it, honored in it, and given open doors of ministry because of it. Religious addiction, as far as I’m concerned is just about as intense as any substance addiction, and as far as I’m concerned it is a far greater sin to tolerate when God takes the wrapper off of it and exposes it for what it is, than is alcoholism or drug addiction.
So, thank you for your kind words, and please continue to pray for me, and for the countless millions of the religiously addicted hypocritical pharisees that populate the hierarchical Church structures of this world.
November 13th, 2006 at 2:25 pm
Thank you, Tom, for such a well-written, thoughtful, forthright response. I’d heard of your family’s loss, although it’d never been substantiated, and all of us are very sorry for your loss. So many of the families and old BT folks left the church, jaded, hurt and confused, and many haven’t returned to ‘organized religion’ since then. It is important to realize, at the head of any church, is just a human being, doing the best that they know how, regardless of the church or denomination. With that said, I do think that each person, in their quest to know God, can find a home church that meets their needs, and provides a spiritual safe haven. Please continue on your journey to seek and know God, as is right for you and your family, just as so many of us are doing, post BT/CB. I think we all know, first hand, how hard healing can be, but with His grace, is possible.
Amy S
November 13th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
[…] http://www.citybusinesschurch.org/blog/2006/11/13/speaking-out/ […]
November 13th, 2006 at 5:18 pm
It’s so true Amy…they are just fallible humans like the rest of us.
At times it is hard for us to accord this to them, because they posture themselves over us as if they were abusive parents, and it creates a reaction to it, as it should, but ultimately I believe the best reaction is to tackle it on the truth level, and expose the errors for what they are and pray for the humans. And, at times it best to just walk away from it, and avoid any more abuse. Each one will know what they are called to.
When the Pharisees came after Jesus, got in His face, and tried to refute the wisdom and truth with which He spoke, then they got a taste of His divine power of confrontation, but we don’t see Him chasing them down and trying to draw them into public arguments. I don’t see that here either.
The closest we see Jesus get to this, is what a good friend of mine revealed to me, in his study on “The Traditions of men,” in which he showed clearly that Jesus was led by the Spirit to do certain things that specifically contradicted the traditions of the elders, as taught in their Mishnah. Many of his acts directly exposed the errors of these teachings, so as to reveal God’s disdain for these traditions, and to set the people free from the Pharisees legalism and control.
Of course the Pharisees reacted to Him doing this, and certainly He knew they would, and did it anyway, but I think that is different than seeking out the Pharisees and engaging them in argument, so as to humiliate them in front of their followers. They did this to Jesus, but we don’t see Jesus returning the behavior.
We are called to walk out the truth He reveals to us, clarify the truth to those who refute it, expose error when so led, and still love those who embrace false doctrine.
I feel certain Jesus was manifesting the love of God, even when confronting the elders of his day. It’s a heart issue. Sure he called Herod a “fox,” and the Pharisees “White washed tomb stones,” and He was right in doing so, but I think it’s important to know that he did so, not to taunt them or get back at them, but so as to clarify the truth and protect the innocent, while clearly and unmistakably exposing error, no matter who expressed that error.
Certainly wounded folks will express their woundings in ways that reflect their pain, and at times this blog has been a safe haven for them do so. Who am I to put shame on anyone for creating a safe environment for the expression of their pain. The fact that others visit this environment, become offended, or are stirred up to heap on the shame, just reveals they either needed the rawness of this place or they are best to go away and leave the matter in Jesus’ hands.
At times I’m uncomfortable with some of the expressions here, and I imagine Jesus is too, but if any one of us think that Peter, James, and John, respectively “Big Mouth,” and “The Sons of Thunder,” were soft spoken, easy going guys, and that Jesus chose them for their refinedness, go read the accounts again. I don’t think so. Jesus always seems to like those who are rough around the edges, or as Brennan Manning calls us “The Ragamuffins.”
So, to all my fellow ragamuffins, a bit torn, and tattered around the edges, seek the way of love, and like any other setting, when you speak beyond love, I believe, and have seen, you will return and amend it. This is real life folks.
November 13th, 2006 at 5:28 pm
One more thing Amy, and it bears repeating…
May God grant you and the hundreds and hundreds of others the grace to forgive the hundreds and hundreds of us leaders, who clearly blew it, are still blowing it, and will yet blow it in the future.
I assure this blog I have no intention of drawing any of you back to any Church building or set of leaders, including myself. My heart’s desire is to encourage, and point us to the ultimate of leaders, the Lord Jesus, who has never and will never abuse any of us.
To Him (not men) belongs all the glory, all the power, and all the dominion, forever and ever.
November 13th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
Hi Tom,
Laura Fouts (Leggett) here. Thank you for you for sharing the genuinely, heart wrenching eposides of your life.
I personally have not set foot in church for over a long time, maybe 2 years.
Yet everyday I have tried to recoup the years I lived like a hypocrite with my children. I love them, and accept them for who they are. In the past I trully loved them but was forcing them into a mold to look presentable to a church.
None of them are interested in God at this point.
Ryan who is now 23 said, When dad left, we divorced and he lived openly gay it destroyed everything in him that we had instilled. Ryan lives on the dark side. There is no light in his eyes.
David is David. He is not only phsically handicapped but autistic as well.
Erick has been using lots of drugs and drinking for years. He is now drug free for about 2 months. He back living at home and is coming around to his old loving funny self.
I live each day with a passion to be His hands extended to my family first. I did not do this in previous years. I put on a good show outwardly. There was conflict inside as to waht I say and what I knew in my spirit to be the truth.
I crave and love when I can get to together with the few true friends who also have a faith in God, have a glass of wine and talk of spirtual subjects.
The majority of my friends are pre-belivers, who I so love with all my heart. I don’t go “preaching” to anyone, just love on people.
Tom, I am utterly disappointed with church. I’ve seen the power struggles, positioning, underhandedness first hand. YUK, It truly makes me physically ill.
So very sorry sorry to hear of your great loss. I have a gut wrenching tug in my heart Erick is contemplating this also. I’m awakened in the night with a sense of urgency to pray for him.
I became something other then who God created me to be at BT & PBC. I really believed and learned this is what was expected of me as a believer. I beacame a zealous idiot. Lots of zeal and no brains.
It’s been a journey but finally I like who I am. I have opinions which previously I would never have spoken, I now freely do. I am learning not to live in fear of man. From my background to do and say things in the business world which I was a mouse before is truly liberating.
In closing. Tell Laura I said hello. I remember running into you and Laura a while back. The pain on your face was evident. Tragedy is the contraction that pushes us into a new realm.
Love You Guys,
Laura
November 13th, 2006 at 8:26 pm
Tom and Dave,
It’s so amazing to me that all that time that we were dependent upon all of “you” –the corporate you, PBC and BT leaders, that you felt the same way towards your leaders. It would never have crossed our minds that you would be experiencing the very same issues with those “in authority” as we did with all of you. And by that, I DON”T mean spiritual abuse–I don’t think either of you were abusive by any stretch of the imagination, other than by being part of a repressive system.
But that the same structure that was designed to make us dependent upon leaders, was making you as leaders dependent upon higher leaders. That Pastor Iverson was a “father” to you the way we were all looking for fathers ourselves.
So wild. I didn’t have a problem with PBC, other than the rules which got more ridiculous the more I grew up. I had a good experience there and in BT. BUT, I didn’t see behind the magic curtain and glittery streets either.
Joey and Jona!
Not sure you would remember me, but I’ve always respected you two! I taught with you guys in 3 yr olds my freshman year which was Jona’s freshman year too.
I was really glad to see that you’re attending a SG church. I went and visited CJ’s church in DC and it seemed one of the healthiest I’ve ever been to. I order their CD’s whenever I can, and the emphasis on the cross is refreshing.
KM
November 13th, 2006 at 10:24 pm
Hi Laura,
Yes, trajedy is the contraction that pushes us into a new realm, and everyone who has found their way to this blog, and remained here, working on and working through their Church trajedies, is a living testimony to that truth.
Thank you for sharing your pain with me. Words fail me, for adequately embracing your sorrows with penned words. My heart reaches across the chasm of cyberspace to tell you that only Jesus is sufficient for such pain, and I share in His compassion and tenderness for you.
You know, the irony of all of this is the greatest trajedy of all, namely, that the very thing Jesus entered this world to give us, in betrothing us to Himself, has been so submerged under a system that has robbed Him of us, and us of Him, at the hands of those who promised to enlighten us as to Him, and have had their own greatest joy stolen by their part in all this.
I assure you, not only the sheep and the undershepherds are burned out by this stuff. At the highest levels, across the land and around the world, the religious system, like a horde of alien germs, have entered the blood stream of leaders at the highest level and left them exhausted, scared, miserable, and depressed, yet doing their best to hide it from the flock, because they believe if they let on how screwed up they all are they will be to blame for unraveling the whole mess. Ted Haggard is our most recent example of the accuracy of my words, but he is not alone, and none of us have to look far to find others.
So how do we help our children find their way home to the true Jesus? Ultimately only God knows and can do this, but I think such things as apology, humility, honesty, and transparency go a long ways towards helping them. Our children can see through the garbage of religiosity, but though they see through it they struggle with seeing Jesus. In us, as we allow Him to purge these things from within, they just might see Him again, but I urge you to give yourself and them plenty of time for this. Their anger, their wounds, and their fear run deep, and no amount of pressure will help them process through this stuff quickly.
In a word, just love them; drugs, sex, alcohol, bad attitudes, and all. If they believe you still love Jesus, and you love them as they are, they will find it hard to resist His love within you. It may take 10, 20, 30 years, but we need to give them the time. Time ran out for Tyler, and while I’m not certain just where he was in his thoughts about Jesus, I know his heart was softening. I now serve an amazingly gracious Jesus, who takes us as we are, and my deepest suspicion is that Tyler is watching over me, praying for my healing from religious bigotry, and longing for me to see Jesus as He really is. No one can take this from me, and I believe Jesus regularly confirms it.
The last thing our kids need now, is for us to obscure their view of Jesus, by our self hatred. That too can be almost as effective a distraction as religious hypocrisy. Better that we love Jesus, love ourselves, and love them, and trust that this will have a powerful affect upon their life.
You have my prayers, and I’m certain your prayers have carried Laura and I through many dark days. Laura sends her greetings and her love.
Blessings…
Tom
November 13th, 2006 at 10:24 pm
Hi there and love all the wonderful letters to each other.
Could you be talking about CJ Mahoney’s church in DC that I am well aware of –
just curious.
November 13th, 2006 at 10:36 pm
KariMichelle,
So very true…
When the curtain lifted and revealed that the senior leaders at BT/CBC were after all “just men,” it really shocked me. They bought into a concept of leadership that taught them to hide their humanity behind a veil of scripted perfection, but they are just fallible men too.
My anger with them has been replaced with a deep and sincere sorrow for the game and system their humanity is buried beneath. Because Jesus is Truth, any of us functioning in pretentiousness or hypocrisy are experiencing a tremendous draining, and doing all we can to prop it up, rather than just drop in exhaustion at His feet and crying out - OH GOD HELP ME! At a subconscious level they know they’re living a lie, but they probably aren’t allowing themselves yet, to fully get in contact with such reality. God bless Ted Haggard, I can only hope he is there tonight.
God help us to not let their (my) failures hide the true Jesus any longer.
November 13th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
MakingaMark–Yes, we’re talking about CJ Mahaney/Josh Harris’ church and Sovereign Grace Ministries. Josh Harris was “one of ours” for a season, so it’s nice to see he made it out and into a healthier place. Oddly enough, it was Wendell who first introduced CJ to our circle, as I recall.
November 13th, 2006 at 11:10 pm
Laura,
Just a small follow up…
Laura and I are doing really well these days. Life is simple, we have a lovely Sheltie dog, a sweet small group of folks we gather with on Wednesday evenings, to pray, encourage, and share the simple things from the Word. We live in a beautiful country setting in a lovely home we had built for us here in Eagle Creek, and we too frequently enjoy ending our days with a glass of wine, sitting near our woodstove, and watching the same inane TV programs that everyone else watches.
You, and anyone else on this blog are welcome in our home, though I want everyone here to know that I’m not attempting to build anything like a Church here. Building Churches is a part of my history. Being the Church and encouraging the Church is my present and future.
My email address is tomlo7@yahoo.com and if you or anyone would like to visit and talk face to face I’d be happy to give you directions to our home.
November 14th, 2006 at 12:36 am
Tom,
I also knew Tyler well - we spent three years of high school together, and he was an amazing young man. We shared an intense rivalry of academics and musicianship that challenged us both to do better and learn more, as well as a friendship that was refreshingly free of any pretense or masks, as were so common in that environment.
I remember fondly some of the moments we shared during (and after) school - one particular incident with microwaved burritos in the TCHS cafeteria will remain forever implanted in my mind. I shan’t share any details at this point at the risk of self-incrimination, but on that day I nearly lost control over my bladder after witnessing Tyler’s exuberance and love for adventure.
After high school, I met up with him briefly at college. If I recall correctly, he had joined a fraternity on campus and we met several times to just “hang out” with friends. One night he made some really insightful comments to me about my ear for music that, in my opinion, have probably changed the kind of person that I am - for the better, no doubt. After that we drifted apart, and I regret not making the efforts to keep in contact with him.
It saddens me to hear of Tyler’s passing, and I don’t think there are any words of sorrow or regret that I can give, which others haven’t already expressed to you and Laura. What remains with us are the memories we carry forward with us, and as time colors our perceptions and ever-compresses our memories we must remember those which stand out most vividly and most profoundly. I am pleased to say that Tyler was one of the brightest washes of color that I remember from those days.
I’m an adult now - with a wonderful wife and twin toddlers bearing half my genes - and even though I had some tough times where I felt my own life was not worth continuing, I somehow found a way to carry on and turn things around. I wish I could have shared with Tyler something that I learned, to give back some of the richness of life that he shared with me.
P.S. - I’m pleased to read your recent postings regarding the Church and your opinions of what was going on. Of all the “elders” at BT/CBC, you were the one in whom I had the most respect, and I held out the most hope that you would see through the charade for what it truly was.
November 14th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Tom,
Thank you for responding.
I would love to see you folks. We live in Boring. We are neighbors. Thank you for the e-mail address. I have run into so many people who were in leadership at BT. The only one I do not care to see is Wendell Smith.
My husband Steve and I will contact you!
Once again Thank you! My heart is glad.
Laura
November 14th, 2006 at 11:18 am
Tom, I’m not from Portland, but reading your posts and viewing your openess and transparency and normalness may yet help restore my ‘faith’ in leadership, or God’s idea of what leadership is meant to be–just normal people who walk humbly, side by side, with people, rather than elevating themselves and holding themselves to that higher place by some warped idea of having to be an example. Your story has moved us to tears over here in Boise and it’s so kind of you to reach out to your fellow ‘ragamuffins’ and if we lived in Portland we’d come over for a visit!
How reassuring is THAT? It certainly takes the pressure off of us and gives us insight into the patient heart of Jesus himself. He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. yay!
November 14th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
Dear Tom,
I am sorry for bringing something negative to this discussion but I remain suspicious. You sound like the same know it all I dealt with at PBC. I think you have started a journey but I am amazed how your tone sounds the same as when you were teaching CBC doctrine.
Your letter reminded me of the time I was stuck in your office in a disagreement with you. You thought I should be removed from the college because I wouldn’t submit. We continued to disagree on a certain point. You then told me I had the spirit of a church splitter.
I also remember another time when you confidently told me I only wore my big belt buckle so as to draw the girls attention to my crotch. (Actually, that was probably right).
You sound to me like the same singer with a different tune. Now you have a new teaching but you sound the same. God help the people who believe different then you. I feel like I am being mean, but there it is.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
To J.B. Purl,
This is pure joy for me. I don’t remember you, and in one sense it is good that I don’t, because it affords me another opportunity to apologize to all the students and members of BT/CBC whom I undoubtedly mistreated, taught false doctrine to, was pompous, rude, insensitive, and unChristlike to.
You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I could round you all up into one place and tell you how sorry I am for the many stupid things I did and said.
You have not injured me in anything you have said here, and I have no intention of disagreeing with even one of your points. In fact, I’m absolutely positive that I am still, in waaaaay too many ways, the same man I was back then. I’m not proud of it, and I don’t want to be that same man, but I’ve come to know that change is a slow process, and wounds I’ve caused last a long long time.
Am I passionate about the things I now believe? Definitely! And have I been over zealous, bigoted, and unkind around those who disagree with me? Oh my gosh…way too much so…even recently, and obviously on this blog site. I have no difficulty admitting to this and at the same time wanting it to not be true of me. I’m the ragamuffin Brennan Manning refers to. I’m undone, incomplete, torn and ragged around the edges, and needing you and all believers on the planet to hold me accountable to the nature and image of Jesus.
If I were trying to build something here, on this earth, by way of a following, or a building, or a legacy, then I’d have to back you down, and try pulling some control freak sort of thing here, to regain my regal status before the eyes of all the watching bloggers, but I’m telling you my friend, I’m not trying to build anything, and right now the only thing I care about, in this very moment, is apologizing to you. The wounds I’ve caused you, and error I have and am still promoting, is something I’m not proud of, and am so sorry for.
If you are local I’d love to take you out for a coffee, and give you further opportunity to unburden your heart with the frustration of the pain I brougth to your life. I really mean it. You name the time and the place and I’d love to meet up with you.
I’m happy to fade away from this blog and keep perfectly silent, if my words end up being more hurtful than helpful. I don’t need a following and I don’t want to need to be needed any longer. I just want one thing, and that is to lift up Jesus, and wherever that is not true of me I want Him to remove that from my life, by whatever crosses He desires to appoint to me.
I will give much prayer to your exhortations, and allow others to hold me to account for the words I share here. You see, I no longer believe in, support, or teach accountability to hierarchical human leaders. My accountability, if it is valid at all, must be to every single believer on the face of the earth. I’m listening for the voice of Jesus, everyday, whether that is in the newest or the oldest believer. If Jesus wants me to be silent here I’m more than happy to do so, and if that’s what He is saying to me through you then the best thing I can do is step back.
Thank you again. I’m sure I needed your words.
November 14th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
Tom, you better not back away from the blog. Your opinion and thoughts is just as important as everyone elses. No more and no less. (I think that’s the point you’re trying to make, no?)
Most of us here are struggling with the same things, and trying daily to “die to self” so that we can truly see Jesus, accept God’s grace, and live a life as christ-like as possible. You’re no exception, and it would be a bummer if you didn’t feel comfortable to share your thoughts just because someone disagrees.
The problem with living on this planet with other people is that there are so many who disagree, and try as we might not to “offend” everyone… there’s always someone who will take something the wrong way, mis-interpret, over-analysis, etc…
Sometimes I think it’s better to just take people at their face-value and straight-on accept what they are saying as if it was truly what they believe. In your case, I believe you.
OK? Carry on, then.
:)
November 14th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Henri, thanks for your encouragement!
As strange as it may seem, I think Jesus was speaking to me through JB. If I hadn’t heard Jesus saying it to me many times I’d be more suspicious of it, but I have.
It always hurts when we realize how far we still have to go in our walk with Christ. I needed his exhortation and exposure. I will do my best to listen to Jesus’ voice, and share more from His heart than my impassioned mind.
God will guide all of us. This is a place, expletives and all, where raw, real, Jesus stuff is going on. If I can’t take it, then I best not be dishing it out.
Thanks again JB, and thanks to you too Henri. You are both good friends, and speak from Jesus’ heart to me.
November 14th, 2006 at 6:40 pm
It is like a healing balm to hear your stories and identify with your pain. I thought for so long that I was alone, with a bad attitude, being a bad Christian and that is why life was so hard. It has been a difficult, painful journey, but I am so thankful to know that my struggles were/are not unique nor have they been in vain. Laura, I love what you said, “Tragedy is the contraction that pushes us into a new realm.”
Thank you to each who have courageously shared their story. I hope for comfort for each of you.
sparrow355
November 14th, 2006 at 7:19 pm
Tom,
My wife and I are so sorry for your loss. Especially now that I’m a father of 3 boys. it’s heart wrenching reading your story.
I too like the other commentor on here was accused by you of wearing a belt buckle for the wrong reasons - I really was just wearing it to keep my pants up - I swear! I also wore cowboy boots and drove an evil 4X4.
I dont say this to criticize you, but to thank you for apologizing to me years later when you came back from Idaho. God began His good work in you and is continuing to change you for His glory.
I pray you and your family will have the peace that passes all understanding.
Scott
November 14th, 2006 at 8:39 pm
KariMichelle,
It’s driving me crazy! We are trying to figure out who you are but I don’t have a yearbook (I just never picked mine up). I have a name in mind but I’m not sure it’s you. We sure had lots of fun working with the 3 year olds though (Joey and I were engaged, even though nobody knew it at the time, and I think we actually liked it because we were allowed to spend time together during the 90 days of no dating!). I didn’t stay at PBC long since I knew I was well on my way to obtaining my “MRS” degree! My email is joeyjona@gmail.com if you feel like “sharing”.
November 14th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Hi Scott,
It’s funny how far and wide the story of that crazy night in the dorms went. My foolishness got a lot of mileage on that one. That was, let’s see, how many years ago? Maybe 20+ years? I’ll never forget all the cowboy boots and belt buckles that flew from the balcony that night.
Thanks for your graciousness to forgive me. It’s a haunting feeling, knowing how my immaturity and insensitivity affected so many young lives, during that season. God is good to heal.
We are finding that peace Scott. It’s amazing how the grace of God is sufficient for so many needs.
God bless!
November 15th, 2006 at 5:59 am
J.B. Purl said:
Still, that is a less offensive choice than spandex or a yardstick. So I can see some humility and sensitivity in your choice.
November 15th, 2006 at 9:27 am
I should probably stay away from the subject of JB’s comments to me, but for some reason I feel compelled to address it a bit further…perhaps at the risk of appearing pretentiously “humble,” if such a state of being could exist…
The reason I do, is because, as challening as his comments were he was the true voice of Jesus to my heart. It is a word all of us, who are making this transition, need to hear again and again. It is simply this: Jesus is certainly the author of this worldwide Church transition, but, and this is a very important “but,” His ways are not our ways. As JB indicted me, I tend to be overly impassioned, too pushy, often rude and insensitive, and thus project an arrogant or haughty spirit. It is certainly not in my heart to do so, but it simply reveals my need to take on Christ’s heart all the more. I’m not sure exactly how He wants me to communicate His heart about the transition that is taking place, or how to expose the errors of the IC, but I know that if I do it in the same manner as I used to promote the BT doctrines, then as JB challenged me, I’m going to end up being a noisy gong and a clanging symbol. Only the love of Jesus, working in and through our every communication, will avoid this tendency, and I don’t know about you, but I see a HUGE need in me for sooooo much more of His heart.
I don’t know whether JB will be able to forgive me right away. His pain extends toward me from over 20 years, so it may take him some time to release me from his animosity, but I will just pray about that. But, I soooo want to learn to communicate the heart of Jesus accurately in this season. I see improvement in this area in my life, but I also see much room for more improvement. It’s not a matter, for me, of believing I will be more loved by Jesus if I do this better, but if we hope to be His true messengers then our communications must stretch way beyond a cerebral communication, to the place of actually touching hearts.
If you will notice Jesus’ approach to the Pharisees, it was so unique. I tried to touch on this in my PBC classes, but it is very hard to explain. When folks attacked Jesus, or even asked Him questions, notice that He almost never answered the question they asked Him, but He always answered the question they should have been asking. Or, to say it another way, He never addressed the issues of their mental inquiries, but He always spoke to the truest needs of their hearts. This is why the Pharisees were never able to get Him tangled up in “I’m right, no, I’m right, no I’m right,” sorts of mental battles. He spoke far deeper than their minds, to the great needs of their hearts. If you or I were successful at getting Jesus to suddenly appear in the flesh, and spend an hour with us, I can almost totally assure you, if we were to ask Him our top 10 biggest questions, He wouldn’t directly answer any of them, but would speak to us about what we really needed to hear from Him, and it would blow us away with the sense of “I would never have thought to ask Him about that…” When we can become sensitive enough to His Spirit, to speak to humanity on that level, then we will enter into the “You shall do greater works than these…” ministry.
I confess to having a great need to draw nearer to His heart, and I deeply want to be a useful vessel in His hands to extend His kingdom purposes in the earth. I’m fairly certain I’m going to step back from this blog for a season…how long I don’t know, but for a season, because I need to know more of what Jesus was speaking to me through JB. Please don’t interpret this as defensiveness, or blame JB. I have some things to pray about.
You are welcome to email me directly, via my email tomlo7@yahoo.com, if there is something you’d like to discuss, but I feel a need to take a pause to reflect on the things I’m hearing Him say.
It’s been great to reconnect with many of you, and I will be watching on from the sidelines for a bit.
Peace…
November 15th, 2006 at 11:21 am
I’m sure the process could be expedited by returning his tithe.
Seriously, what biblical correlation is there between restitution and forgiveness? The tax collector didn’t just say “I’m sorry guys”, he returned what he took from people, several fold as I recall the scripture.
November 15th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
What’s all this “big belt buckle” talk?? Silly men, don’t you know all of us gals were looking for a guy with a big wallet?!? Duh!!
November 16th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
I know both Tom Sparks and David Mackin. Thank you for speaking out. It will help many others. God bless you both!
November 18th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
and you got one Jona…hahahahaha
(or at least one with a big house) ;-0
November 18th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
I always considered many of the elders at BT to be men of integrity… like Ken, Lanny, Larry Wade, Bill… So I wonder how come they can look the other way at many of the things that go on at CBC. People being mistreated in the name of God… you name it..
Remember back in the 1970s and 1980s… Dick would print dress codes in the bulletin for church….
November 18th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Lex Lucre said:
I think your point is actually well taken. There should be some form of restitution. Since I had no direct part in taking JB’s money, and have long ago left CBC, returning his money would require I hack into CBC’s bank account and I lack such skills. Perhaps Paul addresses the answer…
Romans 13:8 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9 The commandments, “Do not commit adultery,” “Do not murder,” “Do not steal,” “Do not covet,” and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
The beginnings of such love is the offer of a cup of coffee. I do hope JB takes me up on it.
November 18th, 2006 at 8:05 pm
You are welcome B.T. Beauty.
God bless you too!
November 18th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
living life said:
I would find it hard to speak for them, but as a former elder at BT, and a teacher at PBC, I remember the days of being asked certain “why do you guys require the stuff you do,” sort of questions, and I remember thinking to myself, “Self, you know how you want to answer this question but if you do, and it gets back to Dick, the trash will hit the fan, but I sure do hate having to support the party line to the disappointment of this one questioning it.” (Such things as the dress code are a perfect example. It just never made any sense to me that we dress up, “because if the president were visiting our congregation wouldn’t we want to dress up for him? How much more important is Jesus? ” But it made huge sense to Dick,…soooo…support his party line, be a team player, and be loyal and sound supportive even when you aren’t.)
We were taught that “loyalty” was one of the highest kingdom values. The second value, and very close to the first was “Be a team player, and being a team player means supporting the party line.”
Then, in some cases I actually believed the nonsense I put on the BT members, which I now recognize as nonsense. So why didn’t I recognize it then? I had to come to a place of following the light I was being given before I could receive more light. It’s amazing how when I began to do that, things which I once believed and practiced, suddenly were exposed for the error they were, and additional truth began to be given. Each of you have discovered this principle, or you wouldn’t be blogging as you are. You had to get away from the craziness, and then you began to look back and see how crazy it all really was, and then more light was given and you have continued to add to the light, which has continued to reveal the past craziness.
This is always the way it is. In all likelihood, each of us, right now, are being called to obey a truth the Lord has revealed, and we are thinking about obeying it but are afraid of what it will cost us, so we ponder it for a season.
Someone will say, “That feels like God is messing with us then…,” but I don’t think so. If the carpenter told his apprentice to put in place a 2×4 in the wall, but the apprentice would rather work on the roof, it is understandable that the carpenter would remind him “first the walls, then the roof.”
So it is with kingdom principles. If we are faithful with little, more will be given. If not, then what we have may well be taken away. In this case, the “taking away,” is represented by losing biblical wisdom and grace, and replacing them with rules, “drawing lines,” laws, standards, policies, and the agendas of man.
Repentance is always the beginning of restoration.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:28 pm
We can only dream …
Coffee sounds like a good start, Tom. As much as Starbucks charges, a cup or 2 and you’re well on your way to paying back his tithe.
November 19th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
I would like to post an article I just added to my own web site, not to promote myself, but to encourage the body, and yet avoid posting a overly long blog entry here.
If this violates the purpose of this blog then please let me know and I will avoid this in the future.
The article I wrote more fully discusses why Church leaders tend to do the hurtful things they do, in terms of it being carnality, and also addresses the dangerous aspects of carnality in all of our lives.
You can find it here: http://www.fpmin.com/spiritlifestudies.html
The article is entitled “Deliverance from Carnality,” not because it is the whole answer for this, but as one key component in our struggle with sin, and our struggles with those who have sinned against us in institutional settings.
Feel free to post your thoughts…
November 19th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
I have only recently been following this site. I have attended Rhema Fellowship/CLF for over 25 years and am relieved/saddened to see that what we have experienced with our leadership is party line. Mostly saddened that so many others have been hurt by the furthering of the “three fold ministry” i.e. Dick Iverson, Frank D. and Wendell Smith.
The scales recently fell off our elders eyes. I am eternally thankful.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:11 am
I read as far as I need to read. I understand. I went to a “bible school” of a prominent denomination for nine months and when financial needs forced it, I went back to my starting place, the US military and completed 21 years to retirement back in 2000. Since then, having lost a son to suicide for reasons I still don’t completely understand and then going through 22 months of insanity on the way to a divorce, I can sympathize with someone coming out of “religion” to find the pure grace and “agape’-love” that Jesus taught would be the evidence of his followers. I did.
To anyone who gets out of religion to find the only thing that will save this world from destruction, physical as well as spiritual, the perfect agape’-love that Jesus taught, they will find a lot of opposition from politics and religion, just like Jesus did. But to know you are eternally loved, and that God isn’t looking for ways to keep you away but rather he’s already made a clear, straight way to himself is the liberty to live in love rather than fear.
November 21st, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Mark,
Thanks for sharing a portion of your life story. I can definitely identify!
Tom