Category Archives: How I Roll

Who are God’s Anointed?

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This is a question that comes up a lot on this blog.  And I thought it might be helpful if we as a blogging community determined which people in the world are, in fact, God's Anointed, (aka those whom we cannot harm) and which people are not God's annointed. I'm going to start with my list, but please feel free to include your own "list of anointed" in the comments below.

The following is a list of people who are NOT God's Anointed

  1. Justin Morton (No explanation needed. This also extends to my immediate family.)
  2. Joel Osteen (He's overexposed. Even God's tired of seeing him on TV)
  3. Ke$ha (Her songs all sound the same.)
  4. Frank Damazio (This also includes any pastor afilliated with MFI)
  5. Judah Smith (Does anyone know if Judah Smith has had sex yet? I haven't heard him mention it in a couple days.)
  6. Barack Obama (He's Muhammad's Anointed.)
  7. Lebron James (May you lose every game next year.)
  8. Ben Bernanke (God's 401K has lost a lot of money.)
  9. Sarah Palin (There's an intelligence test required to be God's annointed. She didn't pass.)

And here is a list of people who I believe ARE God's Annointed

  1. Billy Graham (Genuinely Christ-like)
  2. Snooki (God loves The Poof)
  3. Carrie Underwood (God likes country music, what can I say)
  4. Will Ferrill (He was out with Semi-Pro. But God re-annointed him after watching The Other Guys. It's a solid film)
  5. Rick Warren (God really likes A Purpose Driven Life)
  6. Tenley from The Bachelor Pad (God also really likes this show. Who knew He was so into Reality TV?)
  7. Warren Buffet (God has stock options in Berkshire Hathaway)

Updated 8/27: 
I realize that I don't have any "people of color" on the list of God's Anointed. Unless of course, you count Snooki. But I'm not sure Snooki is even human. (I think she's an angel who fell from heaven.) So, I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a black person that I could include on this list, and then one of the commenters mentioned a name, and I thought, "Of course." So here is the next individual on the list of God's Anointed – #8 Jesus Christ (Yes, Jesus was a black man. Read your history folks.)  

How to Protect Your Children from Atheists

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Included in the link below is a helpful pamphlet I stumbled across that teaches young children how to avoid Atheists.

What Should You Do If You Find An Atheist in Your Neighborhood

The pamphlet advises children to:

"TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY & AVOID TALKING TO THEM"

The pamphlet also includes this gem of a description:

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God's Word.

Coincidentally, this happens to be an apt description of my brother Jesse, who, as you likely guessed, is a devout atheist.

As such, I will be mailing this pamphlet to my sweet nephews and neice, along with a picture of angry uncle Jesse, so they can learn to avoid him and let the adults handle his (usually drunken) antics.

So, I actually went to church yesterday.

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I went to church yesterday; for the first time in a couple years I think. It was a small church outside Boise, Idaho called Center Point.

It was nice. They meet in a high school gym. About 100 people attend. The service only lasted an hour. (I'm a big believer in Less is More.) The folks were friendly and unpretentious. Most people wore shorts or jeans. The woman sitting next to me was still in her pajamas. The worship service was traditional. It was basically a soft-rock band singing soft-rock Christian songs. I haven't been to church regularly in years, so I didn't recognize any of the songs. And yet, I still knew every song, if you know what I mean. The sermon was traditional. I don't really remember what the speaker said, but I do remember he made a very funny joke about smoking a crack pipe.  They passed the bucket, but it was short and sweet. No long guilt trip about giving. They had new people raise their hand. Which I had to do, because there's only a 100 people and it would have been more awkward if I didn't raise my hand. After receiving the visitors card, I made a small joke to my friend about how I was going to fill it out and ask for drug & alcohol counseling. My friend didn't laugh. Which, you know. Typical. All in all, it was quite nice. It felt formulaic, but the people felt real. No one was trying to impress anyone with their lavish lifestyle or impress the pastor with their super dedication to church.

I honestly can't remember the last time I attended church. It's been at least two years. And while this one time didn't change my mind, I did kind of understand the attraction. There is definitely a sense of community in church, that you don't get sitting at home watching reruns of Jersey Shore on a Sunday Morning. I won't be going back to church anytime soon, but hopefully I don't wait two years. It's not all bad.