We have discussed this before, but today's New York Times takes another look at the Purity Ball. The Purity Ball is a dance for fathers and daughters to attend and pledge to remain pure. I have to say, while I understood the intent of the Ball, I still got a real uncomfortable feeling reading the article:
The girls, ages early grade school to college, had come with their fathers, stepfathers and future fathers-in-law last Friday night to the ninth annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball. The first two hours of the gala passed like any somewhat awkward night out with parents, the men doing nearly all the talking and the girls struggling to cut their chicken.
But after dessert, the 63 men stood and read aloud a covenant “before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity.”
I'm down with the covenant, I guess. But why do you need a Purity Ball to do this. Just be a good father; you don't need to get all creepy and take your daughter to a dance.
And then there is this:
Recent studies have suggested that close relationships between fathers and daughters can reduce the risk of early sexual activity among girls and teenage pregnancy. But studies have also shown that most teenagers who say they will remain abstinent, like those at the ball, end up having sex before marriage, and they are far less likely to use condoms than their peers.
The key is for fathers to maintain a good relationship with their children. That is the best way to protect your children from negative influences. The Purity Ball is just another event the makes Christians less able to relate to the rest of the world. And it doesn't add much in the way of actually helping your children. My guess is that this Purity Ball is more for the fathers than it is for the daughters. And that's a little sketchy.
Also, be sure to check out the pictures. How exactly does this promote the message of Christ?
Arrrgh. The reason a close relationship between a father and a daughter reduces the risk of early sexual activity is because it is a relationship that the girl has with a man that she trusts, that she respects and that provides non-sexual love from a man. It is not some spiritual covenant that is keeping her from having sex. It just means that she will probably end up respecting herself and won’t “sleep around” or make sex a shallow act. When she does have sex, even if outside of marriage, it just means she will probably choose a partner who respects and trusts her, treats her well and loves her — and that she also respects, trusts, loves, etc. Having healthy relationships with your parents just makes it easier to have healthy romantic relationships in the future.
p.s. And because she knows what non-sexual, unconditional love is like — she will be more likely to recognize it in her future partner/s and won’t have to navigate through complicated sexual politics. Sex, while very important, won’t be her main priority when she chooses a partner. Too many people are swayed by it and/or confuse it/substitute it for actual love/respect/friendship.
OK, I’m not down with the ‘covenant’ idea. Jesus tells us not to make an oath at all.(Matt.5:33-37) The reason why is explained in Romans 7.
I’m at a loss to figure out where and why ‘leaders’ come up with this stuff!
If one is a Christian, should one not be doing what Jesus said to do? (Luke 6:46)
With that said, I agree that fathers should be involved and showing love to their daughters, they are a role model.
What is this? The 18th century?
What the hell are they doing with that cross? Those pictures are classic…
I’m completely uncomfortable with Purity Balls. To me having an event like this would be humiliating.
I completely agree about role of father and mother in a young person’s life. Parents, family members, older siblings and friends need to be involved and set examples. But why do we need outward displays of ‘spirituality’? Outward spirituality is exactly why many people break these purity vows. It becomes a ritual. Some teens may not be very mature and participated because they were expected to.
They seem to ignore the fact there are about girls who have lost their virginity because they didn’t know any better and willingly had sex but repented and ‘born-again’ virgins. Or if they were sexually abused/raped. Sexual abuse is traumatic for young people and I can see that a Purity ball can be very awkward or uncomfortable for them. Or girls that don’t have a father in their lives. Wont these girls feel left out? Where’s the message of grace demonstrated in these balls?
For me, I believe we should wait till marriage for sex. Purity comes from recognition of grace of God in our lives not necessarily by what we do. But purity balls, NOPE. I’m not at all impressed. When I first heard of it, I thought “Oh great, another thing that non-Christians would make fun of us for.”
And there’s another purity ball for the guys where they go with their mothers. The guys sign a pledge of purity.
This type of “ceremony” reminds me of the kind of thing a Fundamentalist LDS Sect would do (minus the ballroom gowns) . . I think it is creepy!
This reminds me of my wedding back in 19…, well never mind. Anyway, my (step)dad wanted to give a speech at the wedding, and I said sure — not knowing what he wanted to say. Turns out his intention was to hand over “covering and authority” to my new husband.
At the time I was oblivious, but I guess all the relatives thought it was hilarious. After all, I was 21, had lived on my own since I was 15. Maybe he thought that since I was so strong-willed that maybe my new husband could handle me, since he could not.
Maybe it worked, since I’ve loved the man since that day in 19…
It’s still brings snickers at the family gatherings.
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That first picture of the cross is slightly blurred and I thought it was on fire.
I agree with most of what’s been said here, but I’d like to point something out. Many Christian parents are uninvolved in their kids’ lives and they do these religious ceremonies to somehow make up for that. They figure that going to church together and doing purity balls is just as effective as talking to your kids about their lives or what they think about sex, drugs, smoking, etc. I knew a lot of Christian kids when I was growing up who had terrible relationships with their parents in spite of all the church meetings, camps, revival meetings, etc. Religious pomp and ceremony can never replace a healthy relationship with your kid.
The part that bothers me the most was the quote that said teens who pledge abstinence are more likely to have unprotected sex. That’s just shows how deep these parents have their heads in the sand. If teens are made to understand things like how easy it is to cause a pregnancy or catch an STD, that would be enough for most kids to at least think twice before having sex, and hopefully take precautions if they do. We can always hold up a monogamous marriage as the ideal, but people rarely behave ideally.
Catalyst said:
The article said that the men did most of the talking so your assumption must be right.
kat said:
And with more make-up and better hair styles. But ya, creepy is the word.
FICM said:
That’s what I thought too at first glance.
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LOL Anna!
Calls to mind a Dr Phil question we could ask your husband “So how’s that working for you?”
On a more serious note, isn’t all this covering and authority stuff of purity balls a bit fear based? Let’s make sure the women don’t do anything out of the ordinary or rise up to be the creation God intended when he created us in the first place. But I digress from the topic which is ‘premarital sex brings about the end of the world’.
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Ahh come on “sleeping around” was fun. To me this all does seem a bit creepy. I mean I never really did have a great relationship with my dad but my mom warned me about men and “all they wanted”. But who is to say woman don’t like to have a few sleeping partners before they settle down? How would you ever know your husband was good in bed? Well I have to say I know mine is, because I tried out a few…. : )
It’s ironic that this nastiness is assigned to Christianity. This is a perversion of scripture. I’m fairly certain the biblical and pre-biblical authors would say “WTF?!” if they were aware this is how people would interpret translations of their writings. JC would be turning in his grave (so to speak).
I get a chuckle out of the straw-man argument in the Fundamentalist’s continual references to rampant sexuality in today’s culture. If you dig up any ancient settlement anywhere in the world for as far back as humans go, you’re going to find paintings of people in sexual practices, figurines with huge breasts and phalluses. as well as sexual statues, etc. If anything, modern culture is less sexual and has merely made the subject racy and taboo, clearly a forbidden fruit. Humans are social creatures that require intimacy, whether in a sexual context or not, for healthy development. Sexuality is and always will be an important component of our well-being. Enjoy it wisely and respond to your childrens’ questions about it in age appropriate steps. It’s human, it’s natural, it’s inevitable, it’s god-given, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun between aware consenting adults.
Having said all of that, I find this practice to be unbelievably creepy. Their strange justifications are camouflaged in religion and are uncomfortably close to the rantings of NAMBLA members and characters on To Catch a Predator. A father really should not be thinking this much about his daughter’s vagina. I’m not saying that these fathers are pedophiles (though I wouldn’t be surprised if a few truly are), but they are crossing some important emotional boundaries and are creating environments which are damaging to healthy adolescent development, let alone the strange issues created around sex
I whole heartedly admit that Dad’s are very important for adolescent girls’ understanding of themselves and their relationships. I also admit that sex, particularly for young women, comes with a lot of emotional baggage as well as physical dangers. However, these Purity Balls seem to go against the very concepts that make us human, or at least healthy functioning adults. Humans need to grow as separate individuals from their parents, which includes experiencing relationships and intimacy with other people. I feel very sorry for these girls. They will never be whole.