Here, with the help of a few friends (thank you Anna, Cat, Scrupe) is City Business Church's version of Twas The Night Before Christmas

TWAS THE SUNDAY BEFORE GUILTMAS 

Over the past six months, several readers have asked me to blog the film Jesus Camp. 

Jesus Camp is a documentary about a fundamentalist Evangelical children's camp in North Dakota.  The doc follows the lives of several families and their experience at Jesus Camp. Many of the children in the movie were also home-schooled, so it felt a little like watching a review of my life.

I thought the film was fine. I wasn't particularly entertained, because I lived Jesus Camp, so they weren't teaching me anything I didn't already know.  The movie is an accurate glimpse into the life of a fundamentalist Christian, and with one exception, the documentary is fairly balanced.

However, as I was watching the film, I kept wondering what these kids were going to think of the movie in 10 years. And one quote at the end of the film stood out. The leader of Jesus Camp, Becky Fischer, offers this opinion of the influence of her camp:

Some extreme liberals, they have to look at this and start shaking in their boots. The intensity you see of these kids, there's no doubt, they've got to be watching this and going "oh my goodness" I didn't know this was possible. What are these kids going to be like when they grow up?

As someone who was homeschooled in a Christian home, raised in a fundamentalist evangelical church, and went on field trips to protest outside of abortion clinics, well… I tend to think they might grow up to be just like me. 

A 29 year-old college graduate, living in Washington DC, working as a lobbyist, whose biggest concern at the moment is how far the Oregon Ducks are going to advance in the March Madness Tournament. 

You see, luckily, one thing I took from my childhood was the ability to think for myself, and 29 years later I have come to the conclusion that Evangelicals are more obsessed with their own power than with actually spreading the message of Christ.

So rest easy liberals, manipulation only lasts so long.

1. They are telling the truth.
2. They are lying.

About my sophomore year in college, I realized the key to getting a good grade on my papers was to include Bible references. This ran contrary to what everyone told me before I got to college. I was often reminded, "You are going to a secular school, Justin, they won't let you talk about God. They will mark you down if you profess to believe in Jesus."

This, of course, was ridiculous. My professors loved it when I incorporated Bible verses into my papers. So long as I didn't try to convert them and respected other people's beliefs, they thought it was great.

I discovered this in my Introduction to Shakespeare class. One of my kiss-up classmates had written a paper comparing Juliet Capulet (Romeo and Juliet) to Jesus Christ. The teacher loved the paper and had the kid read it out loud in front of the class. It was quite possibly the stupidest thing I had ever heard. But I was like, if it gets this kid an A, I'm going to try it myself. So, after reading Othello, I wrote a paper comparing Iago with Satan from the Bible. I took passages of Othello where Iago speaks and compared them to verses of the Bible describing Satan.

I got a B-. I was thrilled.

This is a long way of saying I am going to apply these same skills to the following blog post. I am going to compare the God of Malachi 2:3 to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Let's start with God: In Malachi 2:3 he claims, "I will corrupt your seed and spread dung on your faces." In Ezekiel 4:15, the Lord proclaims, "See, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung and thou shalt prepare thy bread thereon." 

The lesson here is when God faces someone he dislikes or wants to curse, he spreads poo on their face. Hmmm, now how would Triumph handle this situation.

Triumph would say something like, "Malachi, no no feel free to keep your money and your grain. Your store-house looks great…. FOR ME TO POOP ON!

I keed. I keed. No, no… you're doing great. Bring all your tithes into the store-house. I will open the windows of heaven and pour out a blessing. Your vines will be plentiful… ….FOR ME TO POOP ON! No, no no… I keed. I keed."

In conclusion, the God of Malachi 2:3 is not so different than Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Both use poo as a way of dealing with individuals for whom they dislike.

I think this blog has started to get a little “heavy”. I’d like to try and lighten things up by posting an old favorite. ILOVETRUTH, this is for you:

Tuesday, February 08, 2005
They Will Be Mocked

Disclaimer:The following post is 100% pure sarcasm and it contains absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. If sarcastic humor offends you, please stop reading now.

I have decided to make it a little easier for us all. Instead of spending hours in church learning the exact same thing week after week, I will now publish the 5 simple steps to receive blessings from God. (I may follow up with the book titled “5 Simples Steps to Receive Blessings from God”)

1. When your church begins to announce the offering start to pray for things that you need (want).
2. As you drop your tithe into the bucket say out loud “Lord in return for my gift I expect to receive _______” (fill in the blank with the things you need [want])
3. After dropping your tithe into the bucket take your hands and form a funnel* above your head. This way it will be easier for God to pour out his blessing on your life.
4. Once the blessing is confirmed immediately start your clap offering**.
5. Repeat

*Have you ever had someone ask you to make a funnel above your head to receive blessings from God? I have, but I don’t get it. Is God getting old? Does he have a case of the shakes? He really needs a funnel?

Here is how I see this going:
God: I will now pour out my blessings on Johnpaul
JP: Thanks God, I’ll help out by making a funnel with my hands.
God: Good idea son. Here we go. Whoops, looks like I poured a bit too much.
JP: Come on God, now I’ve got blessing all over my face; didn’t you see the funnel. Next time I’m asking for the Holy Ghost.

Is the funnel really necessary? I think I am going to take drift wood and spell the word BLESSING in case God happens to fly by my house. That way He will know exactly where to drop off that check for “millions maybe even billions of dollars”***.

**See Clap, clap, clap, clap from Feb 5th, 2005
***See The Jesus Sweepstakes from Feb 4th, 2005

This should have been in the top ten, I believe that it is by sheer oversight that it did not make it.

Enjoy:

Tuesday, January 04, 2005
City Bible Church vs.The Dreamcenter

Recently an ex-City Business member asked me, "Which do you think is better, City Bible Church or the Dreamcenter?"

Like a typical heathen I responded, "What the hell is the Dreamcenter? Is it a mattress store? Because if you’re looking for a good place to sleep, the City Bible pews are not the place; trust me I’ve been trying to sleep there for years."

But no, I was told, the Dreamcenter is not a mattress store, it is in fact a large Mega-Church in the heart of Los Angeles.

A church, huh. Immediately I was intrigued… A battle of the churches. Now that could be fun.

And in pondering this great mystery, I realized that here was a question only a blogger could answer. Thus, for this next post, I am going to compare the many similar aspects of CBC and the Dreamcenter, and then pronounce a winner. Should be fun.

Let’s break it down: Dr. Jack style.

Church Name:
The most important feature of a church is the name. And although I find the name "Dreamcenter" eerily similar to many amusement parks in California, I have to give the Barnetts credit for coming up with something unique. At least they didn’t jump on the "city" bandwagon. Note to churches, just putting the name "city" in your church name, doesn’t necessarily make you hip and cool. Edge: Dreamcenter

Play:
I was reviewing the Dreamcenter website and I noticed they recently staged a lavish Christmas production. I believe the play involved a group of overly happy "toy dolls" becoming sad because their friend "toy soldier" was sinning. This was followed by a dramatic confession by the soldier and a subsequent happy toy dance. A rather unoriginal production, if you ask me. And in fact, the only play that might be worse than a "Happy Toy Christmas Production" is a play in which the audience is reminded repeatedly they are going to straight to hell. A play, I am pretty sure Jesus would walk out of. Again… Edge: Dreamcenter

Pastoral Humor:
Due to the wonders of technology, I recently had the pleasure of listening to a sermon by Tommy Barnett. And I have to be honest, three minutes into his speech, I thought I had found the most unfunny person in the world. Honestly, Worst. Jokes. Ever. The only thing worse than tithing jokes, are jokes about how your wife is not subservient anymore. If City Bible Church is trapped in the 90’s, then the Dreamcenter is trapped in the 50’s. Someone has to introduce these mega-churches to the new millennium.Thus, while Frank Damazio is no Chris Rock, I’ve got to say, compared to Mr. Barnett he could perform Live at the Apollo.
Edge: City Bible

Church Message on Giving:
It is commonly understood that you can not be a megachurch unless you repeatedly hound your congregation for all their money. And, as we have discussed before, City Business is the absolute best at giving this message. As they should be, they’ve had 10 years of practice.However, in the interest of fairness, I listened to young Tommy to see what he had to offer.Well folks, he may be no Damazio 3:16, but this little soldier gave everything he had. He left it all on the court. He told his church that God would not perform a miracle in their life unless they gave as much money as possible. (Honestly, listen to the sermon).And so, right there staring at my computer, without even thinking, I stood up and gave little Tommy a standing ovation. It was no "putting a cap on God." But is was a phenomenal performance nonetheless.
Edge: City Bible (though this was a close one)

PROJECTED WINNER IN HEAD-TO-HEAD MATCHUP:
Did I also mention that the Dreamcenter has over 30,000 congregants, and their campus is a mere 20 minutes from where Linsdey Lohan lives? Hmmm, I guess I didn’t. Well, whatever…Winner: Dreamcenter

Here is another "Honorable Mention". This one is not funny, but was quite controversial at the time of it’s original writing. (It is kinda funny)

I have edited it down to the basics.

JESUS TODAY (in a post Measure 36 world)

John 8:1-11 (NIV) But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. [2] At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. [3] The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group [4] and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. [5] In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" [6] They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. [7] When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." [8] Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.[9] At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. [10] Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"[11] "No one, sir," she said."Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

I would like to translate this into a modern day story. Lets pretend that Jesus was here on earth living with us today and he was faced with another sexual sin.

But Jesus went to the Butte of Rocky. At dawn he appeared again in the former temple where all the people gathered around him, and He sat down to teach them. Then the pastors and elders brought to Him a man caught in homosexuality. They made him stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this man was caught in the act of homosexuality and would like to marry his sinful partner. Now Measure 36 has been designed to keep this man from redefining marriage.” “Will you vote yes on Measure 36?” They were using this question for political gain, in order to pass the measure.But Jesus bent down and started to write on the new and updated carpet. When they kept on questioning Him, He straightened up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him vote yes first.” And again He stooped down and wrote on the carpet. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the man still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked him, “Man, where are they? Has no one voted against you?” “No one, sir” he said. “Then neither do I vote against you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

It is important to note that when Jesus was confronted with this sinner, he did not condemn her, but he also did not condone the sin. He said "Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin." This is grace in its truest form. Here was a woman who was caught in a sinful and immoral act. According to the law she should have been stoned. Her death would have been justified, however Jesus bestowed His grace upon her life.

The problem that I see with today’s church is that they have flipped Christ’s example around. Jesus spent his time on earth rebuking the church and loving sinners. Today’s church spends it’s time rebuking sinners and loving itself…

Before we post the #1 blog of all time and wrap this blog up…we wanted to give you a couple of honorable mentions:

Over the next few days, I will put up some of my favorite posts that just didn’t quite make the Top Ten list.

Starting us off is AND NOW I HAVE A POST from Feb 3rd 2005.

AND NOW I HAVE A POST

My brother emailed me today trying to get me to post something. I responded saying I didn’t want this blog to feel like a job, and I was quite comfortable going a day without posting anything.To which he emailed back:

Where has the fire gone? This is no job, this is a mission, a call from God.The Lord would say to you this day,"For a time will come-a, when you will be faced with a great calling-a. Your burden will be heavy-a and time will be short-a. I will be your rock-a, I will create a hedge of protection around you-a. Step into the river-a, wade into the river-a, take off your clothes and do a cannonball into the river-a."

Thus sayeth the Lord.

This blog’s favorite sleuth, Henry Straforelli (or"Joe Hardy" as his close friends lovingly refer to him) recently discovered a violation within the Eternity Website.

Using clues he located from the donation section of Eternity’s Website, "Joe" was able to determine that Eternity used 2checkout to accept "donations" for their services. Unfortunately, this was in direct violation of 2checkout’s own payment policy which clearly stated that

"The following Products and Services CANNOT be sold: firearms, pornography or donations."

Joe quickly contacted his Brother in the Lord "Frank (Johnpaul Morton) Hardy", and they set out to solve the case of City Bible’s Missing Morals.

Thankfully, for us readers, it was a relatively easy case to solve. Frank and Joe both sent emails to 2checkout alerting them to the apparent violation, and 2checkout sent the boys back a case number: 3059-QWEY-5316.

This morning the Hardy Boys received an email proclaiming "Action will be taken." And now Eternity’s Donation site is down.

As City Bible’s Blogfather "Fenton Justin Morton Hardy", I would like to send my thanks to these two valiant amateur detectives. Thank you for keeping City Bible honest, and keeping our internet safe from unscruplous businessmen.

I work for a flooring/countertop store called Surface and recently we decided that the homosexual male was by far the best kind of customer we could have. The typical gay guy has both money and style; 2 key ingredients in a good customer.

Because of this we started thinking about advertising in Just Out magazine which is a local gay paper. Some of the people here felt a little conflicted about advertising there because they don’t approve of the lifestyle, but still have no problem working with gay customers.

The question was “Does this ad support gays and if so is it wrong?”

I skipped right over that question and jumped to a better one “What could our tag line be in the ad?”

These are the blog-appropriate ones that I came up with: (F.Y.I. - Our current slogan is THE LAYER BETWEEN HOUSE AND HOME. I think theres a good chance that might get changed)

AD Ideas for Just Out Magazine:

We help solve husband-husband quarrels.

At Surface there’s no He said He said Bullsh*t

Surface: The layer between house and Oh my God!

We dream about designing Brad Pitt’s house too.

Surface: When you’re ready to decorate more than the closet

Surface: Our first showroom was a closet.

Surface: Sassy, Sexy, and SUPER

All gaydar points to Surface (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Surface (Pronounced THURFATHE)

Will and Jack have nothing on David and Johnpaul