• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

• Frank Damazio doesn’t preach, he simply speaks until someone tithes.
• Frank Damazio once got tithe from a turnip.
• Frank Damazio once gave a message on tithing that was so moving, God tithed to Frank Damazio.
• The second dome of CBC is smaller than the first one, because Frank Damazio tithed on it.
• Frank Damazio tithed on his luxury SUV by having its suspension lowered.
• Frank Damazio was actually about 6" taller in college but then he tithed himself.
• Frank Damazio no longer uses the word "Sunday". It is now "Titheday".
• February originally had 31 days until Frank Damazio tithed on it.
• Frank Damazio can solve any math problem by subtracting 10%.
• When Frank Damazio goes bowling, he only uses nine pins.
• People are only capable of flying on cloud nine, because Frank Damazio tithed the tenth cloud.

Congratulations Locutus you are today’s big winner. I still laugh every time I read that.

I was surfing the world wide web today and I came across this gem: CBC is putting out a magazine (only Tithe knows why) called In Community. Now, I have to admit they have a great marketing plan. On the cover in big bold letters it says “Find out why Pastor Frank is all revved up”. I’m hooked.

Why is Pastor Frank Damazio of City Bible Church in Portland, OR getting all revved up? I can only assume that the latest Member Tithing Report came out and that the numbers are up, but then I thought…what if the leaders just gave in and approved getting the helicopter he’s wanted so badly? That sure would get my engine going.

But what if he’s revved up because he’s angry? Maybe he saw our City Business’ Logo and thought “What the Tithe?, that looks similar to our logo. Why don’t we have that thing Trademarked yet?”

Or even better, perhaps he just read the lyrics to Frankie the Titheman.

“Clinkety clink clink Clinkety clink clink Look at Frankie go

Clinkety clink clink Clinkety clink clink into the bucket it goes”

While I am dying to find out what it is, I guess I’ll just have to wait like everyone else.In the mean time, lets have a contest: It’s the WHY IS PASTOR FRANK REVVED UP contest. I’d like you, the reader, to take a stab at why Frank Damazio is so hyped. There won’t be a prize handed out (I’m saving our money to fight the impending lawsuit), but there will be the satisfaction of knowing that you guessed WHY PASTOR FRANK WAS SO REVVED UP?

PASTOR FRANK DAMAZIO IS SO REVVED UP BECAUSE:

I copied this from CBC’s bulletin last week. It was written by Pastor Frank and I have done nothing to change it.

TODAY’S THOUGHT

Starbucks has become one of the world’s best retailers of the
$3 cup of coffee. Many of us make our morning pilgrimage to
this Temple of Java. Having spent our $3 to be awakened by the
aroma of the caffeinated black stuff, we’re not appalled that
we just spent that much for a cup of hot liquid - we’re actually
grateful that it’s a part of our life.
The Starbucks culture has become a significant part of the
relational infrastructure of our society. Meeting friends,
hanging out, spending time with people oftentimes involves,
“let’s grab a cup of coffee.”
The fact that coffee and relationships have joined forces in
modern day America is perhaps not so coincidental. Starbucks
has positioned itself as a Creator of Community.
When we look at Acts 2 we recognize that God intended that
His spiritual family would be the Creator of authentic and true
Community. God’s interested not just in what we get done – but
in how we build up the people around us. Perhaps that’s why
Jesus reported to the Pharisees that the second commandment
was as important as the first – love your neighbor.
Take some time this week to read Mark 2:1-12 and explore how
four friends intentionally built community.

This “Thought” pretty well sums up all of Pastor Hank’s sermons. He spends the first 2/3rds rambling about his own personal thoughts, the last 1/3rd telling you what he thinks the Bible says, and the final 1/8th (he always goes over) giving you a scripture to look up on your own.

Now, if your church was call City Damazio Church or Frank Temple, then it would be appropriate to follow such a pattern. However, when you call yourself City Bible Church, you certainly mislead your members.

City Bible Church you are a fraud and I demand that you now change your name to “City Not-so-much-of-the Bible Church”

…Am I missing something? Does the Bible say to “Honor thy Father and thy Coffee Bean”? Can “Barista” be translated to “Elder”? Was Jesus’ first miracle turning water into a caramel macchiato? Is heaven really a Low Fat, Extra Hot, Hazelnut Latte? Does Frank actually own stock in Starbucks?

Now that I’m thinking about it, in the last 6 months I’ve heard 2 sermons that revolve around Starbucks… and when you read the profiles of the Generation Unleashed leaders they list their favorite coffee drink? Is that being “relevant” or are they a little obsessed?

You know, all this time I’ve thought I was upset with CBC for their teaching (or lack there of), but now I realize what it really is:

I’m a Coffee People kind of guy.

For those of you who were concerned about having to spend this Christmas @ church, I have good news: CBC has decided to cancel church (read: close business) for the weekend of December 24th and 25th. Apparently they decided that business would be slow that weekend and so it would be best not to bother.

Ok, so maybe they aren’t into celebrating birthdays, right? Except, it wasn’t that long ago that I remember being stuck in a rather long service celebrating the birth of Frank. This thought led me to believe that while Jesus is the reason for the season…He isn’t the reason for CBC.

And now we sing…

The first Christmas song of the year:

WE WISH YOU A MERRY FRANKMAS
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

a Lasit we bringto you and Louman
a Lasit for Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

Thank you all for sending in your nominations for posts of the year, we are excited to see who will come out on top this year. So far we have received 15,277 votes. Keep them coming, and remember you can text your vote to us by sending the message TITHE plus the name of the post to 4265 (HANK).

While we wait for the final tally, I am going to post an old blog that I wrote awhile back, but didn’t quite make the cut. Remember our motto “If it makes fun of Hank, print it.”

Looks like PF wrote a new book titled Biblical Principles for Releasing Financial Provision
The promo reads like this:

Learn how to obtain the favor of God and receive financial
provision in your personal and business world with
Biblical Principles for Releasing Financial Provision, a new
release by Frank Damazio & Rich Brott. Now available in
the bookstore.

“Learn how to obtain the favor of God…”
Now I haven’t read this book yet, but I’m pretty sure it should go like this:

Chapter 1 – Ask forgiveness for your sins
Chapter 2 – Accept salvation

It’s not a long book, but it’s power packed.

There is a chance however, it might go like this:

Chapter 1 – Take over a large successful church
Chapter 2 – Co-write a book titled Biblical Principles for Releasing Financial Provision
Chapter 3 – Wait for checks to come rolling in.

Not quite as life changing, but at least it should be a quick read.

If you think this should be nominated for Post of the Year, send an email with the header “Faithful Giver” to mortonjp14@hotmail.com. God Bless.

Johnpaul (RP) called me today, and informed me that I have not been pulling my weight on the blog. This sounded a little odd, coming from a guy who’s dedication to the blog is in direct proportion to his wife’s mood. When JP’s wife is happy, I get long phone calls discussing all the things we should write on the blog. When she’s not happy, I get short phone calls from JP, who is usually in his backyard whispering into the phone.

Nevertheless, I haven’t written that much lately. So, I sat down to listen to Mr. Damazio’s latest sermon. Entitled: Growth - There’s More.

I guess Mr. Damazio will be spending the next two months talking about personal growth. There’s not a chance in hell I’m listening to all these sermons, but I figure to make JP happy, I can listen to at least one and then blog my thoughts.

Due to some technical glitch, there was only 11 minutes of the sermon available online. I was thrilled. Eleven minutes is definately possible. This I can do.

(Note to future pastors. I’m pretty sure eleven minutes is the attention span of the average parishoner. If you want people to remember your speech, keep it short.)

Frank starts the sermon talking about growth. He then throws in this odd example of how a mother shouldn’t nurse her child, if the child is a teenager. And then mentions that its even odd for a mother to nurse a child when the child is four years old.

I have no idea what this has to do with the rest of Frank’s sermon, but it reminded me that my mother nursed our brother Joel until he was four. And yes it was weird. It also reminded me that recently when our brother Joel was describing his new girlfriend, he said "She’s Mom." To which, JP, who is admittedly not a hipster, asks "What does that mean?" (thinking maybe its some new slang for "hot chick") Joel replies "No, she’s just like our Mom. I love our mom, and she’s just like her." hmmmm…

The lesson here, mothers. If you want your son to develop some weird obsession into his 20’s, nurse him until he’s four…. ….I recognize this has nothing to do with the sermon, but I thought I’d throw in a little family history.

In setting up the sermon, Pastor Frank asked four questions. I’m sure there was more to the sermon, but luckily for me, it cut out after that. So this is all I have to go on. Anyway, I’m going to list the four questions and then my own anwers.

Am I becoming the person God wants me to be?

Actually, yes I am. I’m not perfect, and I certainly have my faults. But I try to put others first. I try to share Christ’s grace and compassion with every one I meet. So, yeah, I think I’m on the right track.

Is your prayer life any different now than it was five years ago?

I probably prayed more five years ago then I do now. I haven’t noticed a difference in my life, due to the lack of prayer. But I’ll keep you posted if something comes up.

Is your response to authority any different now than it was when you were first saved?

I was saved at three years of age. And according to my mother, I didn’t like authority back then. Well, I don’t really like authority now, either. So, I’m gonna have to say my response to authority is probably the same.

Are you being the husband that you should be?

Thankfully, I’m not married. So, I don’t have to worry about being a good husband, praise the Lord.

So that’s what I got out of the sermon. Yes, I realize this post is a lot more about me, than about Frank’s sermon. But whatever…

…your turn JP.

Hank 2:18-22 (JPV)

Then the American’s demanded of him, "What miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?"

Jesus answered them, "Destroy this business, and I will raise it again in three days."

The Americans replied, "It has taken 7 chapters to build this business, and you are going to raise it in three days?" But the business he had spoken of was selling the rights to worship God in church.After he started Christian Copyright Co. (C.C.C.), his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed Fortune 500 magazine’s prediction of Jesus’ top 100 ranking.

Now there was a man of named Benedict. He came to Jesus at night and said, "Banker, we know you are a entrepreneur who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him."

In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the business of God unless he tithes every week. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but tithe gives birth to great wealth. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must tithe.’ The stock market blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Jesus taught his apprentice’s saying:

"For God so loved the wealth of the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever tithes to him shall not perish but have eternal life. [17] For God did not send his Son into the world to be a middle class employee, but to save the world from wearing K-mart clothing and from being seen driving a Ford Focus. [18] Whoever tithes (regularly) is not condemned, but whoever does not tithe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the LAW of God’s one and only Son.

A special thanks to “Anonymous” for going to the conference and sending us this email. If anyone else has anything to add please send it to me. I would even be willing to post a “Breakthrough” if anyone wants to email me.

One would wonder, why did Tommy Tenney, at the NW Breakthrough Conference (formerly Intercessor’s Conf) keep referring to PF as Pastor Hank? Was it a joke, that I missed somewhere, or was there another reason???
Just Wondering!
Please withhold Name

Looks like PF isn’t quite as famous as some might have thought. Then again, Tommy Tenney may just be a fan of this blog.

Pastor Hank, that’s classic.