TWAS THE SUNDAY BEFORE GUILTMAS
Twas the Sunday before guiltmas, and all through the domes
Not an intern was stirring, nor people calling the phones…
The tithe envelopes were hung in the pews with great care,
In hopes that St. Malachi soon would be there;
And tithers were nestled; all smug in their pride,
While visions of Beemers danced in their minds;
And Doug in her ‘kerchief, and Frank in his cap,
Had just put together a faith harvest trap,
When out on the butte there arose such a clatter,
Frank sprang from the desk to see what was the matter
Away to the coffers Frank flew in a flash
Tore open the vault and counted his cash
The moon on the boob and the new-fallen snow
gave fear of no tithers for Pastor Damazio
when, what to his wandering eyes should appear,
with a passion that rivaled his hatred for queers
A little check-writer, so wealthy & wise,
He knew in a moment it must be Malachi.
More rapid than eagles, his curses they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Frankie! Now Dougi!
Now, Marcie and Tim!
On, Wendall! On, Judah!
On, Donna and Asim!
To the top of the dome!
To the top of the butte wall!
Give cash away! Cash away!
Give cash away all!”
But not to the homeless, the poor, those in need,
instead to the pastors all caught up in greed
so up to the butte-top the curses they flew,
with a dome full of guilt trips, and St. Malachi too.
And then, in a twinkling, Frank heard on the roof
the sound of St. Jesus with a tiny young Poof.
As Christ, full off love, drew the boy to His side,
he hugged the young Gay ,made the poor child cry
He was dressed all in rags, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Jesus said to the boy “I love you like a father”
which angered ole Frankie, he became very bothered
How dare Jesus come and interrupt all this giving
The snow He has sent has ruined Frank's living.
And how can he love this young sinner boy,
And treat him as equal and bring him such joy
When Frank is the one with a Simulcast Service
Christ’s example of Grace is making him nervous
Frank needs to have Starbucks, he needs a quick fix
he's afraid next he’ll hear Jesus loves Dixie Chicks.
How can St. Malachi’s Curse be all over,
When Frank needs the Tithe to pay for a Land Rover
Young boys and young girls there’s truth in this story
Poor Frank was a mess when faced with Christ’s Glory
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Savior,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my behavior.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He took the ole’ Law and all Ten Percent,
and covered them with Grace, so magnificent.
And laying His life on the side of the cross,
he freed us from curses and took all our loss
Then He sprang to the heavens, to His angels gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he rose out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
