This website is a parody of City Bible Church. We are not owned or operated by Frank Damazio or affiliated with City Bible Church. Please do not send us your tithe.
It is not by grace that one enters the kingdom of heaven, but by tithing.

- Damazio 3:16


Archive for the 'Seasonal' Category

What’s Wrong With Church?

Posted on April 10th, 2009 by The Reformer into the Seasonal category

I am currently involved in a Los Angeles church plant.  We are having our second annual Easter celebration this weekend and I've found it quite easy to invite people to this event.  People I would never expect are actually interested in going to a church gathering because of Easter.  So this got me thinking:

 - Why is it that people find it acceptable to go to church on Christmas and Easter, but not on a regular basis?

 - Would more people be open to God if the stigmas associated with "church" and "Christians" did not exist?  Where do all those stigmas come from anyway?

 - I wonder what would happen if churches spent less time focusing on money, position, programs and numbers, and more time on reaching out to people, letting them be whoever they want to be?

 - Have Christians been more of the problem rather then the solution?

 - What are the top things that keep people away from church and ultimately God?

Hmmmm, any thoughts? 

Twas The Sunday Before Guiltmas (CBC version)

Posted on December 26th, 2008 by Reformed Pope into the Songs that mock, Favorites, Seasonal category

Here, with the help of a few friends (thank you Anna, Cat, Scrupe) is City Business Church's version of Twas The Night Before Christmas

TWAS THE SUNDAY BEFORE GUILTMAS 

Twas the Sunday before guiltmas, and all through the domes
Not an intern was stirring, nor people calling the phones…
The tithe envelopes were hung in the pews with great care,
In hopes that St. Malachi soon would be there;

And tithers were nestled; all smug in their pride,
While visions of Beemers danced in their minds;
And Doug in her ‘kerchief, and Frank in his cap,
Had just put together a faith harvest trap,

When out on the butte there arose such a clatter,
Frank sprang from the desk to see what was the matter
Away to the coffers Frank flew in a flash
Tore open the vault and counted his cash

The moon on the boob and the new-fallen snow
gave fear of no tithers for Pastor Damazio
when, what to his wandering eyes should appear,
with a passion that rivaled his hatred for queers

A little check-writer, so wealthy & wise,
He knew in a moment it must be Malachi.
More rapid than eagles, his curses they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now Frankie! Now Dougi!
Now, Marcie and Tim!
On, Wendall! On, Judah!
On, Donna and Asim!
To the top of the dome!
To the top of the butte wall!
Give cash away! Cash away!
Give cash away all!”

But not to the homeless, the poor, those in need,
instead to the pastors all caught up in greed
so up to the butte-top the curses they flew,
with a dome full of guilt trips, and St. Malachi too.
 

And then, in a twinkling, Frank heard on the roof
the sound of St. Jesus with a tiny young Poof.
As Christ, full off love, drew the boy to His side,
he hugged the young Gay ,made the poor child cry
 

He was dressed all in rags, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Jesus said to the boy “I love you like a father”
which angered ole Frankie, he became very bothered

How dare Jesus come and interrupt all this giving
The snow He has sent has ruined Frank's living.
And how can he love this young sinner boy,
And treat him as equal and bring him such joy 

When Frank is the one with a Simulcast Service
Christ’s example of Grace is making him nervous
Frank needs to have Starbucks, he needs a quick fix
he's afraid next he’ll hear Jesus loves Dixie Chicks. 

How can St. Malachi’s Curse be all over,
When Frank needs the Tithe to pay for a Land Rover
Young boys and young girls there’s truth in this story
Poor Frank was a mess when faced with Christ’s Glory 

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Savior,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my behavior.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. 
 

He took the ole’ Law and all Ten Percent,
and covered them with Grace, so magnificent.
And laying His life on the side of the cross,
he freed us from curses and took all our loss 
  

Then He sprang to the heavens, to His angels gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he rose out of sight,
 

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Prosperity Version)

Posted on December 24th, 2008 by catalyst into the Seasonal category

Here's a fun blog post about Christmas:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through God’s house

Not a person was stirring, not even a mouse;

The wallets were hung by the pulpit with care,

In hopes that St. Pimp soon would be there;

Click here for the rest.

FOOLISHNESS OF THE CROSS FOR EASTER

Posted on March 18th, 2008 by joebib into the Seasonal, joebib writes category

I was interested in this article from yesterday's The Christian Post, and I must say I agree with the majority of it. The "foolishness of the Cross" refers to Paul's statement in 1 Corinthians 1:17-25 regarding what our emphasis is to be in presenting the Good News of Jesus to the world.

I can't remember the last time I was in an IC that didn't preach a seeker-friendly, purpose-driven, watered-down, I'm-OK-You're-OK "gospel." 

Conversely, neither can I recall the last time I heard a sermon on the Cross, on Hell, or on the sinfulness and depravity of man, holy living, coming Judgment, man's need to repent, or even self-sacrifice — unless it was sacrifice in regard to the giving of money to that particular IC. 

Don't get me wrong…I'm not saying every sermon has to be on the aspect of all this gloomy stuff, as my flesh doesn't enjoy it any more than the next person does.  I, too, prefer to hear about all the good stuff, the blessings, benefits and rewards of serving Jesus.

But as I have sat week after week in various LCs over the years, I've noticed their slow and subtle movement toward preaching only that which offends no one, but instead strokes the hearers…

3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires; 

4 and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths. (2 Timothy 4:3-4, NASB)

I am reminded that the one Person who spoke more on accountability, punishment, and Hell than anyone else in the Scriptures was none other than the lowly, love-filled Jesus. In fact, according to scholars who pay attention to these things, preaching on Hell was Jesus' #1 favorite subject. Surprised

Apparently to Him, warning others of impending judgment constituted the highest manifestation of love for mankind.

Here are the high points of the article:

Many Christians will arrive at Easter this year celebrating only half of what the holiest day in the Christian calendar signifies. "

Easter Sunday is not only a most appropriate occasion for celebration, but it also serves as a yearly sobering reminder of a topic that many people work hard to avoid – the harsh reality of death," said C.J. Mahaney, president of Sovereign Grace Ministries. 

Mahaney was speaking to hundreds in Orlando, Fla., this past weekend at Ligonier Ministries' annual national conference, which concluded Saturday. 

Death is a topic most people like to distance themselves from, Mahaney told the crowd on Friday, including during the Easter celebration. On Easter Sunday, when churches expect fuller pews and higher attendance numbers than usual, people expect to hear messages that are cheerful in tone. 

But that's not what Easter is only about. 

"If we don't understand the harsh reality or theological significance of death, we will never truly celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ," Mahaney stressed. 

Just ahead of the start of Holy Week, which marks the last week of the earthly life of Jesus and is considered the most important week of the year for believers, speakers at the Orlando conference spent three days expounding on Scripture passages that spoke of the cross and resurrection of Jesus. 

Bluntly stated, the cross is bloody, it's an offensive message and it's a shameful death in the ears of the world, said Steven J. Lawson, senior pastor of Christ Fellowship Baptist Church in Mobile, Ala., during the Ligonier conference. 

The word of the cross is foolishness. In other words, it's nonsense, pointless, idiotic, and mindless. "That is what the cross is to the natural man," Lawson noted. 

Even though foolishness to many, a straightforward delivery of the message of the cross and the crucifixion of Jesus is power to those being saved, and it is desperately needed in the church today, he added. 

"It is a distasteful announcement that the herald brings and yet, he is responsible to God to discharge his duty to bring the entirety of the message," Lawson said, noting that heralds are marked by the straightforward delivery of the message regardless of what the results may be. 

"We need heralds. We need to come back to the foolishness of preaching," he emphasized to hundreds as he denounced modern trends of replacing theology with theatrics and expository preaching with entertainment. 

Ligonier Ministries president and founder R.C. Sproul believes many churches are following modern trends and that the church has failed to preach the biblical Gospel. 

"Instead of preaching about mankind's depravity and the truth that citizenship in the kingdom of God comes only by the imputation of Christ's righteousness, we hear about a powerless and insipid Creator and the cheap grace He lavishes upon all," he said in an introduction statement for this year's conference, which was aptly themed "Evangelism According to Jesus." 

And the result of failing to preach the biblical Gospel is evangelism that introduces people to the wrong Jesus, Sproul noted. 

I love Sproul, and "the wrong Jesus" he refers to is doubtless the man-made, Santa Claus "Jesus" of the WOF/Prosperity Movement that wants to give you any- and everything your covetous little heart desires, from a nice big house to expensive, fancy cars in the driveway, and designer sunglasses and clothes, all in exchange for — and dependant upon — you giving all your money to the Senior Pastor's latest monument to his pride, otherwise known as the "building program."

Which is not unlike, it seems to me, the pyramids in Egypt, constructed for the sole purpose of memorializing the Pharaoh-kings who had them built on the backs of the over-burdened people. 

Gone are the sermons of yesteryear Pastor Lawson mentions which actually used to contain biblical theology and expository preaching from the Word, as we see exemplified in the Book of Acts.

I really wonder how many Local Churches will preach a message this Sunday that actually resembles anything Jesus and the Apostles would recognize as glorifying the Cross and His Resurrection? Oddly, one would probably have to go to one of the much vilified, mainline, "high churches" to hear such a sermon. Wink

-joe   

Iowa, baby!

Posted on January 3rd, 2008 by catalyst into the Seasonal category

My predictions:

Democrats

1) Barack Obama

2) John Edwards

3) Hillary Clinton

Republicans

1) Mike Huckabee

2) Mitt Romney

3) Ron Paul

Your thoughts?

Merry Frankmas

Posted on December 24th, 2006 by catalyst into the Seasonal category

I probably won't be blogging again for a couple of days. So I just want to take this time to wish you all a wonderful Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving

Posted on November 23rd, 2006 by catalyst into the Seasonal category

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.

 And in the spirit of this fun holiday, I give you:

The Farting Pastor

Yes, yes, I know. We're not exactly a classy bunch.

Thanks Henri

Faith Harvest Follow Up

Posted on October 13th, 2006 by Reformed Pope into the Pastor Hank, City Boobie Church, Seasonal category

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Faith Harvest let me explain:

Faith Harvest begins every year (at CBC anyway) in November with a month of sermons on giving. This is followed up by December in which they speak on giving. And finally reaches its peak in January which is celebrated by a month of sermons on giving. (For those of you doing the math, that's 3 solid months or 1/4 of the years sermons dedicated to giving)

This is how it works. They tell you to give them money so that God will in turn "bless" you. While they never say exactly what that "blessing" is, week after week they have someone stand up and tell a story about when they gave to Faith Harvest they received ________ (fill in the blank with one of the following: Random Check in the Mail, Inheritance, Promotion, Pay Raise, etc). This obviously implies that if you give them money (above and beyond the tithe) God will give you money back. They won't say it, but anyone willing to think logically about the situation will clearly see it's a "give to get" program.

The best is when someone gets up and tells about how they received an "Inheritance Blessing". I can't help but think, "Oh joy, praise the Lord, someone close to me just died and I got paid. Hallalujah."

Of course it's not just a one-time gift they are looking for. No. Instead they want you to write down a pledge to give, over the course of those three months. "Stretch yourself" they tell you, "God honors faith."

They even have you bring your pledge card forward (together) so they can pray over it, asking God to bless you for your gift. Never mind what the Bible says about "letting your left hand know what the right hand is doing". It works though. Look at the beautiful campus that they have (make that multiple campuses). Two Espresso makers with in 50 feet of each other, fancy lighting, and plasma screen TV's all over the lobby. I guess its just more proof that the Bible is legit:

Mathew 6:2

So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.

A Break for the Holiday

Posted on April 12th, 2006 by Reformed Pope into the Seasonal category

City Business Church will not be holding its regular Sunday Celebration Service this week due to Easter. We feel that this time will be better spent allowing families to come together. As you may know, it takes many people to run a church of this size and our volunteer's deserve a break.  Please enjoy this holiday weekend and be sure to join us on April 23rd when we resume our Sunday Celebrations.

And don't forget to mail or drop off your tithe checks to:

City Business Church

c/o Frank Damazio

9200 NE Fremont

Portland, OR 97220

Bracket Time

Posted on March 20th, 2006 by catalyst into the Seasonal category

I would just like to congratulate Mr. Snethen and Fezzik for NOT picking UNC to win it all. You both are obviously much more intelligent than I. 

Go George Mason!