Okay, this blog is getting kind of heated. And in the interest of calming everyon down, I’m going to post something that has nothing to do with City Bible. I recently bought an Ipod shuffle, and while I love it. There are a few quirks. I posted my thoughts on craigslist.org, and they made the "best of" section. JP thought it was funny enough for the blog, so here we go.

My Ipod Shuffle thinks I’m Gay

Dear Ipod:

After spending a few weeks with you, I am beginng to fear you think I am a gay man. (of course, not that there’s anything wrong with that)

I recognize that there are several up tempo dance songs on my playlist, along with a few Madonna and Britney Spears tracks. However, I am curious why whenever I choose the shuffle mode, you select these songs and these songs only to play. I like Madonna, I do… I just don’t need 10 consecutive hours of her. And yes, the Pet Shop Boys are fun, but I don’t really want to hear "West End Girls" on a 30 minute loop.

The first time I thought it was just a coincidence, but lately I have been wondering if perhaps you think I spend my entire day singing and dancing like some flamboyant queen or like Ellen on that ridiculous American Express commercial. (Again, not there’s anything wrong with that)… ummmm, because I really don’t dance and sing that much, and sometimes just like to listen to a depressing song about suicide.

Anyway, if there is any chance you could include a little Wilco or Arcade Fire, next time you choose the mix, I would be very appreciative.

Sincerely,

-Your Listener

What amazing timing. Right when I’m posting CBC’s top ten list from "Who Burns First" they release an updated version for 2006. Good news for Samuel John Klein it looks like Catholics have dropped from the list and have been replaced by the dreaded Non-Tither (CBC’s most feared).

Here is the new list for 2006:

1. Irreverent Bloggers
2. Gay’s (w/aids)
3. Non-Tithers
4. The Poor
5. Aaron Tuck
6. People who drink alcohol in public places*
7. Pregnant Teens and their promiscuous partner.
8. Feminists
9. Those who voted NO on Measure 36
10. Democrats

*There is a slight loophole for drinkers. If you only drink on vacation, preferably while you are out of state, you will be exempt from burning. This rule does not apply to other area’s (i.e. – If you get pregnant out of state, you will still burn)

Here @ City Business Church it only takes one comment to make you a member of the family and so I am wondering if you wouldn’t mind helping me clear up a few things.

On Sunday I had a conversation with my mother about Christian prayer lingo. For those of you who don’t know my mom, I would describer her as a Moaner-Groaner with a touch of Quaker-Shaker. To say the least she knows how to make a scene in church. Her latest craze is 24 hour prayer and worship which she experienced on a recent trip to Kansas City. On her return she ran right out bought a new stereo system and filled it with cd’s from whatever church in Kansas City she was at. Her plan is to have praise and worship music piping through the house 24 hours a day; I’m not sure how that’s going to go over with the fam, but she’s gonna try it.

Anyway, my brother Jesse and his should-be fiancé Andrea were listening to the cd’s and they noticed that the person praying was asking for God to “turn hearts like channels of water”. This sparked our conversation in which we had to ask, what does it mean to “turn hearts like channels of water”?

Discussing this quickly led to “gap standing”, “bridge building”, and “hedges of protection”. And, let’s not forget about the “river”. You can wade, jump, step into, and drink from “the river” which appears to have something to do with “ocean’s of love”, but we’re not sure how they’re connected.

It seems to me that all to often people just go with the flow (apparently down the river), and rarely stop to ask the all important question: “WHAT???”.

I’m going to give that a try:

1.What is the “gap” and why are we standing in it?
2.How many “rivers” does it take to make “oceans of love”?
3.Is the “bridge” for crossing the “gap” or the “river”?
4.Are we really supposed to “drink” from the same “river” that we just jumped in?

After about 30 minutes of discussion with my mother here’s what I understand. The gap is the space between sin and righteousness (man and God). The bridge crosses that very gap; and no one knows where the river flows, but if you see it, be sure to jump in. I actually think it helps explain the Trinity. Jesus is the ultimate “gap stander” (her words, not mine), the Holy Spirit is in the “river”, and that leaves God to tend to the “hedges”. Which leads me to my next question:

How much protection does a hedge really offer?

Can you picture Satan gathering an army of demons, preparing for an attack on an unsuspecting Christian, when suddenly he hears:

Demon: “Um Lucifer, I think we’ve got a problem”.
Satan: “Yes Rage, what’s the matter”
Demon: “We couldn’t get him”
Satan: “What do you mean ‘you couldn’t get him’?”
Demon: “Well, Lust, Envy and I were right on his tale when suddenly… he ran across the bridge, jumped into this river, swam right past your gap, and then dove behind that hedge for protection.”

I have just finished reading the inspiring works of Damazio Franko (specifically Claves Efectivas para el Liderazgo de Éxito available through www.citychristianpublishing.com $13.00)

It’s amazing to me how the spirit works. I’m busy reading Effective Keys to Successful Leadership in Spanish and Catalyst is drinking Cervasez.

What fruit does this bear, you ask? Well, this has birthed a new blog: City Bible Watch Español.

We would like to invite all spanish speaking members of City Business Church to join us at

www.citybiblewatchespanol.blogspot.com

Hello City Bible English, say hi to City Bible Español.

"Hello CB Español."

"Hola CB English."

Thank you for your honest comments. I was recently pulled into a meeting with my church about this blog, they felt like it was un-Christ like (I think they are right) and that it would turn non-Christians away from God (I think they are wrong). So, it’s good to get your perspective.

The truth is that this blog isn’t really meant for people outside the church. I’m surprised that you even find it funny since so much of it revolves around “inside” jokes. None the less, I’m glad that you do. There are many great things about religion and many more about God. The problem is that we humans make mistakes. A lot of them. That’s where this blog comes into play.

I spent a lot of time in one church running around in a circle. God was nothing more than a celebrity we all claimed to be best friends with, but had really never met. Sure, we read lots of books about Him and we went to lots of meetings about Him, and even talked to Him before meals and bed, but 20 years later I realized that he wasn’t talking back. Maybe I just wasn’t listening I guess, but the point is I didn’t have a relationship with Him.

That’s when I left one church for another.

Now, I would like to believe that church should have little to do with your ability to have a relationship with God; and in some ways I think that’s true, but the fact is that when I changed churches I met Jesus. Really, it was the first time that someone actually explained Grace to me. It’s quite interesting how it all works. The first step is to screw up (done) and then the second step is usually to screw up again (also done again and again) and then comes the good part, salvation. After that your role is pretty much left to accepting forgiveness, every time you make a mistake. It’s really quite refreshing.

I used to think the goal was to stop making mistakes, which it is, but since no one will ever do that… well thank God for the grace of Jesus. There are so many Christians out there who think religion is all about being “better” than everyone else. They build themselves a platform to sit on and look around and say I’m better than you and you and you, well maybe not you…we’re tied, but I’m better than all of them. It’s as if they think God is going to grade on a curve and they only have to be better than most. If God were going to judge on any kind of curve we would all burn.

(Right now there are tons of CBC members yelling at their computers saying “That’s what you are doing to us. You think you are better than us. OHH HE MAKES ME SO MAD I WANT TO CUSS… that son of bitches.” Well, CBC, before you go asking for forgiveness for your foul language let me just say; in many ways you are right. It does look like I’m sitting on my pedestal judging you. But, I hope you can see that I’m really trying to judge myself and my behavior while at CBC and not you.)

So, I guess that brings me back to where I wanted to go with this before I started ranting:

Please do not judge Christ by this blog or by the people on this blog. We are terrible sinners and could never do God justice, but He is worth getting to know. And try to ignore Anonymous, he is a complete coward who’s issues stem from a hatred for his mother (probably).

I don’t know if any of this is interesting to you or not, but thanks again for your comments. It’s good to get your perspective.

By the way, I’m curious what you were looking for on Google when you found us? If you would like to respond without the annoying comments from Anonymous, you can email me @ mortonjp14@hotmail.com

To those who were offended by my last post I would like to say…

Great. Good for you. You should be offended. It is, after all, completely revolting. It disgusts me.

Yes, my story was irreverent. Yes, the thought of Jesus “Tithing on the cross” is distasteful, and yes to do it all on Easter is sickening. The line has completely been crossed…

and…

that’s why we blog.

You see, we truly believe that this is what many churches and Christians have done. They have taken what Christ sacrificed at the cross and traded it in for “the American Dream”. Instead of preaching on forgiveness, they teach that God will curse you if you don’t tithe. Instead of teaching grace they tell you to “Tithe for protection”.

It’s disturbing really. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the most important part of my walk with God. After all, without it I wouldn’t have a walk with God. Once you get past the gospel you have a religion that puts man in control and that’s pretty scary.

So what does the gospel mean to me?

Everything.

I believe that I am a sinful being, completely unworthy of salvation. I deserve to spend eternity in hell. When Jesus died on the cross, he took my sins and paid for them. I didn’t have to earn His love, and I don’t have to work to keep it. He showed me that no matter what I’ve done He still loves me. How comforting is that? To know that the creator of the universe is on my side. To know that He sacrificed His son so we could spend eternity together. That’s extremely comforting.

I used to try to earn God’s love. I wasn’t any good at it, but I would try anyways. I would look around the church and see all these other people that seemed much better at it than me. Look at that person pray, wow, God must really love them. Look at that one worship, God probably loves them more than anyone. If only I could learn some self control, then I would be on track to heaven…but then I learned that there is no track to heaven, no ladder to climb, no buying your way in. I learned that God’s love for me gets me in. It’s all I need. He sacrificed so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I just accept the fact that God is in control and try my best to live a life that honors Him.

So I’m glad you were offended,

now what are we going to do about it?

Recently I asked my son Aiden what Easter was all about. "Candy" was his reply.
I then realized that many people may not know the real Easter story. Lets pull out our City Business Church storybook and re-cap the story of Easter.

There once was a man named Jesus who came to save the world. He went around performing miracles: healing the sick, raising the dead, and turning water into wine. The elders of the local church became angry with Jesus because he called himself the Son of God but never tithed. The went to him and pleaded for his money.

"Don’t you know the scriptures?" they cried, "Malachi and the curse"? "If you truly were the Son of God you would be giving the temple a full 10%. Instead we find you at parties turning water into wine. No, the real King of the Jews would be a successful businessman. You are not the Christ; you are an imposter."

At this point they saw how he was hurting their image so they began to plot to kill him.

Later, they found him in prayer and said to him. "Jesus, we just went over the Member Tithing Report and saw that you haven’t given enough, because of this we must kill you."

They made Jesus carry a large cross in the shape of the letter "t" in order to symbolize Tithe. As he passed through the town the villagers mocked him yelling "Tithe or Die"; they spit on him and made fun of his cheap clothing.

When he reached the top of the hill they nailed him to the Tithe. As he sat upon the cross he cried out "Father forgive me, I haven’t given to the Faith Harvest Offering" and with that he breathed his last.

Three days later his disciples went to his tomb and saw that he had risen from the dead. Later he appeared to them and said "While you thought I had died, I really was in heaven tithing to the temple. And now know this: He that tithes shall gain all and he that doesn’t shall die. It is for this reason that my Father in heaven has sent me."

"I tithed so you might live"

From that day forward the tithe bucket was always full.

This is the reason for Easter. It is a time to remember the tithe. I pray that you all have been touched by this story and will now bring a tenth of all you own to CBC in celebration of the resurrection of the tithe.

May the curse of Malachi never be upon your household.

What, exactly, is a prayer tunnel? I get prayer and I get tunnel, but “prayer tunnel” just doesn’t quite work. Does the tunnel pray? Are they praying for the tunnel? Why aren’t there prayer bridges?

Let’s set the scene for those who have never experienced a “prayer tunnel”. Two rows of “Prayer Warriors” line up facing each other. Then both sides raise their hands in an arched manor in order to create a “tunnel”. And finally, people in need of prayer move through this “tunnel”. You might have seen something like this at a high school basketball game (without the prayer, of course).

I spent some time looking in the Bible and I can’t find any examples of prayer tunnels. (Although I think that when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and he walked out of the tomb, the disciples formed a “tunnel” for him to run out of, but this was mostly just a bunch of high fives and chest bumping.) So it appears this is just another gimmick used by the church to…. Actually……I really don’t know. What is the point???

Maybe it is supposed to be like going to the drive through at Wendy’s. Sure you could dine in, but sometimes you just want to eat on the road. “Welcome to City Business Church, would you like dine in or carry out prayer today? Please pull forward through the next tunnel.”

What kind of prayer goes on in these tunnels anyway?

“JC he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can”

“Here we go Jesus, here we go (clap, clap) Here we go Jesus, here we go (clap, clap)”

“J-E-SUS, Jesus, Jesus, He’s the best”

Disclaimer:
I believe in the power of both prayer and tunnels. I just don’t like the combination of them. Honestly now, all you who have been involved in a prayer tunnel recently, what is the point? Were you really effected or effective?

It might be fun though, the next time your pastor gets up to preach, if you all ran forward and created a prayer tunnel for him to run through before his sermon. Let him finish off by jumping through a WWJD banner. A quick chest bump with the worship leader and he is ready to go. “OK team, before I begin to preach today, I would like everyone to get in a huddle. All right, on 3…1,2,3, GO JESUS!”

This actually is a great idea, “Prayer Huddles”. Now….

“Break”

Disclaimer:
The following post is 100% pure sarcasm and it contains absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. If sarcastic humor offends you, please stop reading now.

I have decided to make it a little easier for us all. Instead of spending hours in church learning the exact same thing week after week, I will now publish the 5 simple steps to receive blessings from God. (I may follow up with the book titled “5 Simples Steps to Receive Blessings from God”)

1. When your church begins to announce the offering start to pray for things that you need (want).
2. As you drop your tithe into the bucket say out loud “Lord in return for my gift I expect to receive _______” (fill in the blank with the things you need [want])
3. After dropping your tithe into the bucket take your hands and form a funnel* above your head. This way it will be easier for God to pour out his blessing on your life.
4. Once the blessing is confirmed immediately start your clap offering.
5. Repeat

*Have you ever had someone ask you to make a funnel above your head to receive blessings from God? I have, but I don’t get it. Is God getting old? Does he have a case of the shakes? He really needs a funnel? Here is how I see this going:

God: I will now pour out my blessings on Johnpaul
JP: Thanks God, I’ll help out by making a funnel with my hands.
God: Good idea son. Here we go. Whoops, looks like I poured a bit too much.
JP: Come on God, now I’ve got blessing all over my leg; didn’t you see the funnel. Next time I’m asking for the Holy Ghost.

Is the funnel really necessary? I think I am going to take drift wood and spell the word BLESSING in case God happens to fly by my house. That way He will know exactly where to drop off that check for “millions maybe even billions of dollars”.

Quick question, what do you get for a clap offering?

Suppose you are very generous and stop several times a day and give God a clap offering, how much blessing does that earn you? Suppose your first 10 claps at the end of a great play are given to God and the remaining 90 go to the actors, does that count as tithe? If so how many claps does it take to earn $1 worth of blessing? Are there special Clap Harvest offerings or how about Acts 2 clapping?

These are the questions we need to answers to. I think I’ll start a Clapping Cell Group.