I love a good song parody. Thank you FICM for this wonderful song.

 Tither Man (to the tune of Iron Man)

Has he lost his mind
Can he see or is he blind
He gives ten percent
But he cannot pay the rent

Is he alive or dead
Has he thoughts within his head
He sits like a stone
He's just another tithing drone

He was asked for gold
To become a member of the fold
To prevent the curse
He must empty out his purse

Damazio wants him
He just stares at the screen
Pledging his income
For new carpets that are green

Now the time is here
To give up all that he holds dear
Blessings from above
Thinking he can buy God's love

Jack Louman wants him
To give until it hurts
Nobody helps him
He recites a giving verse

Heavy heart of lead
His creditors fill him full of dread
Giving as much as he can
He's just another Tither Man!

Pastor Jack has written City Business Church a new worship song about the Institutional Church (I.C.) It's just a little something to take you into the Kingdom.

Money for Preachin’
(To the tune of: Money for Nothin’ by Dire Straits)
Lyrics (c) 2002 by Jack Helser

"I want my … I want my own I.C.

Now look at them preachers that's the way ya do it
Ya shame them sinners at your own I.C.
That ain't working that's the way you do it
Money for preachin' and a rectory
Now that ain’t workin that’s the way you do it
Lemme tell you them priests ain’t dumb
Maybe get the hiccups from a communion wafer
Maybe get a blister on your knee

[BRIDGE]
He got yo' sin all white-washed and covered
Anointin’ lotions, tapes and CDs
He got to move those religious notions
He got to move those rosary beads

The little padre in the black robe and a beanie
He'll fix your sin up for a modest fee
Even if you're stuck there down in purgatory
For 50 bucks the priest can set you free

[BRIDGE]

I shoulda went to a seminary
I'd coulda had that fancy cross
Look at that - what's that - he's got a silver wine glass
Yeah - he's a "man of the cloth".
And he’s up there - what’s that? Must be cryin’ noises
He's beggin' for money in his homily
Oh, that ain't working' that's the way you do it
Get your money for preachin' and a rectory

[BRIDGE]

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You shame them sinners at your own I.C.
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for preachin' and rectory
Money for preachin' and rectory
Gets you money for preachin' and a rectory
I want my, I want my, I want own I.C.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how tithing is directly related to the Abrahamic Covenant of Blessing. And while I don’t know much about the Abrahamic Covenant I do know about mocking people with song.

I have re-written the lyrics to an old childrens classic. As with all our songs they are much funnier if you actually sing them…and in this case act them out. Let’s all join in a circle and sing:

FATHER ABRAHAMIC

Father Abrahamic
Had many covenants
Many covenants had father Abrahamic
Blessings one of them
And so is blessing
So lets all give our tithe
Check book.

Father Abrahamic
Had many covenants
Many covenants had father Abrahamic
Blessing is one of them
And so is blessing
So lets all give our tithe
Check book, Pay in cash

Father Abrahamic
Had many covenants
Many covenants had father Abrahamic
Blessings one of them
And so is blessing
So lets all give our tithe
Check book, Pay in cash, Get your wallet
Father Abrahamic
Had many covenants
Many covenants had father Abrahamic
Blessings one of them
And so is blessing
So lets all give our tithe
Check book, Pay in cash, Get your wallet, Credit Card,

Father Abrahamic
Had many covenants
Many covenants had father Abrahamic
Blessings one of them
And so is blessing
So lets all give our tithe
Check book, Pay in cash, Get your wallet, Credit Card, MORTGAGE YOUR HOUSE

This is the one that started them all. Our first City Business Christmas post is also the second greatest post of the year. A special thank you goes out to Finally Home for his work on this piece.

Special Edition Holiday CD!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present you with the first of what I am sure will be a long tradition of Christmas albums designed by City Business. Each CD comes with a pledge card you can use for your extra holiday tithing. And don’t forget there is still time for that extra Christmas blessing. Immerse yourself in the true meaning of the holidays with these wonderful songs of merriment.

1. Little Tither Boy
2. O Holy Tithe
3. God Rest Ye Merry Businessmen
4. O Come All Ye Faithful Givers
5. What Tithe Is This?
6. It Was Simulcast Upon A Midnight Clear
7. Tithers We Have Heard On High
8. Joy To The West Side
9. I’ll Be Home For Faith Harvest
10. I Saw Three Checks Come Mailing In
11. Rockin Around The Tithe Bowl

For a nominal fee the sheet music to Here Comes Satan Clause can be yours. Now, there is no need to drive a stake in your yard or anoint your doorways with oil from the Holy Land. If you want protection from Satan Claus simply purchase our CD for $20 and play it where ever you go. In case you are not familiar with this holiday classic, we have provided the lyrics for the first verse absolutely free.

Here Comes Satan Clause.
Here Comes Satan Clause.
Right Down Satan Clause Lane.
If You’re Not Quick And Tithe Your Money
It’ll All Go Down The Drain.
It’s Your Fault. You Put A Cap On God.
Your Blessing’s Out Of Sight.
So Get Your Checks In. Don’t Question Us.
This Time, We Know We’re Right.

So don’t delay. You can purchase your holiday CD in the City Business Gift Shop. They are located between the Louis Vuitton Bible Covers and the Limited Edition City Business Starbucks Coffee Mugs.

For those of you who were concerned about having to spend this Christmas @ church, I have good news: CBC has decided to cancel church (read: close business) for the weekend of December 24th and 25th. Apparently they decided that business would be slow that weekend and so it would be best not to bother.

Ok, so maybe they aren’t into celebrating birthdays, right? Except, it wasn’t that long ago that I remember being stuck in a rather long service celebrating the birth of Frank. This thought led me to believe that while Jesus is the reason for the season…He isn’t the reason for CBC.

And now we sing…

The first Christmas song of the year:

WE WISH YOU A MERRY FRANKMAS
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

a Lasit we bringto you and Louman
a Lasit for Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
we wish you a merry Frankmas
and a Damappy new year

This Tuesday is Flag Day and Independence Day is right around the corner.

In honor of these great American holidays (or in order to mock a great Christian tradition) I have re-written the words to our national anthem. I will admit that it isn’t very original, but you will admit that it is funny.

Sometimes (read: always) we go for the cheap laugh in place of the intellectual comment. This post is no different and so I give you…

“The Star Spangled Tithe”

Oh, say, can you see, by our dome’s early light,
What so proudly we gave at “Super Sunday’s” last meeting?
Whose broad gift’s and bright tithes, shouts of “Let’s go all night”,
O'er the new carpet we watched, were so plasma screening?
And the dollars green glare, “Faith Harvest” bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that Malachi 3:8 was still there.
O say, does that “Forward Together” banner yet wave
O'er the Butte of Rocky and the money we gave?

*a special thanks goes out to Finally Home for his inspirational work on this piece.

(Warning: This post is rated PG-13)

So it sounds like CBC is trying to make the school less Bible College and more Internship (i.e. Timothy program). This may be a little bit obvious, but how long before we can start calling it Portland Business College?

I guess they want to raise up an army of ass-kissers. Don’t you want to be a part of “Generation Kiss Ass”?

And if PBC is going to become the Timothy Program. At least, I hope they include a class about safe sex, or at least hand out condoms at orientation. Last I checked, the Timothy program was less about serving the Lord and more about servicing your co-intern… but whatever…

Anyway, here is the new theme song for the School of Internship at City Bible. Led by General Hank and his army of ass-kissers.

I am an A.

I am an A…

I am an A-S

I am an A-S-S-K-I-S-S-E-R

And I will T-I-T-H-E to my home church C-B-C

Or God will C-U-R-S-E me for all Eternity

For all of you who are bilingual out there, here is a little espanol for you to enjoy.

It's beginning to look a lot like faith harvest Ev'rywhere you go;

Take a look at the east side, glistening once again With plasma screens and espresso machines aglow.

It's beginning to look a lot like faith harvest, Tithes in ev'ry bowl,

But the prettiest sight to see, is the offering that will be On the domes front door.

 A bunch of silver and gold, at the churches bank Is the wish of Dougie and Frank;

members that will not talk and will not think for themselves Is the hope of Dougie and Frank;

 And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for this blog to finally end.

 It's beginning to look a lot like faith harvest Ev'rywhere you go;

There's a tithe in every service, one in the west side as well, The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the overflow.

It's beginning to look a lot like faith harvest;

Soon the tithe will start, And the thing that will make Frank ring is the tithing that you bring Right within your wallet.

Catalyst got run over by a Lasit Walking home from blogging Christmas eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Dougie, But as for Joel and Jesse, we believe. He’d been drinkin’ way too much egg nog, And we’d begged him not to go. But he’d left his medication, So he stumbled out the door into the snow. When they found him Christmas mornin’, At the scene of the attack. There were hoof prints on his forehead, And incriminatin’ dollar marks on his back. Catalyst got run over by a Lasit, Walkin’ home from blogging Christmas eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Dougie, But as for Joel and Jesse, we believe.