This next blog needs no introduction, will everyone please rise and welcome the THIRD GREATEST POST OF THE YEAR:

Who Burns First

What amazing timing. Right when I’m posting CBC’s top ten list from "Who Burns First" they release an updated version for 2006. Good news for Samuel John Klein it looks like Catholics have dropped from the list and have been replaced by the dreaded Non-Tither (CBC’s most feared).Here is the new list for 2006:

1. Irreverent Bloggers
2. Gay’s (w/aids)
3. Non-Tithers
4. The Poor
5. Aaron Tuck
6. People who drink alcohol in public places*
7. Pregnant Teens and their promiscuous partner.
8. Feminists
9. Those who voted NO on Measure 36
10. Democrats

*There is a slight loophole for drinkers. If you only drink on vacation, preferably while you are out of state, you will be exempt from burning. This rule does not apply to other area’s (i.e. – If you get pregnant out of state, you will still burn)

Since we can’t make it to every CBC service, we occationally have to imagine what it was like to actually be there. This is what catalyst has done.

#4 is hillarious.

Sunday, June 05, 2005
Overheard

Today is the day that City Bible spoke about women being elders. Here is how I imagine the sermon went.

Good Morning, everyone. As many of you know, today we are going to discuss the ordination of women at City Bible Church. I am well aware that the Bible says some specific things about women, and that’s why the leadership and I have prepared a special presentation to help you grasp this complex Biblical issue.

First, we are now selling new Bibles in the bookstore for $49.95. These new Bibles are interepreted by Kevin Connor and edited by Lanny Hubbard. We call them the KCV version of the Bible. And yes, the teachings of Christ are in red. As is Malichi 3:8. My step-father informed me that Christ meant to speak Malachi 3:8, he just forgot.

For those of you who can’t afford this new KCV version, I am going to ask you to take out a ball point pen. Something permanent and indelible. Okay, everyone cross out 1 Corinthians 14:34-35…. well, better yet, just cross out that entire chapter. We’re not gonna be needing it anymore. Thanks… Okay.. well that settles that. Great. Now we’re all on board.

Oh and before I forget, we have bussed in some gays for us to pray for. What’s that? Oh, no, no, no, they’re not practicing homosexuality, they’re gays who don’t want to be gay. The only sin we tolerate at this church is pride.

What’s that? Another question? Ummm, well yes the Bible does say some things about women. But we’ve crossed those verses out. What’s that? "God doesn’t change." No, you’re absolutely right, God doesn’t change, just the Bible.

Okay. Great… well everyone open your Bibles to Malichi 3:8…..

As usual, the funniest posts mention my family.

Dear LT,
Here @ City Business Church it only takes one comment to make you a member of the family and so I am wondering if you wouldn’t mind helping me clear up a few things.

On Sunday I had a conversation with my mother about Christian prayer lingo. For those of you who don’t know my mom, I would describer her as a Moaner-Groaner with a touch of Quaker-Shaker. To say the least she knows how to make a scene in church. Her latest craze is 24 hour prayer and worship which she experienced on a recent trip to Kansas City. On her return she ran right out bought a new stereo system and filled it with cd’s from whatever church in Kansas City she was at. Her plan is to have praise and worship music piping through the house 24 hours a day; I’m not sure how that’s going to go over with the fam, but she’s gonna try it.

Anyway, my brother Jesse and his should-be fiancé Andrea were listening to the cd’s and they noticed that the person praying was asking for God to “turn hearts like channels of water”. This sparked our conversation in which we had to ask, what does it mean to “turn hearts like channels of water”?

Discussing this quickly led to “gap standing”, “bridge building”, and “hedges of protection”. And, let’s not forget about the “river”. You can wade, jump, step into, and drink from “the river” which appears to have something to do with “ocean’s of love”, but we’re not sure how they’re connected.

It seems to me that all to often people just go with the flow (apparently down the river), and rarely stop to ask the all important question: “WHAT???”.I’m going to give that a try:

1.What is the “gap” and why are we standing in it?
2.How many “rivers” does it take to make “oceans of love”?
3.Is the “bridge” for crossing the “gap” or the “river”?
4.Are we really supposed to “drink” from the same “river” that we just jumped in?

After about 30 minutes of discussion with my mother here’s what I understand. The gap is the space between sin and righteousness (man and God). The bridge crosses that very gap; and no one knows where the river flows, but if you see it, be sure to jump in. I actually think it helps explain the Trinity. Jesus is the ultimate “gap stander” (her words, not mine), the Holy Spirit is in the “river”, and that leaves God to tend to the “hedges”. Which leads me to my next question:

How much protection does a hedge really offer?

Can you picture Satan gathering an army of demons, preparing for an attack on an unsuspecting Christian, when suddenly he hears:

Demon: “Um Lucifer, I think we’ve got a problem”.
Satan: “Yes Rage, what’s the matter”
Demon: “We couldn’t get him”
Satan: “What do you mean ‘you couldn’t get him’?”
Demon: “Well, Lust, Envy and I were right on his tale when suddenly… he ran across the bridge, jumped into this river, swam right past your gap, and then dove behind that hedge for protection.

Clearly anytime you can capture Dougie shouting "I love poo" you’ll make the top ten. This is one of my favorites. Here we go with #6:

Friday, December 10, 2004
Running Diary of Gen Church Sermon

This is my running diary of last weeks Gen Church Sermon. The sermon is entitled,"Generation Church Culture Part 4". I missed the first three parts, but I’ve got a feeling I’ll still be able to pick it up in the middle. Pressing play and here we go:

8:20 – Pastor just asked audience how many people love the bible. You hear a faint "Woohoo" in the background. (I’m gonna see about getting him an audition for Saved Part 2).

8:22 – Mentions Willamette Week article. I’m getting excited. Will he read the Abercrombie section?

8:24 – Excitedly reads this quote from the WW article. "Portland’s Christian soldiers may seem queer, but they’re here. Get used to it." Did I hear that correctly? I think he just called himself a queer? And how did I miss that quote. I apologize to all my blogging fans for missing that one. (5 minutes into this sermon, and I know its gonna be great).

8: 25 – "This paper is so big its like an octopus, eight arms." – This must be some tithing humor.

8:30 – Of course he skips over the Abercrombie quote. I should’ve known.

8:35 – He just yelled out "Greater is he who is in" and then the audience yelled back "Me". Did it again. And, yes he did it again. Can’t believe it, he did it again. Now he’s doing it and screaming "Oh" after they say "Me". Just yelled, "Someone needs to get into the Bible."(Forget sequal to Saved, this guy could be the whole movie himself. He’s also really supporting my hype theory.)

8:37 – Erik and Natalie are getting married. Natalie has huge wedding book she carries everywhere. Editors note – Erik needs to rethink the marriage.

8:40 – Just used a "talk to the hand" joke. Apparently pastor didn’t get the "Its not 1995" memo.

8:42 – His jokes are bombing so bad, he’s asking the audience if they’re doing okay. One girl in the front row is giving him the only courtesy laugh, and she sounds like she’s getting hoarse. Someone better pick up the slack.

8:50 – Starts talking about Pilgrims and their look. Mentions high school Pilgrims. Pulls random kid out of audience and says kid is high school pilgrim. Mentions that the Willamette Week article calls the youth group an Ambercrombie youth group. Says this is what makes the youth group so different. (Pastor must subscribe to the, "Any publicity is good publicity" motto, at least he mentioned the Abercrombie section, and Abercrombie & Fitch makes you different? Different from what? Gap, Banana Republic, Nordstrom?)

8:51 – "Pilgrims can even look different. Pilgrims can even be from a different country." Sounding incredulous, "Pilgrims can even be women." (Wow, he just offended everyone who isn’t an American male. This is really quite impressive. And he has an odd obsession with Pilgrims.)

8:53 – Acknowledges that the rapture might not come for another 5,000 years. (First statement, I’ve actually agreed with. Good for him.)

8:55 – Acknowledges that he shouldn’t have taken his wife to youth camp for their honeymoon. (Second thing I agreed with.)

8:58 – Tells story about his young daughter on vacation at Disneyland and how much she loves Winny the Pooh. The whole time at Disneyland she’s carrying around a pen and paper looking for Pooh’s autograph. Time comes to leave, she still hasn’t found Pooh, and so she starts screaming, "Pooh, I love you." (This is actually a really cute story. But if you happend to walk in and missed him talking about his daughter, you would just hear the pastor screaming at the top of his lungs, "Poo, I love you. I love Poo.") I’m telling you, this stuff writes itself.

9:00 – Finishes up with a bunch of nice stories about martyrs. (I really liked his Pooh story, and after that, I kind of feel bad for making fun of him. I don’t think he’s the greatest speaker, but he sounds like a good father. I’m starting to become sentimental. I probably shouldn’t have drank that fourth glass of wine.)

One year ago when we started this blog we felt like we needed an inside source for all our gossip. This role fell on our sister Angela and she became know as the Monday Morning Mole. Unfortunately, our Mole wasn’t very good about details. Most conversations went like this: “How was Church?” – “Fine” – “What did they talk about?” – “I don’t know.” – “If we paid you would you start taking better notes?” – “Leave me alone.”

As you can see this became very difficult for us and so we were often forced to make things up (it’s funnier that way anyhow). That is how this next post was formed. From Monday, December 20th, I give you #7.

Monday Mole Update

Our mole went to Church on Sunday, and she told me they actually preached about Jesus.

Several members of the congregation were shocked to hear a sermon about Jesus. Leading to this exchange between two members of the church:

Member #1: (whispering to friend) Whose this Jesus they’re talking about?

Member #2: Uh, I think he has something to do with Christianity or something like that. I don’t really know though, since this is the first I’ve heard of him here.

Member #1: Well, what am I supposed to do with all my money this week? No one has told me to give it to them.

Member #2: (shrugging) I don’t know, I suppose you could spend it on yourself.

Member #1: AND GO TO HELL! No way.(preaching continues)

Member #1: (leaning back over to her friend) You know, when I’m eating at a restaurant and I get a free meal, I usually just give the waiter a really good tip. You know to compensate for the free meal.

Member #2: Yeah, so…

Member #1: Well, since I guess the sermon is free today. I think I might just tip the usher.

Member #2: Good idea.

[Editors Note: I owe this idea to The Holy Trinity (of blogging).]

PRAYER TUNNELS: (From Feb 11th 2005)

What, exactly, is a prayer tunnel? I get prayer and I get tunnel, but “prayer tunnel” just doesn’t quite work. Does the tunnel pray? Are they praying for the tunnel? Why aren’t there prayer bridges?

Let’s set the scene for those who have never experienced a “prayer tunnel”. Two rows of “Prayer Warriors” line up facing each other. Then both sides raise their hands in an arched manor in order to create a “tunnel”. And finally, people in need of prayer move through this “tunnel”. You might have seen something like this at a high school basketball game (without the prayer, of course).

I spent some time looking in the Bible and I can’t find any examples of prayer tunnels. (Although I think that when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and he walked out of the tomb, the disciples formed a “tunnel” for him to run out of, but this was mostly just a bunch of high fives and chest bumping.) So it appears this is just another gimmick used by the church to…. Actually……I really don’t know. What is the point???

Maybe it is supposed to be like going to the drive through at Wendy’s. Sure you could dine in, but sometimes you just want to eat on the road. “Welcome to City Business Church, would you like dine in or carry out prayer today? Please pull forward through the next tunnel.”

What kind of prayer goes on in these tunnels anyway?

“JC he’s our man, if he can’t do it no one can”

“Here we go Jesus, here we go (clap, clap) Here we go Jesus, here we go (clap, clap)”

“J-E-SUS, Jesus, Jesus, He’s the best”

Disclaimer:I believe in the power of both prayer and tunnels. I just don’t like the combination of them. Honestly now, all you who have been involved in a prayer tunnel recently, what is the point? Were you really effected or effective?

It might be fun though, the next time your pastor gets up to preach, if you all ran forward and created a prayer tunnel for him to run through before his sermon. Let him finish off by jumping through a WWJD banner. A quick chest bump with the worship leader and he is ready to go. “OK team, before I begin to preach today, I would like everyone to get in a huddle. All right, on 3…1,2,3, GO JESUS!”

This actually is a great idea, “Prayer Huddles”. Now….

“Break”

This post came out because six months into the blog, we were hearing from friends and family that the City Bible Eldership was still reading our blog, and they hated it. Nothing pleases a Morton boy more, than hearing someone in a leadership role is angry. Its fuel to our soul.

Worst.Blog.Ever.

Word on the street is City Bible is still running around telling everyone this blog is horrible.

Which, of course, pleases me to no end. It means they’re still reading it.

So CBC let me share something:

What’s really horrible is how many people have left your church, because there is no way to change the church from within.This blog is really just a byproduct of your preaching.

But whatever…

In keeping with the "Worst.Blog.Ever." theme, let me share a hypothetical knock knock joke between me and Pastor Frank.

Catalyst: Knock Knock

Pastor Frank: Who’s there?

Catalyst: Interrupting Cow

Pastor Frank: Interrupt-

Catalyst: MOOOOOOOOO!

Pastor Frank: Catalyst, you’re an idio-

Catalyst: MOOOOOOOOOO!

Pastor Frank: I’m leavi-

Catalyst: MOOOOOOOO!

(I find this joke works best with those individuals aged 5-11, the immature demographic).

(And yes, I’m bored.)

As was promised, here is Number 10 of our Top 10 posts. I believe this post came about when JP randomly emailed me a prophecy, and I had no choice but to put it up on the blog.

From March 7, 2005.

My brother JP moves in the prophetic.

Here is his prophecy regarding the future of City Business.

The Frank would say to you-a,

"Give me your money and watch me pour out blessings upon my church."

"I’ll cover this "city" church with plasma screen TV’s; I’ll replace the carpet and update the lighting" say’s the Frank

"Rise up oh check book of faith, write down a figure far beyond your means, and I shall stretch out my hand and receive this check. I shall take this check and deposit it in the bank of profits, now is the time, this is the season"

Thus sayeth the Frank.